Social Distancing doesn’t mean Emotional Distancing

“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other”.   

SE Hall

Last week a shining, dazzling  light was snuffed out from our  Montarena High ex-students chat group when we lost a valued member. When I got up last Tuesday morning I was greeted by the news that he suffered a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. Before I could recover from this shocking news, there was an update barely minutes later that he had passed on. There is an aching void in the social group that is so tangible with its ear deafening silence. You could count on him to not only initiate interesting, philosophical conversations or dish out helpful and healthy advice but he also walked  the extra mile to personally respond to each one’s post with supportive comments in private chats.  For me personally, there is a deep sense of loss too as we had engaged in private discourses about well-being, creative writing and spirituality  almost every day. Although I knew him from our school days as the brother of another student that was in my cohort, I never really spoke or got to know him until a few months ago when I became active in this particular chat group. 

When someone passes on and you are called upon to remember them in a public forum, it usually requires the expertise of that akin to an accomplished plastic surgeon. With their adroit and nimble skills, this specialist physician goes to work armed with their sharp scalpel deftly cutting out the unsavoury bits of the deceased’s mortal existence and then succeeding to primp, buff and implant it with platitudes that is more in keeping with societal expectations . The end result of this sanitising and cosmetic procedure is attractive and appealing to all. As it should be. Just like there is no such thing as an ugly baby, you wouldn’t dare speak ill of the dearly departed. It is just not the done thing as it rubs our sensibilities the wrong way.

However, in the case of this beautiful soul who has  gone too soon, there is no need for a nip and tuck to eulogise the way he touched all that were fortunate enough to know him. He was open, accessible and always ever ready to engage with anyone that was in need of company. Even though he would comment openly in the group conversations, he went beyond the call of acceptable social standards to enter into private chats with all the members being  acutely aware of each one’s interests and their highs and lows they were experiencing at any given time. 

Nalin Nair may not be physically in our midst anymore but he leaves with us a lasting legacy. He demonstrated to us on such a basic level that “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world”. He understood that as human beings, our brains are wired to connect with others so that we feel a sense of belonging and connection to other people.  He realised full well that this experience is what we as humans need to live a happy and fulfilled life. 

In this current climate where we are required to social distance, sadly this has caused many of us to emotionally distance as well. For many who are usually on their own, the Covid-19 pandemic has exacerbated their loneliness. Although there is a notion, that one can still connect digitally on social media, it is not the same as someone reaching out to you in an authentic and meaningful way that Nalin so effortlessly did. 

From our university days we learnt about Maslow’s needs of hierarchy which states that our need for belonging comes a close second after our need for survival is met. So, the need to connect with others is fundamental to us if we are to  live a happy and fulfilled life. This means that we need to engage in meaningful relationships with others by connecting to them. By merely interacting or talking to someone about their interests doesn’t necessarily mean that you are connecting to them. 

True connection with another person means being open and available in the sense that you are empathetic and compassionate to them. It means making the time to listen to them, showing understanding and empathy for what they are telling you and doing this out of the goodness of your heart without expecting anything in return. Making people laugh, having fun nights out by socialising, having some drinks with others and talking about the footy or going out dancing is not really connecting. Even co-habiting with a spouse and going through the motions of marriage is not really connection. Nalin was endowed with a gift of being in the present moment and nurturing a relationship of trust so that you felt and experienced a true connection. What a rare and sorely needed characteristic to make our world a better place. 

We are now living in a time which many are referring to as the “new normal”. Now, more than ever before, we are experiencing “down time”. With this extra time, we seem to think, remember, regret and worry more. There are far too many people who seem much more isolated than before because they are not going about their usual lives. If we are doing okay, we should keep Nalin’s moral legacy alive by reaching  out to people that are less fortunate than us in terms of connection. 

As we take the necessary precautions to look after our physical selves by adhering to the social distance rules, we should pay equal attention to take care of the emotional needs of those that feel alone and isolated. If you know of someone that lives by them self, call them and have a chat, reach out to people that have lost loved ones and share in their grief, offer help with shopping or running errands for those that are elderly,  look out for people that are doing it tough in this trying time and add some cheer to their lives. 

In the workplace, teachers,  be more compassionate  in your interactions with your students; managers,  show some caring to your subordinates, workers, you can take the initiative to enquire about your superiors well-being instead of the other way around, you could check if they are okay too and the general public could be more mindful and exercise more patience to health service workers as well as people in hospitality and retail. 

Make the time and effort to reach out and make a human connection either individually or in a group because it brings so many benefits for all involved: the relationships that we build and nurture gives us the primordial sense of belonging in a partnership that we all crave for, it affords us a sense of identity and we can learn from others’ experiences and insight. And, is this support system with all its feel-good values not therapy itself?

Lastly, you yourself need to surrender and allow other people to reach out to you. Many of us tend to isolate ourselves because we feel unworthy of being loved or we fear the pains of rejection or that we may not be able to fit in with others. In Brene Brown’s TED talk in the Power of Vulnerability, she asks us to not “to bottle up our emotions”, to show the courage to be vulnerable and to “show up, face fear and move forward”. 

In a world of algorithms, hashtags, likes, pokes and follows, Nalin showed us the true meaning of human connection. We will pay him the ultimate tribute if we could carry on with his moral legacy of connecting in an authentic and meaningful way. 

Nalin, you entered our lives like a blazing comet and you sprinkled all that you touched with shooting stars of caring, compassion and the credo of making human connections. We will honour you in little ways so just like you, we will leave this world a better place. 

Till we meet again, Brother.

Let’s say “yes” to saying “no” to today’s Kids

“The more risks you allow your children to take, the better they learn to take care of themselves” 

Roald Dahl

I visited my friend in Brisbane last weekend for a sleepover and she introduced me to a Hindi-language movie on Netflix ( with sub-titles, thankfully) called “Hindi Medium”. It is about a young couple, Raj (played by the late Irfan Khan) and his wife, Mita, who go through extraordinary lengths to get their daughter, Pia, into a  prestigious, private school. It made me think about how times have changed through the generations regarding parenting. In my childhood when children were “seen and not heard” to present times where the parents are virtually wrapped around their kids’ little fingers, the whole landscape of parenting has evolved so drastically. Are school teachers paying the high cost of unruly and ill-mannered  children because of weak parents that pander to their child’s every whim?

You may have heard about the term “helicopter” parent which refers to a parent that is overly protective of their child. These parents will move mountains as they mollycoddle their child by showering them with excessive individual attention to the extent the child feels that he or she is king of the castle. The problems arise, however, when these kids are not treated as royalty in other social situations like the classroom. This leads to aggressive behaviour and “hissy fits” and to make matters worse, teachers cop the blame for not stimulating these “intelligent” children enough. 

Child psychologists say that there is enough evidence to prove that we are doing our children a big disservice by giving in to their every want. Parents who hover around their kids, not only make every decision for them, but also go out of their way to make their lives comfortable by giving them everything they ask for. For the first time in history, today’s parents have failed to pass on the time-honoured baton of authoritative parenting as we know it. Instead, we have become “lawnmower” parents clearing our angels’ paths from any anticipated difficulty so that they have metamorphosed into something akin to “cotton wool” or “bubble wrap” kids. 

All parents want the best for their children but are you guilty of over-parenting? Do you charge to the school at the start of the year and ensure your little Johnny is placed in Ms Super Teacher’s class to be seated next to his friend? Do you get into the car and rush to school to deliver a forgotten lunch, homework or sports gear? Request your child be excused for the assignment deadline because he was stressed with too much other work? Send your own food and drink to a party your child is attending because he/she is a picky eater? Demand that your child get a part in the annual school performance or an award? 

If our children are not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them, how will they be equipped to fit in the real world when the time comes? When things don’t go their own way, they don’t get what they want or to hear the word “no”? In our quest to be the modern parent who is lovingly attuned to their child’s emotional needs, we have allowed the pendulum to swing too far to the other end where we feel if we deny our children anything, we are not showing our parental love. 

My own kids used to think I am a mean mum while they were in school. If they texted me to bring their lunch which they forgot to school, I would type a hasty reply, “Kids in Africa go days without food, you can make it to the afternoon”. When I gave them a time to be in the car before I took off to school or some other outing, I would drive off at the appointed time whether they were in the car or not”. If they asked for a reward if they thought they did good work, they would get the reply, “Mate, in Africa where I come from, doing good work is normal. Why do you need a reward?” Even now they still remember my automatic response when they needed last minute help: “Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine” (Bob Carter). 

One morning my daughter asked me to write a late note for her as I dropped her off at school. I asked her what excuse should I put in to which she replied, “Say we have overseas visitors” which we did have at the time but our house also has four bathrooms so you can understand why I was somewhat perplexed about her not being ready on time. Anyway, I hastily scribbled a note and off she skipped to the admin office to sign in. When she returned home, she was not impressed. “How could write that late note, Mum? You are the meanest mum ever!”. I had written: “Kim is late this morning because she was disorganised. Please do not excuse her tardiness. On the contrary, administer the due disciplinary measures so that this inexcusable behaviour does not recur.”(or something to that effect).  It ended off well for Kim, though, because the receptionist said she will waive the detention as  the reason was honest. 

Being an educator for the past 35 years, I have seen first-hand the damage that is caused to children whose parents handle them with kid gloves. I think it is about time we said “yes” to saying “no” so that we raise children who will take their rightful places in society as responsible adults of tomorrow. 

 Kids need to feel and to learn to deal with discomfort so it doesn’t come as a shock to them in adulthood when things are bound to not go their way. Children need to learn about “delayed gratification” - if they want something like a bike or a mobile phone, they need to wait. We need to support their development to work and earn what they desire. If we give them instantly what they want, then we run the risk of raising entitled individuals. You can’t be a parent and a friend at the same time - kids need to know that the parent is in charge and who set boundaries which means saying “no” every now and then. There’s no evidence to suggest that your child will love you less if you don’t give in to their requests. 

Our children are our reasons for living. It is also our moral obligation to love and nurture them to be the best versions of ourselves. However, in doing so we must not err on the side of over-indulgence where we give them too much of individual time and expensive, material possessions, waiting on them hand and foot without allowing them to work on life skills that will prepare them for their adult lives or being very lenient about discipline where they are not accountable for their own choices in behaviour. 

My 25-year old son who lives in Sydney called me up not too long ago and thanked me for being a tough mum and instilling old-fashioned values. I replied, “Really?”. He affirmed it was as he found it distressing to see how youngsters handle freedom when they move out and are on their own and how they go overboard with their risqué behaviour: partying, driving too fast, abusing alcohol and drugs, having promiscuous relationships and generally behaving irresponsibly to fit in with their delinquent friends. This is sadly the consequence of parents not allowing their kids to take risks as children so they are not capable of making responsible decisions as adults. 

While “helicopter” parents’ may have good intentions, they don’t understand that their approach is not the best for their kids over the longer term to prepare them to stand on their own feet when the time comes.

Instead of hovering with oscillating rotors whirring dangerously close to their children’s heads, it would be worth the while for “ helicopter” parents to instead arm their children with parachutes of life- and decision making skills so they can jump safely when the situation requires it.