Class of 2020 hijacked by a Virus

“There is no education like adversity”  - Disraeli

Last week marked the moment that our 2020 final year students completed the last chapter of their school life. What a $!&!#!*!  year it was! The cherry on top of all school years has certainly got to be your final year when all the traditional celebrations and rites of passages occur: year 12 graduation, school farewell, annual awards ceremony, school leadership roles, school formal, your last school production or school athletics carnival, driving your friends around with a bona fide driver’s licence, 18th birthday party(for many) and schoolies(a beach celebration for school leavers in Australia). However for the Class of 2020, Covid has robbed them of what is touted as being the best and most memorable year of their teenage lives. True, some generations had it tougher during the war years, depression and recession but it still sucks. 

The year started like any other with year 12 students entering the hallowed halls of their schools bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with aspirations of making it their best year yet. Resplendent in fresh uniforms, armed with the year’s book lists and stationery and an eager and optimistic attitude towards their studies, they were ready for the challenges that this all-important school year would throw at them. Never in their wildest dreams did they expect the insidious Covid-19 virus would be hurtling towards them at breakneck speed to wreak havoc on their precious, final school year. 

It is not just the big ceremonies and celebrations that were missed but also the little, insignificant moments that all contribute to this coming-of-age year: like studying in the library, attending career workshops, enjoying little moments with friends, mucking up in the common room, making plans for overseas experience, deliberating with your besties about the trendiest colour or sexiest cut for the ball gown, agonising over whether your crush will ask you to be your partner for the school formal. It is these mundanities too that collectively  make up the final year which will be etched in their  minds more than any other. What a devastating loss for our school leavers of 2020 who for the most part were out of their normal school setting as they battled the the year remotely and online. 

Their last year of school was literally turned upside down for the 2020 cohort: an academic year that is usually ordered and organised in military-like precision in neat sections of covering curriculum, well-planned study sessions and the mandatory tests and exams was suddenly up in the air. Instead of forging and cementing friendships in the final year which many say last a lifetime, the students had to social distance and isolate. Ploughing through the complex course work is tough enough but to be suddenly thrown in the deep end in terms of the delivery and disruptions made the senior year even harder to contend with. Overnight, traditional classroom settings were replaced by Zoom sessions which unsettled many because of technical difficulties and unfamiliar territory in terms of lesson delivery. 

In Australia, the Corona virus pandemic was just another “first” for the 2020 cohort who will turn out to be the most resilient bunch yet because of other changes that they endured during their school career. They made up the first year of compulsory prep school when it was trialed in 2008, they were the first year 7 classes who were removed from primary school and newly housed in high schools, and in Queensland it is the first year that Year 12 students are sitting the newly introduced ATAR exams which other states are familiar with. No other peace time school leavers had to deal with the changes that our 2020 cohort had to struggle through with such unprecedented disruptions in their education. 

As it often is, the best laid plans in life go awry and in times like these, the inspirational words of Oprah Winfrey can be so motivating: “Turn your wounds into wisdom”. Adversity is unwelcome and  inevitable but it does not have to define who we intrinsically are. We can overcome our mishaps, misfortunes and mistakes to still find happiness and conquer our goals. Every metaphorical demon we successfully slay, serves to strengthen our will, our confidence and our ability to confront future obstacles. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, right?

It is often during a time of upheaval that the most soulful reflections are made. The class of 2020 had a taste first-hand to do without in terms of rationing and restrictions that were put in place. The products of decades of economic prosperity, these school leavers have never really faced financial hardship. Unlike our generation that studied after leaving school so that we could fast track to a career that would ensure our economic survival, this Generation Z were more into higher order thinking like: what vocation would align to my moral values, is the career direction I pursue based on ethics, how can I add value to the world as a environmentally conscious individual and for many school leavers, work-related ambitions were a distant thought as they planned for the overseas gap year. Suddenly, international travel is not happening in the foreseeable future and jobs are few and far between as big conglomerates have become bankrupt. The immediate future looks bleak and our school leavers this year will no doubt face the brunt of economic hardship. The silver lining though has to be the time honoured truth which proves that in times of trouble, creativity and ingenuity comes to the fore. This has to be a positive thing, surely.

So, in these extraordinary times when our education system the world over has witnessed the most cataclysmic catastrophe in the history of education, the Class of 2020 will emerge as the most resilient, most creative and most compassionate cohort not in spite of, but because of the significant challenges that they had to face. Instead of bemoaning what has been lost from this watershed, final school year because of the pandemic,let us focus on the blessings in the form of lessons that came in its wake like learning to adapt, to be flexible, to be creative, to problem solve and to communicate better - invaluable life skills that are not part of the senior year school syllabus but smart skills which will no doubt hold us in good stead for the unpredictable future. 

So, Class of 2020, never for a moment think you were disadvantaged. On the contrary, you were the chosen ones, the lucky ones, because you share a bond that goes beyond borders with your global peers  and having experienced the limitations of our education system that was glaringly exposed through the virus, you are the best persons to redefine our dismal education system that have been trust upon us for centuries without heeding all forms of changes. You represent true grit. Go out and dream big! Oh, and also, thank you, Covid-19, for usurping the traditional teacher’s role and delivering to the senior students of 2020 the best life lessons they will ever experience. 

 

Shattering the Glass Ceiling

 

“Rosa sat, so that Ruby could walk, so that Kamala could run”

“While I may be the first woman in this office, I will not be the last, because every little girl watching tonight sees that this is a country of possibilities.” This was part of the victory speech of Kamala Harris, first female and first woman of colour to be elected as Vice President of the United States.  I don’t think the glory is diminished in any way by the fact that  she has reached this high office on the coat tails of an aged,  77-year old white man because the daughter of immigrant parents is still paving the way on this momentous occasion for little girls everywhere. The glass ceiling has been symbolically shattered and the fairer sex who have been marginalised for centuries now nurture the hope that if a person who is historically the wrong sex, the wrong colour and of the wrong birthright can ascend to such dizzying heights, then they can too. 

Throughout her campaign trial on the road to the Whitehouse, Kamala touched on the struggles of being a person of colour and the plight of immigrant families of which she was a product of an Indian born mother, Shamala Gopalan, and Jamaican father, Professor Donald Harris. However, what she focussed on most during her campaigning was the hardship and the obstacles women faced in getting ahead in office. While she accepts the accolade of forging new frontiers for women , she knows she has the sisterhood behind her back as can be seen in a pre-election speech she gave in Texas: ““Yes, sister, sometimes we may be the only one that looks like us walking in that room but the thing we all know is we never walk in those rooms alone — we are all in that room together.” (A Liverpool supporter, perchance?)

With all the astounding advancements  we as a global community have made in all the different spheres of life, we are still woefully, far behind in affording equal opportunity for women. It is for this reason that the metaphorical phrase “ the glass ceiling” was coined in the eighties to refer to women in leadership roles who seem to plateau and go no further than middle management roles. The glass ceiling , however, is still at least breakable on the odd occasion compared to the concrete ceiling which is almost impenetrable if you are a woman of colour. Thus, Kamala Harris’ role as second-in-command in one of the world’s largest democracies, must be seen as an extraordinary victory in view of the triple whammy she faced in being woman, coloured and from immigrant heritage. 

Closer to home there seems to be a “boys’ club” mentality that prevents or makes it difficult for women from securing promotions as heads of institutions. For whatever reason, men seem to be the preferred candidate against their female counterparts. Why? Is it because males already occupy leadership roles in that institution so they choose other males to fill positions because they are more familiar with the biological make-up of their male peers? Easier to go pub crawling? Or is there a notion that males are competitive, aggressive and outspoken which is more in keeping with head roles as opposed to women who are culturally brought up to be quiet, unassuming and subservient? What about the best person for the job based on competence and calibre?

One of my hobbies outside of teaching is to dabble in real estate - forever renovating a home to add value and then on-sell. So, as a project manager, I am forever dealing with men who almost always make up the building trade. In spite of me working on all the ideas of the design concepts and having thought out the whole aesthetics of the project, when it comes to issuing instructions to the workmen on what I need to have done, they will address my unsuspecting husband who happens to be nearby. Even though he reminds them to speak to the “the Mrs”, they will still continue to consult him proving blatantly that they don’t consider a woman to be capable of making decisions in which they consider to be a male domain. Even at my tuition centre, when someone pops in to make an enquiry about tuition, they bypass the tanned lady in front and look towards one of the male (bald and white) tutors and direct their enquiry. You see when it comes to looking like the head, you have to fit a certain mould - the less curvier, the less softer, the less compassionate, the better. 

One only has to take a look at boardrooms or management credentials to see how skewed the representation is in favour of males. The gender bias is top heavy in favour of men even in developed countries where women were given the vote from the early days. Who can forget that unforgettable moment in Australian history when the then female prime minister, Julia Gillard, stood up and berated the leader of the Opposition, Tony Abbott, for  being a misogynist and sexist. 

While Julia Gillard made history by breaking the glass ceiling she then had to face a glass cliff- where women who have been successful in securing the head position face unfair criticism and pressures  in their new, leading roles. For three years and three days in her role of prime minister she was constantly subjected to comments by the press on the fit of her jackets, the tone of her voice, the cut of her hair, the size of her bottom, the exposure of her cleavage, the state of being childless and most importantly the legitimacy of her rule. The men in her cabinet unfairly stuck the knife behind her back so that one of their cronies from the boys' club, Kevin Rudd, could succeed her. Had she been a man, her stay at the top would have been beyond any shadow of doubt a “cruisy” and infinitely longer one. 

When women managers display leadership qualities like being assertive, competitive or ambitious they are seen to be bossy or bitchy. When they try to be accommodating, tolerant or compassionate, they are seen as weak and pushovers. They don’t seem to win whichever leadership style they choose. While a male colleague may ask for a pay rise, offer an unsolicited opinion, use a harsh tone or challenge the status quo and still climb the corporate ladder, heaven forbid if a female dare do the same - she would be instantly labelled cranky and therefore poor leadership material. 

Perhaps the worst thing that hold women back in terms of leadership roles, is the fact they are held down by their own gender since the dawn of time. This female misogyny or what is often referred to as the “queen bee” syndrome is prevalent in almost every workplace where the mean girl behaviour often associated with high school continue to flourish when a female rises above the ranks. In the work place, for women leaders it is like being in the movie set of The Devil wears Prada or Mean Girls where you are viewed by the other females purely on how you look and what you wear than on your knowledge, expertise or competency. These women would much rather cheer or mentor a male colleague than their sisterhood. Sad, but true. 

Even when we occupy leadership roles that we have rightfully earned because of our hard work and competence, we still can’t get rid of the feeling that we are usurping a position that should be filled by someone with much higher testosterone levels. On a personal note, as Head of English at a high school in New Zealand and as moderator ( check marker) of an external English written expression paper in Australia, I would come up with creative and innovative ways to improve the system but would rack my brain as to how to present it in an understated almost apologetic manner lest I be seen as an upstart or an intruder. Even when I became owner and principal of my first tuition franchise, I still doubted whether I would be a successful businessman (sorry, businesswoman). You see, I notched two more obstacles than Kamala Harris as besides being on the wrong side of the track in terms of colour, gender, birthright, I also had the different nationality and accent. 

Admittedly, women are moving into fields that have been hitherto considered the male bastion in engineering,  the trades, the medical field, the sciences and on the sports field but the change is still in the form of tiny droplets. We, (with permission to speak on behalf of my soul sisters), are not asking for a deluge in terms of leadership roles in the upper echelons but we would be content with a steady flow. After all,when one looks at the global gender ratio, it is almost even at 101 males to 100 females and yet women only represent a meagre 10 %  as heads of a hierarchy ( largely dependent in which country you are from). Whether you are Eve or Steve, these are embarrassing statistics, wouldn’t you agree?

Eternal optimist that I am, it is my fervent hope that much sooner than later, our policy makers and employers will reinvigorate their efforts to work towards the universal goal of being judged as the right person for the job instead of the fusion of your chromosomes. 

For my part, I, and I trust that other mothers like me, will follow Kamala’s mother, Shyamala’s example, and teach our daughters to shatter the glass ceiling into smithereens instead of trying to fit into the glass slipper. 

Vijay Naidoo

+61 435784775

vijay_naidoo@hotmail.com

Focus on the Fundamentals

 "Mints on the pillow don’t mean a lot if the bed is not made. Focus on the basics first."

Yesterday saw the grand final between the Melbourne Storm and the Penrith Panthers in the National Rugby League Grand Final. The team from Penrith had 17 straight wins and were frothing at the bits to wreak carnage on the team from Victoria whose woes were exacerbated by living away from home for the last five months. For those of you that are familiar with the boys from Melbourne, they do not display fancy footwork, lightning speed runs or any dizzying aerial manoeuvres - they just get the job done, one set of six at a time.

In a calm, clinical way they applied their foot to their opposition’s throat squeezing it systematically to win the first half 22-0. They didn’t do anything fancy: they just ran forward in packs of twos and threes fearlessly, their halves rolled the ball into the goal line, they played the percentages and got through the sets. Repetitive and boring but it is what was needed  to make them the NRL grand champions once again. Sure, the opposition did gain ground in the second half but the Storm did well to protect their lead.

Just like winning coach, Craig Bellamy , from the Melbourne Storm, there are many other successful coaches who prove that the recipe for success is getting down to the basics. One in particular, was Vince Lombardi who took on the coaching job in 1961 of the Green Bay Packers football team who suffered an excruciating defeat the previous year in the NFL grand final against the Philadelphia Eagles.

To his bemused team, he started his coaching stint by raising something in the air and said, “This is a football.” He went on to train them taking nothing for granted as if they had no knowledge or experience of the game before. It is mind boggling that he adopted this approach with these professional athletes being blank slates - a team consisting entirely of professional footballers who were almost the champions the previous year!

Despite the teasing and sometimes the frustration of the players, Lombardi started from page 1 of the rule book and practised the basics over and over again. And what do you know - 6 months later his team trounced the New York Giants to win the NFL Championship 37 -0. The team’s secret? They just did the basics better than everyone else - they took nothing for granted.

In life too, we don’t need grand motivational speeches or be armed with the killer instinct to achieve goals. Most often, it is just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the basics well. Like Nike says, we need to “Just do it”. Like the Storm did to raise up the championship silverware - just complete a set of 6 to get to the goal line.

Very often, we look for one big break or a single event to catapult us to fame or to fortune. But really when road meets rubber, it is the fundamentals that determine our individual success: our daily habits, our routines and our little actions which all build up to make the win.

So don’t get bogged down with the details or with intricate game plans - focus on the fundamentals to be that better leader, worker, teacher, student, parent or yourself.

Have a great week, Folks, doing the ordinary things well.

#happynewweek #motivationalmonday #mondaymotivation #backtobasics #fundamentalsfirst

Social Distancing doesn’t mean Emotional Distancing

“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other”.   

SE Hall

Last week a shining, dazzling  light was snuffed out from our  Montarena High ex-students chat group when we lost a valued member. When I got up last Tuesday morning I was greeted by the news that he suffered a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. Before I could recover from this shocking news, there was an update barely minutes later that he had passed on. There is an aching void in the social group that is so tangible with its ear deafening silence. You could count on him to not only initiate interesting, philosophical conversations or dish out helpful and healthy advice but he also walked  the extra mile to personally respond to each one’s post with supportive comments in private chats.  For me personally, there is a deep sense of loss too as we had engaged in private discourses about well-being, creative writing and spirituality  almost every day. Although I knew him from our school days as the brother of another student that was in my cohort, I never really spoke or got to know him until a few months ago when I became active in this particular chat group. 

When someone passes on and you are called upon to remember them in a public forum, it usually requires the expertise of that akin to an accomplished plastic surgeon. With their adroit and nimble skills, this specialist physician goes to work armed with their sharp scalpel deftly cutting out the unsavoury bits of the deceased’s mortal existence and then succeeding to primp, buff and implant it with platitudes that is more in keeping with societal expectations . The end result of this sanitising and cosmetic procedure is attractive and appealing to all. As it should be. Just like there is no such thing as an ugly baby, you wouldn’t dare speak ill of the dearly departed. It is just not the done thing as it rubs our sensibilities the wrong way.

However, in the case of this beautiful soul who has  gone too soon, there is no need for a nip and tuck to eulogise the way he touched all that were fortunate enough to know him. He was open, accessible and always ever ready to engage with anyone that was in need of company. Even though he would comment openly in the group conversations, he went beyond the call of acceptable social standards to enter into private chats with all the members being  acutely aware of each one’s interests and their highs and lows they were experiencing at any given time. 

Nalin Nair may not be physically in our midst anymore but he leaves with us a lasting legacy. He demonstrated to us on such a basic level that “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world”. He understood that as human beings, our brains are wired to connect with others so that we feel a sense of belonging and connection to other people.  He realised full well that this experience is what we as humans need to live a happy and fulfilled life. 

In this current climate where we are required to social distance, sadly this has caused many of us to emotionally distance as well. For many who are usually on their own, the Covid-19 pandemic has exacerbated their loneliness. Although there is a notion, that one can still connect digitally on social media, it is not the same as someone reaching out to you in an authentic and meaningful way that Nalin so effortlessly did. 

From our university days we learnt about Maslow’s needs of hierarchy which states that our need for belonging comes a close second after our need for survival is met. So, the need to connect with others is fundamental to us if we are to  live a happy and fulfilled life. This means that we need to engage in meaningful relationships with others by connecting to them. By merely interacting or talking to someone about their interests doesn’t necessarily mean that you are connecting to them. 

True connection with another person means being open and available in the sense that you are empathetic and compassionate to them. It means making the time to listen to them, showing understanding and empathy for what they are telling you and doing this out of the goodness of your heart without expecting anything in return. Making people laugh, having fun nights out by socialising, having some drinks with others and talking about the footy or going out dancing is not really connecting. Even co-habiting with a spouse and going through the motions of marriage is not really connection. Nalin was endowed with a gift of being in the present moment and nurturing a relationship of trust so that you felt and experienced a true connection. What a rare and sorely needed characteristic to make our world a better place. 

We are now living in a time which many are referring to as the “new normal”. Now, more than ever before, we are experiencing “down time”. With this extra time, we seem to think, remember, regret and worry more. There are far too many people who seem much more isolated than before because they are not going about their usual lives. If we are doing okay, we should keep Nalin’s moral legacy alive by reaching  out to people that are less fortunate than us in terms of connection. 

As we take the necessary precautions to look after our physical selves by adhering to the social distance rules, we should pay equal attention to take care of the emotional needs of those that feel alone and isolated. If you know of someone that lives by them self, call them and have a chat, reach out to people that have lost loved ones and share in their grief, offer help with shopping or running errands for those that are elderly,  look out for people that are doing it tough in this trying time and add some cheer to their lives. 

In the workplace, teachers,  be more compassionate  in your interactions with your students; managers,  show some caring to your subordinates, workers, you can take the initiative to enquire about your superiors well-being instead of the other way around, you could check if they are okay too and the general public could be more mindful and exercise more patience to health service workers as well as people in hospitality and retail. 

Make the time and effort to reach out and make a human connection either individually or in a group because it brings so many benefits for all involved: the relationships that we build and nurture gives us the primordial sense of belonging in a partnership that we all crave for, it affords us a sense of identity and we can learn from others’ experiences and insight. And, is this support system with all its feel-good values not therapy itself?

Lastly, you yourself need to surrender and allow other people to reach out to you. Many of us tend to isolate ourselves because we feel unworthy of being loved or we fear the pains of rejection or that we may not be able to fit in with others. In Brene Brown’s TED talk in the Power of Vulnerability, she asks us to not “to bottle up our emotions”, to show the courage to be vulnerable and to “show up, face fear and move forward”. 

In a world of algorithms, hashtags, likes, pokes and follows, Nalin showed us the true meaning of human connection. We will pay him the ultimate tribute if we could carry on with his moral legacy of connecting in an authentic and meaningful way. 

Nalin, you entered our lives like a blazing comet and you sprinkled all that you touched with shooting stars of caring, compassion and the credo of making human connections. We will honour you in little ways so just like you, we will leave this world a better place. 

Till we meet again, Brother.

Let’s say “yes” to saying “no” to today’s Kids

“The more risks you allow your children to take, the better they learn to take care of themselves” 

Roald Dahl

I visited my friend in Brisbane last weekend for a sleepover and she introduced me to a Hindi-language movie on Netflix ( with sub-titles, thankfully) called “Hindi Medium”. It is about a young couple, Raj (played by the late Irfan Khan) and his wife, Mita, who go through extraordinary lengths to get their daughter, Pia, into a  prestigious, private school. It made me think about how times have changed through the generations regarding parenting. In my childhood when children were “seen and not heard” to present times where the parents are virtually wrapped around their kids’ little fingers, the whole landscape of parenting has evolved so drastically. Are school teachers paying the high cost of unruly and ill-mannered  children because of weak parents that pander to their child’s every whim?

You may have heard about the term “helicopter” parent which refers to a parent that is overly protective of their child. These parents will move mountains as they mollycoddle their child by showering them with excessive individual attention to the extent the child feels that he or she is king of the castle. The problems arise, however, when these kids are not treated as royalty in other social situations like the classroom. This leads to aggressive behaviour and “hissy fits” and to make matters worse, teachers cop the blame for not stimulating these “intelligent” children enough. 

Child psychologists say that there is enough evidence to prove that we are doing our children a big disservice by giving in to their every want. Parents who hover around their kids, not only make every decision for them, but also go out of their way to make their lives comfortable by giving them everything they ask for. For the first time in history, today’s parents have failed to pass on the time-honoured baton of authoritative parenting as we know it. Instead, we have become “lawnmower” parents clearing our angels’ paths from any anticipated difficulty so that they have metamorphosed into something akin to “cotton wool” or “bubble wrap” kids. 

All parents want the best for their children but are you guilty of over-parenting? Do you charge to the school at the start of the year and ensure your little Johnny is placed in Ms Super Teacher’s class to be seated next to his friend? Do you get into the car and rush to school to deliver a forgotten lunch, homework or sports gear? Request your child be excused for the assignment deadline because he was stressed with too much other work? Send your own food and drink to a party your child is attending because he/she is a picky eater? Demand that your child get a part in the annual school performance or an award? 

If our children are not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them, how will they be equipped to fit in the real world when the time comes? When things don’t go their own way, they don’t get what they want or to hear the word “no”? In our quest to be the modern parent who is lovingly attuned to their child’s emotional needs, we have allowed the pendulum to swing too far to the other end where we feel if we deny our children anything, we are not showing our parental love. 

My own kids used to think I am a mean mum while they were in school. If they texted me to bring their lunch which they forgot to school, I would type a hasty reply, “Kids in Africa go days without food, you can make it to the afternoon”. When I gave them a time to be in the car before I took off to school or some other outing, I would drive off at the appointed time whether they were in the car or not”. If they asked for a reward if they thought they did good work, they would get the reply, “Mate, in Africa where I come from, doing good work is normal. Why do you need a reward?” Even now they still remember my automatic response when they needed last minute help: “Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine” (Bob Carter). 

One morning my daughter asked me to write a late note for her as I dropped her off at school. I asked her what excuse should I put in to which she replied, “Say we have overseas visitors” which we did have at the time but our house also has four bathrooms so you can understand why I was somewhat perplexed about her not being ready on time. Anyway, I hastily scribbled a note and off she skipped to the admin office to sign in. When she returned home, she was not impressed. “How could write that late note, Mum? You are the meanest mum ever!”. I had written: “Kim is late this morning because she was disorganised. Please do not excuse her tardiness. On the contrary, administer the due disciplinary measures so that this inexcusable behaviour does not recur.”(or something to that effect).  It ended off well for Kim, though, because the receptionist said she will waive the detention as  the reason was honest. 

Being an educator for the past 35 years, I have seen first-hand the damage that is caused to children whose parents handle them with kid gloves. I think it is about time we said “yes” to saying “no” so that we raise children who will take their rightful places in society as responsible adults of tomorrow. 

 Kids need to feel and to learn to deal with discomfort so it doesn’t come as a shock to them in adulthood when things are bound to not go their way. Children need to learn about “delayed gratification” - if they want something like a bike or a mobile phone, they need to wait. We need to support their development to work and earn what they desire. If we give them instantly what they want, then we run the risk of raising entitled individuals. You can’t be a parent and a friend at the same time - kids need to know that the parent is in charge and who set boundaries which means saying “no” every now and then. There’s no evidence to suggest that your child will love you less if you don’t give in to their requests. 

Our children are our reasons for living. It is also our moral obligation to love and nurture them to be the best versions of ourselves. However, in doing so we must not err on the side of over-indulgence where we give them too much of individual time and expensive, material possessions, waiting on them hand and foot without allowing them to work on life skills that will prepare them for their adult lives or being very lenient about discipline where they are not accountable for their own choices in behaviour. 

My 25-year old son who lives in Sydney called me up not too long ago and thanked me for being a tough mum and instilling old-fashioned values. I replied, “Really?”. He affirmed it was as he found it distressing to see how youngsters handle freedom when they move out and are on their own and how they go overboard with their risqué behaviour: partying, driving too fast, abusing alcohol and drugs, having promiscuous relationships and generally behaving irresponsibly to fit in with their delinquent friends. This is sadly the consequence of parents not allowing their kids to take risks as children so they are not capable of making responsible decisions as adults. 

While “helicopter” parents’ may have good intentions, they don’t understand that their approach is not the best for their kids over the longer term to prepare them to stand on their own feet when the time comes.

Instead of hovering with oscillating rotors whirring dangerously close to their children’s heads, it would be worth the while for “ helicopter” parents to instead arm their children with parachutes of life- and decision making skills so they can jump safely when the situation requires it. 

Knitting is the best form of Mindful Meditation

In the rhythm of the needles, there’s music for the soul

Since the Covid-19 virus introduced the lockdown in March, I took out my knitting needles (which I last used about 20 years ago) to busy myself  in the “down” time. Like me, my daughter has migrated from synthetic to fully organic cotton and pure wool clothing which gave me the perfect excuse to knit a 100 % wool sweater for her. I have knitted three for her already during the social distancing time and just completed this mustard, cable knit in a gorgeous New Zealand Shetland pure lambswool yarn yesterday (see photo). 

I am so glad to be clicking my needles again because apart from producing a beautiful woollen creation from two bamboo sticks and some yarn, knitting takes me to my happy place. I am an introvert by nature (not in the quiet, shy sense but more like preferring my own company)The repetitive motions of knitting  centres you like meditation does. While repeating the same pattern over and over, you stop thinking about other things and you’re brought right into the present moment - a peaceful state of mindfulness where you are not pre-occupied about the past nor fretting about the future. 

Like the monotonous metronome which swings to and fro, the rhythmic,repetition of the knitting stitches which a member from one of my knitting groups so aptly described as “stab, strangle, scoop and throw”, helps to calm the breathing and lowers the heart rate by doing the same stitch over and over again. One can say it is similar to effecting the yoga asanas(poses) time and time again. This tactile craft forces me to be present there in the moment and to pay full attention. It’s humble and repetitive, challenging and meditative. While yoga is known to have restorative powers, the act of knitting does too but goes one better by producing a tangible work of art at the end. 

It is said that Albert Einstein knitted to clear his mind and Ryan Gosling, the movie star revealed that his perfect day would include yarn and knitting needles. He learnt to knit from a room full of old ladies who taught him the craft while he was filming the movie, “Lars and the Real Girl”. Kaffe Fassett, the American born textile designer who is world renowned for his colourful knitted designs, thinks that knitting is “the most therapeutic thing in the world”.  Other famous celebrities that knit all the time are silver screen actresses, Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep, queen in waiting, Kate Middleton and actor David Arquette and many more. 

When you really think about it, knitting is akin to a modern day miracle. For those of you that are not yet into this captivating textile art form, did you know that all knitting is made up of just two stitches, plain and purl? Can anything be more simple than that? The jaw-dropping Aran jumper with its labyrinth of cables, the sheer, silky gossamer shawl, the colourful, Intarsia work cardigan, the intricate colour work of the Fair Isle sweater, the pretty lacework of a summer singlet, the stitch sampler of a bed throw or just the humble socks, scarves and hats are made up of just two stitches: a plain stitch that is done through the back of the needle and a purl stitch whose loop is made by bringing the needle in front. From these two basic stitches, a whole array of knitted masterpieces are designed and created. Mind boggling, isn’t it?

At the alternative Waldorf School based on the philosophies of Rudolf Steiner, first graders learn to knit before they learn to read. Steiner favoured handiwork because it “introduces the world of mechanism and brings movement, while on the other [hand] it trains in the power of attention.” Knitting helps the brain create neural pathways that connect what the eyes see and what the hands feel. Therefore, essential skills like hand-eye co-ordination, fine motor skills, visual discrimination, sensory perception and spatial awareness are all practised in a fun way through a pair of sticks and pretty string.

While knitting can become quite addictive, the irony is that it has enjoyed such transformative benefits by getting rid of other destructive addictions. In Australia, there’s a Knit to Quit group for smokers, I read an article about a psychologist using knitting with a group of women suffering from eating disorders and another of a counsellor using knitting with inmates to reduce feelings of anger, depression and frustration. There is a large body of research that shows that knitting regularly, keeps dementia at bay. Also, keeping the fingers moving with knitting is great for maintaining mobility for those suffering from arthritis. Knitting, because of it’s binary nature, is all about counting, multiplying, measuring, and patterning, which are great for all math and coding skills.

Today, like in the ancient times, knitting is a social activity and creates a sense of community. There are thousands of knitting pages, groups, podcasts or blogs that you can interact with. One knitting page that I follow is called Knitting Bartender and is run by a talented, American knitter called Keenan Goldsmith. He is a big, burly hunk of a man who mesmerises his followers with the most complicated cable patterned sweaters and his enthusiasm for knitting is so infectious. 

Unlike grandma who sat inside her home and knitted on her own, nowadays you can get so much of help, hints, advice, tips and tricks from like-minded people who make the most amazing knitted creations one stitch and one row at a time. It doesn’t matter what your skill level is, YouTube is bursting with tutorials to teach you how to knit anything from the simplest scarves to the most complex cardigan. A popular podcast on Youtube called The Grocery Girls, hosted by two Canadian sisters, Tracie and Jodie, share their passion for knitting and fibre and are a delight to listen to as they discuss various topics that interests knitters. The pandemic has been instrumental in jettisoning this craft which goes back to the 5th century where it first originated in the Middle East to new heights in popularity with sales going through the roof in yarn, needles, patterns, knitting accessories and knitting kits. 

I usually have two knitting projects on the go at any one time: a simple pattern where I can knit mechanically without really focussing on my work like when I am watching the footy, tennis, cricket, Netflix or talking to a friend on the phone. The other piece of work could be a complex design where I need to be highly focussed on the task at hand which involves counting stitches like in cable work. In both instances, however, my mind is free from stress and in an harmonious state of flow where nothing else matters. Knit one, purl one, breathe in, breathe out, stitch by stitch like counting on a rosary bead or a mala and at the end there’s a beautiful creation that bears the stamp of your sense of accomplishment and creativity. 

Knitting, the modern day yoga, is an activity that stills the mind and destresses the body. So, if you’re stressed, fighting an addiction, looking for a way to connect with other people, or make someone’s day by gifting them your knitted creation, what are you waiting for? Learn to knit! You will discover the therapeutic benefits of knitting - because the fact is, “Beautiful things come together, one stitch at a time” while at the same time leading you to a place of love, quiet and peace. 

So, quit knit-picking and become part of a tight-knit group; I assure you, you will be hooked in no time. 

Have a fabulous week, Folks!

Real Heroes don’t wear Capes

“I think a hero is any person really intent on making this a better place for all people.”

Maya Angelou

While scrolling through my Facebook feed on my phone last Saturday night, Fatima Sydow’s cooking video popped up with her Cape Malay recipe for Soesys Bredie (Sausage Stew). Ah, a great idea for Sunday lunch, I thought, so I settled in and watched Fatima, the inspirational home cook whom I have been following lately, show me how it’s done. 

Fatima’s cooking videos are a far cry from the other professionally set up ones that have become popular: the ones with well-known celebrity chefs in well-lighted, state of the art kitchens with latest in colour, co-ordinated gadgetry and utensils and all the fine ingredients neatly measured, prepped and laid out in mini, cute, glass bowls. No, Fatima just uses a no-filter, amateur, video camera propped up above her stove cooktop and she literally just throws stuff into the sizzling pot from her plastic bowls or whatever as she talks and chuckles mischievously. With the absence of industry standard production techniques, the cooking experience is scaled down and so much more humbling and heartfelt - it is like you are right there in your favourite aunty’s kitchen.  It cuts back cooking to basics and for those that are still intimated and lacking in cooking skills, it gives you a sense that you can hack this too because everything is so simple and non-fiddly using familiar ingredients. 

In her Cape Malay accent, the lady who hails from the Mannenberg, Cape Flats district, attests to the simplicity of her cooking style: ”You know any good recipe is determined by what you have in your pantry, what you have in your fridge and what you can afford at that time and what’s available in your region. It will still taste lekker.”  I feel relaxed and nostalgic and get so much of joy while I watch Fatima cooking especially listening to the rustic, Cape Town accent: “That is going to fry until it’s DORK, DORK, DORK brown and we will be right back.”

I was looking for inspiration to shine the light on a phenomenal woman for my motivational piece this week in honour of Women’s Month celebrated in August in South Africa and what a perfect example of a local, honest-to-goodness soul sister bringing so much of joy to her over 45 000 YouTube subscribers, nearly half million Facebook followers, countless readers of her Cape Malay Style recipe books and her television show she hosts with her twin sister, Gajima, called “Kaap, Kerrie en Koeksusters”. She succeeds in changing ordinary people’s lives by using her gift of cooking to make people happy: 

“When I make food, I feel very calm and feel closer to the people who taught me to make it. So I hope I give the same energy to others to enjoy this whole process of cooking”. You sure do, Fatima, and thank you too to your late mother, Wasiela, who inspired you and your sister in her District 6 kitchen to be the awesome cook you are. 

What adds more to Fatima’s amazing success is her backstory. She grew up in a poor home in Mitchell’s Plain with her five siblings. She dropped out of school in Year 10 and then one day she just woke up and said ‘No, I want to make something of my life and do something and education is important’. With that determined promise she made to herself, she resumed her studies at school and “at 19 years old, I finished with flying colours,” she reports with her infectious chuckle. Although she had enrolled as an Archeology student, she had to withdraw because of lack of funds. She then opted to pursue her other passion of culinary arts and worked in a hospital canteen frying “slap chips” where she slowly introduced her own style of cuisine to feed the exhausted, over-worked medical staff. 

Fatima sought refuge in the hospital which became her second home as she tried to escape from her own home where she was suffering from an extremely abusive marital relationship. This miserable marriage was compounded by the fact that she couldn’t have children of her own so she gave all the love she had to the little ones recovering in hospital at that time. 

They say real heroes don’t have to wear capes; they are all around us rising above the terror of their barbaric experiences to sprinkle a little light and laughter to light up the lack-lustre lives of others that are also doing it tough. It is inspiring and reassuring to know that from the bottomless depths of despair, these living angels amongst us have been plunged like fresh tea leaves into scalding water to rise up on the other side with their aromatic scent of forgiveness to bequeath us the heart-stopping pleasure of a soul satisfying cup of tea. 

I hail from a humble but happy childhood home and I was not exposed to the cruelties of the world that many of my soul sisters have been through so while my heart bleeds for the unnecessary pain and suffering that you have been subjected through to abject poverty, substance abuse, domestic violence, molestation, emotional abuse or abandonment or disengaged parents, my heart sings sweetly when I come across the proverbial phoenixes like Fatima who is a living testimony that signals the universal truth that things can be turned around for the better. 

Thank you to all the phenomenal women that I interact with daily especially through social media who have been through turbulent times and still continue to put on brave smiles as you work through your challenges with health, professional, relationship and personal development issues. Life is bound to knock you down but you have to get up, stand up and show up like Fatima Sydow is doing it so beautifully and effortlessly. 

Have a phenomenal Women’s Month in South Africa and continue on your journey of being the authentic woman you already are. I don’t think I am going to wait for next Easter to make pickled fish that I used to love while I lived in South Africa or the hot cross buns - going to try many more recipes from her Facebook page Fatima Sydow Cooks. 

Have an awesome week and month and do your bit to honour and spread a little sunshine to a lovely lass or lady in your midst. 

#fatimasydow #Womensmonth #phenomenalwoman #heroesdontwearcapes

We should give Ourselves Permission to Fail

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Although many weeks have passed, I still can’t stop expressing my sadness to the untimely death of Sushant Singh Rajput, a young and dashing Bollywood actor, whose handsome face keeps popping up on social media screens. For whatever reason, this talented actor made the painful decision to end his short life at 34 years of age. I don’t know this actor well but I did manage to watch one of the movies he starred in when I visited South Africa in December 2018. It was a beautiful movie called “Kedernath” with the most breath-taking mountain scenes that act as a backdrop for the love story in the 2013 Uttarakhand floods in which about 5,000 people died. 

Why would someone who was supposedly riding the crest of the fame wave make the most irrational decision to bring to an end a promising and vibrant life? Many speculate that the young actor was suffering from depression because he was withdrawn from at least four of the films that he was supposed to have starred in. This brings home the sad reality that in life we are groomed for success but no-one prepares us for failure and setback. When the going gets tough, very often we don’t have the mental ability or the emotional stamina to ride through the stormy waters of life. 

As little kids we are constantly being encouraged to be the best and we are rewarded in tangible forms when we come out first at school, touch the ribbon at the end of the race, make it for man of the match, take the lead role in a play or win a talent contest. We are made to feel so special as we smile through the euphoria when our photos are taken and our parents and family let everyone know that they are connected to us - the winner, the victor, the star. It is true that the winning feeling is wonderful, it is exciting, it is positively intoxicating and who wouldn’t want a big dose of it. 

But what happens when things don’t go as they should? When the best set plans in life go awry? When your life turns to custard? When the promotion that you were so sure of getting, goes to someone else, the loan that was going to get you the new house, car or overseas trip is turned down, the love of your life tells you they “need some space” or you suffer the loss of a loved one or a job. You suddenly experience feelings that plummet you to such low depths and while you learned to smile and celebrate, no-one has showed you how to cope with the gut-wrenching feelings of rejection, defeat or loss. Or how to climb out of this deep, dark hole. 

There is a fundamental rule that exists when we follow a dream or a goal: we are at a Point A and we need to get to a Point B where our dream rests. So, we get ourselves busy to frantically connect the dots between the two points to realise our aspirations. When the distance between the two dots are too far apart, we put ourselves through an emotional rollercoaster as we experience the negative feelings of frustration, heartache and anger. 

The sad truth is that by clawing onto the dream life that we so desperately ache for, we lose sight of our present reality. When we cling too tightly to WHAT CAN BE, we rob ourselves of the opportunity of appreciating THE NOW and what we already have. Far too often we are lost in the mistaken reality of believing that we would only be truly happy if our dream comes true. The fundamental flaw of this approach is while chasing a dream, we are depriving ourselves from enjoying the life that we already have. A constant state of disappointment and disillusionment can easily lead to depression and despair and for some to take drastic measures like the rising star, Sushant did. 

A healthier approach to life would be to acknowledge where we are presently in life, to set goals or have dreams and try to be the best we can be IN THE MOMENT. When we do this, we are able to keep our eye on the ball in the present instead of obsessing on the future and fighting desperately for our dreams to be realised. In this way we don’t postpone life and limit our happiness which we feel we will only enjoy when our dreams do in fact come true. Give yourself permission to have the opportunity to TRY and even if you fail, it would be much less painful. You tried, you failed, you dust yourself, you get up, and try again. Life and happiness are part of the journey and should not just be confined to the destination. 

Have a dream but take life as it comes: one step at a time. The chances are you would trip or tumble on the way but it is going to be a great adventure.  When you feel the early winter sun on your face, when you see autumn leaves fall, when you pull your gown a little tighter while a storm rages outside, when your child cuddles up to you, when a tear falls involuntarily when you come across a poignant point in a story you are reading, when you inhale the warm aroma of the morning coffee, you realise that life is beautiful. You are free, you are healthy, you are alive. It really doesn’t matter whether dreams come true because we should be grateful for the small and simple things in life. If indeed the dream does get fulfilled, it is mere icing on the already fantastic cake of life. 

Our focus should be on living while the dream is just a part of that. Be grateful for the life you have now: the people who love you, your work, your talents, your interests, your relationships you have within or outside your family, your health and your peace of mind. You can handle failure when you realise that the fact that you are alive and well to pursue a dream is the dream coming true already. 

Have a fabulous week, Folks!