“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other”.
SE Hall
Last week a shining, dazzling light was snuffed out from our Montarena High ex-students chat group when we lost a valued member. When I got up last Tuesday morning I was greeted by the news that he suffered a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. Before I could recover from this shocking news, there was an update barely minutes later that he had passed on. There is an aching void in the social group that is so tangible with its ear deafening silence. You could count on him to not only initiate interesting, philosophical conversations or dish out helpful and healthy advice but he also walked the extra mile to personally respond to each one’s post with supportive comments in private chats. For me personally, there is a deep sense of loss too as we had engaged in private discourses about well-being, creative writing and spirituality almost every day. Although I knew him from our school days as the brother of another student that was in my cohort, I never really spoke or got to know him until a few months ago when I became active in this particular chat group.
When someone passes on and you are called upon to remember them in a public forum, it usually requires the expertise of that akin to an accomplished plastic surgeon. With their adroit and nimble skills, this specialist physician goes to work armed with their sharp scalpel deftly cutting out the unsavoury bits of the deceased’s mortal existence and then succeeding to primp, buff and implant it with platitudes that is more in keeping with societal expectations . The end result of this sanitising and cosmetic procedure is attractive and appealing to all. As it should be. Just like there is no such thing as an ugly baby, you wouldn’t dare speak ill of the dearly departed. It is just not the done thing as it rubs our sensibilities the wrong way.
However, in the case of this beautiful soul who has gone too soon, there is no need for a nip and tuck to eulogise the way he touched all that were fortunate enough to know him. He was open, accessible and always ever ready to engage with anyone that was in need of company. Even though he would comment openly in the group conversations, he went beyond the call of acceptable social standards to enter into private chats with all the members being acutely aware of each one’s interests and their highs and lows they were experiencing at any given time.
Nalin Nair may not be physically in our midst anymore but he leaves with us a lasting legacy. He demonstrated to us on such a basic level that “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world”. He understood that as human beings, our brains are wired to connect with others so that we feel a sense of belonging and connection to other people. He realised full well that this experience is what we as humans need to live a happy and fulfilled life.
In this current climate where we are required to social distance, sadly this has caused many of us to emotionally distance as well. For many who are usually on their own, the Covid-19 pandemic has exacerbated their loneliness. Although there is a notion, that one can still connect digitally on social media, it is not the same as someone reaching out to you in an authentic and meaningful way that Nalin so effortlessly did.
From our university days we learnt about Maslow’s needs of hierarchy which states that our need for belonging comes a close second after our need for survival is met. So, the need to connect with others is fundamental to us if we are to live a happy and fulfilled life. This means that we need to engage in meaningful relationships with others by connecting to them. By merely interacting or talking to someone about their interests doesn’t necessarily mean that you are connecting to them.
True connection with another person means being open and available in the sense that you are empathetic and compassionate to them. It means making the time to listen to them, showing understanding and empathy for what they are telling you and doing this out of the goodness of your heart without expecting anything in return. Making people laugh, having fun nights out by socialising, having some drinks with others and talking about the footy or going out dancing is not really connecting. Even co-habiting with a spouse and going through the motions of marriage is not really connection. Nalin was endowed with a gift of being in the present moment and nurturing a relationship of trust so that you felt and experienced a true connection. What a rare and sorely needed characteristic to make our world a better place.
We are now living in a time which many are referring to as the “new normal”. Now, more than ever before, we are experiencing “down time”. With this extra time, we seem to think, remember, regret and worry more. There are far too many people who seem much more isolated than before because they are not going about their usual lives. If we are doing okay, we should keep Nalin’s moral legacy alive by reaching out to people that are less fortunate than us in terms of connection.
As we take the necessary precautions to look after our physical selves by adhering to the social distance rules, we should pay equal attention to take care of the emotional needs of those that feel alone and isolated. If you know of someone that lives by them self, call them and have a chat, reach out to people that have lost loved ones and share in their grief, offer help with shopping or running errands for those that are elderly, look out for people that are doing it tough in this trying time and add some cheer to their lives.
In the workplace, teachers, be more compassionate in your interactions with your students; managers, show some caring to your subordinates, workers, you can take the initiative to enquire about your superiors well-being instead of the other way around, you could check if they are okay too and the general public could be more mindful and exercise more patience to health service workers as well as people in hospitality and retail.
Make the time and effort to reach out and make a human connection either individually or in a group because it brings so many benefits for all involved: the relationships that we build and nurture gives us the primordial sense of belonging in a partnership that we all crave for, it affords us a sense of identity and we can learn from others’ experiences and insight. And, is this support system with all its feel-good values not therapy itself?
Lastly, you yourself need to surrender and allow other people to reach out to you. Many of us tend to isolate ourselves because we feel unworthy of being loved or we fear the pains of rejection or that we may not be able to fit in with others. In Brene Brown’s TED talk in the Power of Vulnerability, she asks us to not “to bottle up our emotions”, to show the courage to be vulnerable and to “show up, face fear and move forward”.
In a world of algorithms, hashtags, likes, pokes and follows, Nalin showed us the true meaning of human connection. We will pay him the ultimate tribute if we could carry on with his moral legacy of connecting in an authentic and meaningful way.
Nalin, you entered our lives like a blazing comet and you sprinkled all that you touched with shooting stars of caring, compassion and the credo of making human connections. We will honour you in little ways so just like you, we will leave this world a better place.
Till we meet again, Brother.
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