Family First

“Healing happens when individual hearts combine forces to beat as one at the centre of a family.”

After three years or so, “da Naidooz” are together as one family unit. For now, it feels good as we catch up. Ravel, my 22-year old who returned from Canada last week is still in self isolation in our AirBnB unit. So, technically, he is still not in in our midst yet but it feels good to know that he is near us and will join the coop in about 10 days or so. At the moment, it is noisy enough with Kim, my 18 year-old daughter whose university studies are on hold and Vidal, the soon to be 25-year old, who has returned from Sydney, as they bond together “netflixing” on the couch. My physical reserves are being taxed to the hilt with all the cooking I am doing at the moment but I don’t mind. Each of them has different culinary tastes (One mostly meat, one mostly veg and the other prefers salads) and well before being self-employed for the last 15 years, I am guilty of indulging them by cooking three different meals at a time to suit each taste.

We are a close family unit. I suppose it is inevitable when families migrate to a foreign country. In the early days you only have each other for company. You do everything together and endure long periods of self isolation as you get to learn about your new country and its people. We were pretty much on our own when we landed in New New Zealand in October, 1998: two parents who disembarked with a 3-year old and a one year-old on each parent’s hip and four large suitcases. For at least four months we only had each other’s company before we settled into our teaching jobs and daycare. It sort of feels the same now as we huddle together and social distance from the rest of the world as we each try collectively to “flatten the curve”.

I truly believe that one of the things that has made our family unit so strong is because of the resilience we had to endure as we grappled with the challenges of adapting to our new, adopted country. Two countries, in our case, as we left New Zealand in January 2005 to relocate to the Gold Coast, Australia. Moving from one geographical location to another brings with it a whole set of challenges as you try to navigate through a new culture, customs and conventions. But like they say, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I am forever grateful and feel awfully blessed to be part of an immigrant family as I truly believe that it gave my family the resilience that is needed to cope should life throw you a curveball. Like now. 

What we are experiencing right now by isolating ourselves inside our homes, is probably not what we would have chosen to do in normal circumstances. However, since we have no other choice, we should use the opportunity to build family resilience which is the ability to bounce back after a catastrophe much like the Corona virus. Rather than viewing this whole period of being confined into our own homes as a prison sentence, we should rather welcome this opportunity to turn adversity as a catalyst for the family’s growth. What this simply means is that we should enrich relationships within our family and nurture them to become more skilled at coping with future stresses in life that will inevitably come our way.

Family resilience doesn’t come with in-built traits that you are born with like your physical attributes, your intelligence(or lack thereof) or your personality. It is rather our interactions and support that we give each other that counts. Research done shows that people who go through hard times share a stronger bond with each other like soldiers in war, SES services working through natural disasters or families dealing with problems like divorce, poverty or heartache. There are huge possibilities in building resilience during the lock-down period with a helping hand here, a supportive word or two there or shared activities. We should use this wonderful window of opportunity to become stronger together. 

We have to practise that “the sum is greater than the whole”. These are not ordinary times so mum should not be slaving in the kitchen while the rest of the family fatten their gluteus maximi while binge-watching on Netflix, Stan or Apple TV. Everyone should do their fair share and if they haven’t been doing all along, maybe now is the perfect time to start sharing household chores. Since my sons left home, their constant regret is that they wished they learnt to cook from their mum. So, in our efforts of establishing an espirit de corps in our family, I am going to teach them to cook some simple, home-cooked meals. These cooking lessons will serve them well not only now as I take some reprieve from the kitchen but also when they make their own way out in the world , they will still have the luxury of tasting home-cooked meals. 

Communicating with each in normal circumstances is essential but becomes ever so important in times of adversity. In my own family, sometimes I wish I didn’t teach them since they were knee-high to talk about their hopes, fears, dreams and everyday thoughts. I remember envying my friends who shared with me that they barely talked or saw their kids when they became teenagers as each one self-isolated in their own room with their electronic devices. I created a rod for my own back by insisting that we have only one television in the home and all homework to be done in the living area and all electronic devices to be left out of their bedrooms by 9 pm. My family talks - all the time. As I prepared meals, all three of them   would seat themselves around the kitchen counter each one trying to present their happenings of the day. Sometimes, when my brains were a tad tired after work at the end of the day, I would suggest to my sons to please spare me the long version but they wouldn’t listen. (No mum, the short version is not the same). When other youngsters were interested in electronic games, we enjoyed playing board games. With just one television at home in the lounge room, we had to compromise as a family and watch shows together. Even now, my assistant puts calls through me at any time of the business day as I listen to them share their stories from other parts of the globe. So for us, now, it pretty much feels as normal as it is back to the good, old days. However, if your family does not communicate much, maybe now would be a good time to bring them together for short periods of time  to practise family time. You could watch a tv show together, play a popular board game, cook, garden, exercise or best of all do storytelling where each one can share stories about their lives, past or present. 

When this time in history passes on, as it will, statistics about international death rates, government restrictions, the actual constitution of the Corona virus or by how many points the economy tumbled, will be faded memories. What will remain etched in every individual’s minds is how people made them feel. At the end of this lock down period, however long it stretches to, everyone, especially our children,  will remember this experience as a positive or negative one. With our family members, we often take them for granted - sometimes we allow our masks that we put on for the outside to fall when I side our homes as we show our nasty side by becoming impatient, frustrated and short-tempered with the ones that are most near and dear to us. While this inappropriate and unpleasant side of us can probably be excused when we are leading a hurried and hectic schedule, there is enough time now to exercise patience, respect and good manners in the close confines of our homes. When this whole pandemic episode is over, let our families remember that the time of the virus was the best time of their lives as they reconnected and strengthened blood ties. 

Without any warning, man has been brought down to his knees. Nature has finally flipped her lid that was holding back her seething and festering anger.  We are being stripped of our sense of normality: jobs, lifestyle, schedules, routines and peace of mind. However, everything can be taken away but if are left with one structure that remains standing and held together by love that is called family, we will overcome this plague of the virus. So, admittedly, this vile ‘thing’ has indeed changed our lives as we know it but the love we have for family will keep us together forever. 

Have a fabulous week and remember, folks, to put family first in these trying times.