“When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death—ourselves.” ~ Eda LeShan
With the current health pandemic, we have been introduced to new phrases like “social distancing”, “self isolation”, “quarantine” and “lockdown” which many view negatively as it cuts us off the wider society and restricts our free movement. I don’t blame people for sharing this view because throughout history, being alone or separated from others have been given a bad rap. For instance, when we are barely knee high we are made to stand alone in the corner when we misbehave, when we chat in class, we are removed to one side to sit alone, when prisoners don’t toe the line,they are punished with solitary confinement. In movies, the bad guy is usually a hermit or a social outcast like a vampire and even in fairytales, the troll, the giant, the wolf all live alone and are the villains. So, we grow up with this belief that being alone has a negative stigma and therefore all is not well when one operates as a lone wolf.
On the other side of the coin, a sense of community and team spirit has always been lauded as a good thing. If you are surrounded by friends, it means you are well-adjusted and happy. As a teacher at school, I did my bit of introducing a buddy to each new kid in my form class. If you married at an eligible age then you have succeeded in making your parents proud. If kids belong to cliques at school, they are seen as normal while the “loners” are pitied. We commiserate silently with individuals who watch a movie, dine or travel alone. We wonder what’s wrong with them for not sharing their social activities with a companion. I take my hat out for single people, especially women, who have the courage to remain uncoupled instead of bowing down to society’s pressure to settle for second or third best.
However, there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. While loneliness causes pain brought about by isolation and alienation, solitude is a choice one deliberately makes of being alone with oneself. Loneliness is known to cause sadness and even depression, while solitude represents freedom and joy. In today’s world we seem to be connected with others in almost every waking moment.
From the moment we arise and “Like” social media posts or acknowledge WhatsApp messages with the appropriate emojis, playing the music in the shower, listening to podcasts while running or exercising, watching the news on TV while scoffing down breakfast, turning on the radio on your way to work, to interacting almost 8 hours with your work colleagues and the added communication via emails, text messages, phone calls (FaceTime or otherwise), video conference meetings or watching YouTube, or bingeing on TV reality shows or Netflix movies or serials when we return home at the end of the day, we seem to be constantly connected.
I am a self-confessed introvert and a creative and I treasure my times of solitude. I usually get up at 5 am ( or sunrise whichever is earlier) and have a full 3 or 4 hours to myself before the rest of the family gets up. It is my favourite time of the day as I try to remain unplugged for most of this time as I potter about in my garden, paint, cook or write. The unparalleled joy of being one with myself allows me the quiet time to reflect, create and evaluate. In these moments with just me, myself and I, I visualise, take risks, contemplate on business decisions and try new things. I am a secondary thinker - I hardly ever flip my handle when someone gets my goat (my daughter constantly accuses me of clamming up when there’s confrontation as she feels robbed of a healthy yelling match). I prefer to save my reaction for later and during this quiet time, I mull over various angles as I critically weigh viewpoints and contemplate on my response. I always feel confident that when I eventually have my say, it is objective, rational and fair. Often we are swayed with the thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs of people in our immediate circle but there is something fundamentally refreshing about having clarity and making up your own mind. This is only possible when you take off your social mask.
As evidenced in mass media, many couples borrow Jerry Maguire’s quote “you complete me” in a romantic moment. This line never sat well with me because essentially what it suggests is that you are not a whole person and that you need a significant other to complement you so that you feel whole. No wonder there are so many separations or divorces because people depend on others for their happiness. Or couples breaking up after 20 - 25 years of marriage - when their kids fly the nest, they cannot live with each other anymore because they lived their whole lives for their offsprings. I believe strongly that you need alone time to get to know and love yourself and once you have a healthy relationship with yourself, your relationships with others become much richer and more productive.
Most leading minds have championed the benefits of solitude which has undoubtedly led them to be the movers and shakers of the world. Almost all of them needed the freedom to be on their own as they invented, painted, composed, wrote or philosophised. Thomas Edison, arguably the greatest inventor of all times said “The best thinking has been done in solitude”, the famous Spanish painter and sculptor , Pablo Picasso, cried “Without great solitude no serious work is possible”, and inventor, engineer and futurist, Nikola Tesla said unabashedly, “The mind is sharper and keener in seclusion and uninterrupted solitude. Originality thrives in seclusion free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind. Be alone—that is the secret of invention: be alone, that is when ideas are born.”
Instead of bemoaning this period of social distancing, use it as a catalyst to steal quiet moments for yourself. Embrace this opportunity to retreat from the proverbial rat race as you surf solo to get to know yourself. Being alone can be confronting to those that need to be constantly in the company of others because we humans are essentially wired to be social beings. But, like all things, it gets easier. Start with small steps like turning off the radio while travelling, going for a short walk, working in your garden, doing yoga on your own, reading a scripture or just closing your eyes and being alone with your thoughts. You have to be intentional about solitary reflection - you got to schedule in the time until it becomes a habit.
To embrace the concept of solitude, you don’t need to live the life of a monk in the Himalayas or seclude yourself like a hermit in a hut in the deep forest. It simply means carving into your present, hectic life a little bit of alone time so that you find some solace in solitude to get to know yourself.
In closing, I borrow the immortal words of American writer and naturalist, Joseph Wood Krutch, who said “To have passed through life and never experienced solitude is to have never known oneself. To have never known oneself is to have never known anyone.” ~ ‘The Desert Year’
Stay safe, folks.
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