Let’s say “yes” to saying “no” to today’s Kids

“The more risks you allow your children to take, the better they learn to take care of themselves” 

Roald Dahl

I visited my friend in Brisbane last weekend for a sleepover and she introduced me to a Hindi-language movie on Netflix ( with sub-titles, thankfully) called “Hindi Medium”. It is about a young couple, Raj (played by the late Irfan Khan) and his wife, Mita, who go through extraordinary lengths to get their daughter, Pia, into a  prestigious, private school. It made me think about how times have changed through the generations regarding parenting. In my childhood when children were “seen and not heard” to present times where the parents are virtually wrapped around their kids’ little fingers, the whole landscape of parenting has evolved so drastically. Are school teachers paying the high cost of unruly and ill-mannered  children because of weak parents that pander to their child’s every whim?

You may have heard about the term “helicopter” parent which refers to a parent that is overly protective of their child. These parents will move mountains as they mollycoddle their child by showering them with excessive individual attention to the extent the child feels that he or she is king of the castle. The problems arise, however, when these kids are not treated as royalty in other social situations like the classroom. This leads to aggressive behaviour and “hissy fits” and to make matters worse, teachers cop the blame for not stimulating these “intelligent” children enough. 

Child psychologists say that there is enough evidence to prove that we are doing our children a big disservice by giving in to their every want. Parents who hover around their kids, not only make every decision for them, but also go out of their way to make their lives comfortable by giving them everything they ask for. For the first time in history, today’s parents have failed to pass on the time-honoured baton of authoritative parenting as we know it. Instead, we have become “lawnmower” parents clearing our angels’ paths from any anticipated difficulty so that they have metamorphosed into something akin to “cotton wool” or “bubble wrap” kids. 

All parents want the best for their children but are you guilty of over-parenting? Do you charge to the school at the start of the year and ensure your little Johnny is placed in Ms Super Teacher’s class to be seated next to his friend? Do you get into the car and rush to school to deliver a forgotten lunch, homework or sports gear? Request your child be excused for the assignment deadline because he was stressed with too much other work? Send your own food and drink to a party your child is attending because he/she is a picky eater? Demand that your child get a part in the annual school performance or an award? 

If our children are not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them, how will they be equipped to fit in the real world when the time comes? When things don’t go their own way, they don’t get what they want or to hear the word “no”? In our quest to be the modern parent who is lovingly attuned to their child’s emotional needs, we have allowed the pendulum to swing too far to the other end where we feel if we deny our children anything, we are not showing our parental love. 

My own kids used to think I am a mean mum while they were in school. If they texted me to bring their lunch which they forgot to school, I would type a hasty reply, “Kids in Africa go days without food, you can make it to the afternoon”. When I gave them a time to be in the car before I took off to school or some other outing, I would drive off at the appointed time whether they were in the car or not”. If they asked for a reward if they thought they did good work, they would get the reply, “Mate, in Africa where I come from, doing good work is normal. Why do you need a reward?” Even now they still remember my automatic response when they needed last minute help: “Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine” (Bob Carter). 

One morning my daughter asked me to write a late note for her as I dropped her off at school. I asked her what excuse should I put in to which she replied, “Say we have overseas visitors” which we did have at the time but our house also has four bathrooms so you can understand why I was somewhat perplexed about her not being ready on time. Anyway, I hastily scribbled a note and off she skipped to the admin office to sign in. When she returned home, she was not impressed. “How could write that late note, Mum? You are the meanest mum ever!”. I had written: “Kim is late this morning because she was disorganised. Please do not excuse her tardiness. On the contrary, administer the due disciplinary measures so that this inexcusable behaviour does not recur.”(or something to that effect).  It ended off well for Kim, though, because the receptionist said she will waive the detention as  the reason was honest. 

Being an educator for the past 35 years, I have seen first-hand the damage that is caused to children whose parents handle them with kid gloves. I think it is about time we said “yes” to saying “no” so that we raise children who will take their rightful places in society as responsible adults of tomorrow. 

 Kids need to feel and to learn to deal with discomfort so it doesn’t come as a shock to them in adulthood when things are bound to not go their way. Children need to learn about “delayed gratification” - if they want something like a bike or a mobile phone, they need to wait. We need to support their development to work and earn what they desire. If we give them instantly what they want, then we run the risk of raising entitled individuals. You can’t be a parent and a friend at the same time - kids need to know that the parent is in charge and who set boundaries which means saying “no” every now and then. There’s no evidence to suggest that your child will love you less if you don’t give in to their requests. 

Our children are our reasons for living. It is also our moral obligation to love and nurture them to be the best versions of ourselves. However, in doing so we must not err on the side of over-indulgence where we give them too much of individual time and expensive, material possessions, waiting on them hand and foot without allowing them to work on life skills that will prepare them for their adult lives or being very lenient about discipline where they are not accountable for their own choices in behaviour. 

My 25-year old son who lives in Sydney called me up not too long ago and thanked me for being a tough mum and instilling old-fashioned values. I replied, “Really?”. He affirmed it was as he found it distressing to see how youngsters handle freedom when they move out and are on their own and how they go overboard with their risqué behaviour: partying, driving too fast, abusing alcohol and drugs, having promiscuous relationships and generally behaving irresponsibly to fit in with their delinquent friends. This is sadly the consequence of parents not allowing their kids to take risks as children so they are not capable of making responsible decisions as adults. 

While “helicopter” parents’ may have good intentions, they don’t understand that their approach is not the best for their kids over the longer term to prepare them to stand on their own feet when the time comes.

Instead of hovering with oscillating rotors whirring dangerously close to their children’s heads, it would be worth the while for “ helicopter” parents to instead arm their children with parachutes of life- and decision making skills so they can jump safely when the situation requires it.