Do you have a favourite Child?

“It is my belief that 95% of the parents in the world have a favourite child, and the other 5% are lying” Jeffrey Kluger

Do you have a favourite child? Your natural response would be “Of course, not” because as a parent, it is taboo to confess that you have a favourite amongst your offsprings. Unless, of course, you have only one child which makes it okay in that case to say you have a favourite. Many research surveys  do in fact confirm your deep, dark secret:  parents confessed to having a favourite child. 

It is usually perceived that mums have a preference for their first-born sons while dads share a closer affinity with their daughters. Most often it is  the first-born and last born that are the favourite children. The middle child is once again ignored maybe because they don’t get to have the “lone” time with the parents that the other two enjoy. Sometimes, children who have more needs in the form of some disability or sickness get more of their parents’ attention in which case they are perceived as the favourite. Most often parents tend to gravitate towards children who share their personality traits that they are proud of and tend to lock horns with children that display a characteristic that they resent in themselves. 

Having a favourite child does not mean that you love one child more but  I think it has more to do with the child’s attitude at that particular time. You have endured a hard day at work and you come home already stressed out and one of your children decides to push your buttons even further. It is only human for you to lash out at that child and favour the one who has just announced that they have been chosen to represent their school in a speech competition.

Children are so different from each other in terms of their personalities so it comes as no surprise that parents love each one differently. I have three children and each one of them is so unique in their own way. They are like chalk, cheese and olive. When they were little, two of my children used to accuse me of having their sibling as my favourite. They pointed out that I always tended to be much kinder and more loving towards the other one than them. This so-called favourite child of mine was the most obedient, would do as he/she was told and hardly gave me any stress. I remember that this child would go as far as completing the other two’s chores to “spare mum the stress”. I validated their accusation by telling them: “At this point in time, you are right. X and I are getting along very well and I like being with him/her. I am sorry you feel hurt and angry right now but I am your mother and I love you both very much and I always will. In the near future, if your behaviour makes me happy, you can be sure that I will favour you then.”

As a parent and a teacher, I am a strong proponent of positive reinforcement. Instead of punishing undesirable behaviour, I tend to ignore it and reward responsible choices. So, whenever the “unfavoured” child made good by displaying some positive behaviour, I made sure to recognise and acknowledge this.  I think resentment sets in in children and sometimes this is carried right into adulthood when parents openly show to one child that they are less worthy than their siblings. I am no psychologist but I think it is okay to have favourites and to change them by the day, week, month or year as long as each of your children know that you love them unconditionally. I think the damage occurs when a child is consistently made to feel that they cannot match up to the favoured one. Also, the danger comes when the favouritism is steady and persistent and becomes a lasting part of the family dynamic.

Not all of your kids can display high standards of behaviour all the time. However, it would be errant of a parent if they withdraw their love from the naughty child. Rather, we ought to find moments when they are good and show our appreciation. It is also a good idea to make a special time where you are one-on-one with your kids so that each one enjoys an individualised bonding time with you so that they may feel favoured and special. 

Let’s face it, sometimes when one or two of your  children play up, there’s at least one child that make you feel that you have succeeded as a parent. So it stands to reason they are perceived as the favourite because you tend to be that much softer towards them. However, there is a distinct difference between love and favouritism. We love all our children but we favour a child at that point in time because that child makes us feel most successful as a parent. It should also be a reminder to our children that while our love as a parent is unconditional and infinite, a parent’s love and approval should be earned and maybe competed for. As I said, I am no psychologist but that’s my view. 

A year ago, both my boys complained that my husband and I favour our daughter too much. “We were vacuuming and doing the dishes when we were 5 or 6 but Kim is 18 and she gets treated like a princess!”. They are quite correct! Kim gets waited on hand and foot with her packed lunch made, clothes washed, hung and ironed and she’s exempt from household chores if she has uni or work commitments. At this point in time she is unabashedly our favourite because as parents we need to meet the developmental needs of our children. When the boys were little, dad did duty with taking one to his soccer training and games while mum took the other boy to his rugby training and matches. Even though both the boys played cricket, we still had to share duties because of their different divisions and venues. Poor Kim was the sacrificial lamb as there was no time to take her for sport on a Saturday. Also, while the boys enjoyed a lot of quality time with us when we were teachers, Kim who was born much later, only know us as business people and therefore had less time with us as we were focussing on building the business. So now, we are making the time to favour her. And that’s what parenting is all about: favouring a child at each stage of their developmental level like the dependent newborns, cute and cuddly toddlers, compliant school going children and stress-free adolescents. It goes without saying that the rebellious teenagers will have to work that much harder to receive our favour. 

Usually we are much stricter with our firstborns while the last borns get away with murder. While the first born had to be a certain age before they were permitted to do a certain thing, the younger ones tend to access their privileges much earlier. The eldest had to wait till 14 before they got their mobile phone while the youngest got theirs when they turned 10. This is what it is and I think it is okay because we tend to mellow with age. However, resentment amongst siblings can be built up when there is one set of rules for one child and a different one for the other at the same time. For example, one child is allowed to have a play date even though he hadn’t completed his chores while the other is not allowed. It is important to uphold a set of rules that is consistent for all children. In this way, the children can’t complain that there is favouritism. 

So, relax and acknowledge the fact that yes, as parents, we tend to favour one child over the other. This year, it might the eldest child, the next  year it could be the middle one and yet another year we may feel most connected to the youngest one. Our relationships with our children are not fixed: they change and grow with life’s ups and downs. At the end of the day, they are relationships and as long as we as parents are allowed to like them differently at different times, we should love them equally and nurture them to be the best versions of themselves all the time. Having a favourite from time to time is not a problem, what matters is the sum total of how we treat our children over a long period of time. 

In my overall view of the child rearing days, I reckon I did pretty well because right now each of my kids think that they are my favourite child. And each one of them is correct.

#favouritism #favouritechild #siblingrivalry #parenting