The Move from Sofas to Stovetops

”Kitchen. Noun – A gathering place for friends and family. A place where memories are homemade and seasoned with love.”

At the moment I am renovating my kitchen so this once humble room of the house  has been on my mind for awhile as I ponder on various kitchen designs and appliance choices. Ever since I owned my first home in South Africa a quarter century ago, and then relocated to subsequent new homes in New Zealand and Australia , I have had the pleasurable task of designing new kitchens many times. Although I have used both kitchen companies as well as DIY flat pack kitchen solutions, I actively participate in the design and construction of the kitchen because of my interest in design and my creative side. It is both interesting and amazing to see how this engine room of every house has evolved through the ages. Guests from the bygone days who were once comfortably ensconced in the lounge on the sofas have steadily made their way around the island bench of the stovetops. 

It’s been a mighty long journey from the early days when the kitchen was relegated to the back of the house and was regarded as purely utilitarian for preparing food and just barely large enough to fit the woman of the house and the big, sooty stove. With the movement of nuclear middle-class families into suburban homes, the kitchen edged closer to the living areas for more convenience and flexibility. 

Remember the popular Brady Bunch television kitchen of the seventies that we all thought were so high end: the bright, orange laminate counter tops with avocado green and brown cabinetry? If my memory serves me correct, all our childhood homes in the seventies in Chatsworth, South Africa, looked as if we were a part of one big franchise operation with the mottled, uniform , store-bought, panlyte kitchen sets in almost every home I visited. Remember the one with the kitchen dresser, the sink cupboard and the table and four chairs? I swear that not one of those clocks that was propped in the centre front facade of those dressers worked. We had the pinkish- reddish colour one while one of my neighbours had the greenish one and yet another had a sort of turquoise one (which to me was the coolest then). No wonder we thought that the Brady Bunch kitchen was to die for!

In the eighties, in keeping with the design principles of that decade, everything got bigger like the kitchen layouts and the appliances. Breakfast nooks were added and the kitchens started encroaching into the living areas. With most mothers working by this time, the open feel of the kitchen connected us to mum while she prepared the food as we watched TV. The busy, wall-papered floral flashbacks and walls of the seventies gave way to ceramic tiles and the lighter coloured cabinetry in warm beiges, oatmeal and off-whites became more favoured with timber trims. 

As the nineties approached, the kitchen was officially crowned the throne of the home as fancy, restaurant type cooktops and sleek, granite counters became the order of the day for gourmet cooking. Stainless steel appliances became the rage and in an effort to soften the cold, clinical look, cabinetry took on the earthy tones of oak, beech and  maple. With the open plan living area, the kitchen enjoyed equal importance as the hitherto TV lounge and dining room. Culturally, this was a significant change as this democratisation of the home no more confined the woman slaving or slogging over a hot stove. Cooking saw a metamorphosis from a tedious chore to a fine art as  more men discovered that their manhood was not compromised when they donned an apron. 

In the 2000’s the kitchen was part of the whole living area and therefore blended seamlessly with the lounge and dining room decor. Modern lighting pendants, fancy range hoods and multiple, industrial ovens built in towers made the kitchen the selling point of the home. A new house on the market was practically sold if the dominant buying partner of the house-hunting couple(the woman, duh!) fell in love with the kitchen storage solutions like the triple undercover bins, the pull-out pantry drawers, the humongous pot drawers with easy, soft close sliding functions, special, separate compartments for the pot lids and spacious cutlery drawers with concealed inner recesses that made the most economical use of space. Tuscan influenced colour schemes with warm tones in tan, browns, maroons and reds became trendy. 

After 2010, the natural timber look and granite were definitely out and the modern, bright, light and white kitchens with Caesar stone bench tops and timber flooring were splashed out in Instagram posts. Now, everything is clean, green(in an environmentally friendly sense) and pristine and a minimalistic, uncluttered look is achieved with all the small appliances like the toaster, kettle and food processor and even some big ones like the dishwasher and fridge concealed behind doors which are part of the cabinetry. With cooking shows like Master Chef and My Kitchen Rules and celebrity cooks like Nigella Lawson, Gordon Ramsey and Jamie Oliver becoming so popular, the kitchen has usurped the lounge as the entertaining room. The island stone bench top now is a mandatory inclusion in every modern kitchen cleverly dividing the two areas with the home owner on one side prepping and cooking and the guests   perched on stools on the other side sipping beverages and appraising the newly learnt culinary skills performed by the host. What do you know, cooking is now a spectator sport. 

The kitchen is probably the most important room in our house and it is where most of my family’s memories were made. While I prepped and cooked, I supervised the homework as the kids sat around the kitchen counter. Most of the messy school projects and art activities were  done on the hardy, granite tops. It was in this room while having breakfast, getting ready for school or finishing the day with dinner that stories were shared and confided. Even now, when I have guests, we seem to gather around the kitchen island bench instead of sitting in the lounge, laughing and talking while the food is being prepared. 

From the early days to now, while the kitchen architecture, decor and appliances have seen big changes, one thing remains the same: the kitchen is indisputably the heart of every good home. Life happens in the kitchen with the secret ingredients of love and laughter. It is in this sacred space of our home that we appreciate our culture, pass on traditions and cement our love as a family. 

Getting back to my kitchen design, I have decided that, yes, in keeping with the times, I am leaning towards an Arctic white kitchen  with soft-close drawers and cabinet doors without any handles that open with a touch, a waterfall stone, island benchtop in a neutral tone of mottled oatmeal, with similar toned retro tiles as a splash back.  I spend a lot of time in the kitchen cooking for each one’s individual taste (because I have the time) so I am treating myself to all the enticing storage solutions that makes all the crockery, cutlery, utensils and napery convenient to put away and take out. The only thing I am not looking forward to is the price tag that comes with this modern kitchen! But, if anyone objects, I am going to argue that it is going to be an excellent selling point for the house should we decide to move (which I doubt!). 

Do you have a favourite Child?

“It is my belief that 95% of the parents in the world have a favourite child, and the other 5% are lying” Jeffrey Kluger

Do you have a favourite child? Your natural response would be “Of course, not” because as a parent, it is taboo to confess that you have a favourite amongst your offsprings. Unless, of course, you have only one child which makes it okay in that case to say you have a favourite. Many research surveys  do in fact confirm your deep, dark secret:  parents confessed to having a favourite child. 

It is usually perceived that mums have a preference for their first-born sons while dads share a closer affinity with their daughters. Most often it is  the first-born and last born that are the favourite children. The middle child is once again ignored maybe because they don’t get to have the “lone” time with the parents that the other two enjoy. Sometimes, children who have more needs in the form of some disability or sickness get more of their parents’ attention in which case they are perceived as the favourite. Most often parents tend to gravitate towards children who share their personality traits that they are proud of and tend to lock horns with children that display a characteristic that they resent in themselves. 

Having a favourite child does not mean that you love one child more but  I think it has more to do with the child’s attitude at that particular time. You have endured a hard day at work and you come home already stressed out and one of your children decides to push your buttons even further. It is only human for you to lash out at that child and favour the one who has just announced that they have been chosen to represent their school in a speech competition.

Children are so different from each other in terms of their personalities so it comes as no surprise that parents love each one differently. I have three children and each one of them is so unique in their own way. They are like chalk, cheese and olive. When they were little, two of my children used to accuse me of having their sibling as my favourite. They pointed out that I always tended to be much kinder and more loving towards the other one than them. This so-called favourite child of mine was the most obedient, would do as he/she was told and hardly gave me any stress. I remember that this child would go as far as completing the other two’s chores to “spare mum the stress”. I validated their accusation by telling them: “At this point in time, you are right. X and I are getting along very well and I like being with him/her. I am sorry you feel hurt and angry right now but I am your mother and I love you both very much and I always will. In the near future, if your behaviour makes me happy, you can be sure that I will favour you then.”

As a parent and a teacher, I am a strong proponent of positive reinforcement. Instead of punishing undesirable behaviour, I tend to ignore it and reward responsible choices. So, whenever the “unfavoured” child made good by displaying some positive behaviour, I made sure to recognise and acknowledge this.  I think resentment sets in in children and sometimes this is carried right into adulthood when parents openly show to one child that they are less worthy than their siblings. I am no psychologist but I think it is okay to have favourites and to change them by the day, week, month or year as long as each of your children know that you love them unconditionally. I think the damage occurs when a child is consistently made to feel that they cannot match up to the favoured one. Also, the danger comes when the favouritism is steady and persistent and becomes a lasting part of the family dynamic.

Not all of your kids can display high standards of behaviour all the time. However, it would be errant of a parent if they withdraw their love from the naughty child. Rather, we ought to find moments when they are good and show our appreciation. It is also a good idea to make a special time where you are one-on-one with your kids so that each one enjoys an individualised bonding time with you so that they may feel favoured and special. 

Let’s face it, sometimes when one or two of your  children play up, there’s at least one child that make you feel that you have succeeded as a parent. So it stands to reason they are perceived as the favourite because you tend to be that much softer towards them. However, there is a distinct difference between love and favouritism. We love all our children but we favour a child at that point in time because that child makes us feel most successful as a parent. It should also be a reminder to our children that while our love as a parent is unconditional and infinite, a parent’s love and approval should be earned and maybe competed for. As I said, I am no psychologist but that’s my view. 

A year ago, both my boys complained that my husband and I favour our daughter too much. “We were vacuuming and doing the dishes when we were 5 or 6 but Kim is 18 and she gets treated like a princess!”. They are quite correct! Kim gets waited on hand and foot with her packed lunch made, clothes washed, hung and ironed and she’s exempt from household chores if she has uni or work commitments. At this point in time she is unabashedly our favourite because as parents we need to meet the developmental needs of our children. When the boys were little, dad did duty with taking one to his soccer training and games while mum took the other boy to his rugby training and matches. Even though both the boys played cricket, we still had to share duties because of their different divisions and venues. Poor Kim was the sacrificial lamb as there was no time to take her for sport on a Saturday. Also, while the boys enjoyed a lot of quality time with us when we were teachers, Kim who was born much later, only know us as business people and therefore had less time with us as we were focussing on building the business. So now, we are making the time to favour her. And that’s what parenting is all about: favouring a child at each stage of their developmental level like the dependent newborns, cute and cuddly toddlers, compliant school going children and stress-free adolescents. It goes without saying that the rebellious teenagers will have to work that much harder to receive our favour. 

Usually we are much stricter with our firstborns while the last borns get away with murder. While the first born had to be a certain age before they were permitted to do a certain thing, the younger ones tend to access their privileges much earlier. The eldest had to wait till 14 before they got their mobile phone while the youngest got theirs when they turned 10. This is what it is and I think it is okay because we tend to mellow with age. However, resentment amongst siblings can be built up when there is one set of rules for one child and a different one for the other at the same time. For example, one child is allowed to have a play date even though he hadn’t completed his chores while the other is not allowed. It is important to uphold a set of rules that is consistent for all children. In this way, the children can’t complain that there is favouritism. 

So, relax and acknowledge the fact that yes, as parents, we tend to favour one child over the other. This year, it might the eldest child, the next  year it could be the middle one and yet another year we may feel most connected to the youngest one. Our relationships with our children are not fixed: they change and grow with life’s ups and downs. At the end of the day, they are relationships and as long as we as parents are allowed to like them differently at different times, we should love them equally and nurture them to be the best versions of themselves all the time. Having a favourite from time to time is not a problem, what matters is the sum total of how we treat our children over a long period of time. 

In my overall view of the child rearing days, I reckon I did pretty well because right now each of my kids think that they are my favourite child. And each one of them is correct.

#favouritism #favouritechild #siblingrivalry #parenting