When Mother’s Day Hurts

“Sometimes God's blessings are not in what he gives, but in what he takes away. He knows best. Trust Him.”   Sione Malakai Katoa.

The month of May has arrived and with it comes one of the most celebrated days of the calendar. Yes, the second Sunday which heralds another M-word - Mother’s Day. Even before this day of celebration makes its appearance, we are reminded about it weeks before through television advertisements, shop window displays, social media posts and specially set-up supermarket aisles. The floral arrangements, perfume packs, fine jewellery and beautifully packaged confectionary put forward as possible presents all paint a fuzzy, wholesome picture of happiness and good cheer. It is a day that most mums look forward to: warm embraces, thoughtful gifts, heartfelt gratitude and great rejoicing. Yet, alas, for many, it is a day of dread - a day, they wish that they could creep deeper under the bed coverings until this day has passed. 

For many women, Mother’s Day hurts. It is a day that is a stark reminder of what never was, a day that harks a broken relationship, a timely reminder of a mistake made, a celebration when loneliness reaches new heights or the savage blow to the heart that the empty chair at the table sets off. When this day finally makes it mark on the 9th of May in the Southern Hemisphere, I can’t promise you flowers, nor that much awaited call, neither the company you long for or even the reunion you hope for, but I am told I am good with words so this is a personal letter of love to you. It is just to say that if you are struggling on this Mother’s Day, you are not alone and to please give yourself permission to cry, to grieve, to long for or to just plain hurt. 

To the mum who has lost a child through a miscarriage, stillbirth, an accident, through sickness or suicide, my heart bleeds for you. No more burnt toast, weak tea or handmade cards to put that smile on your dial for breakfast on that special day.  While I may acknowledge how utterly heart-broken you are and how hollow and empty you feel with the loss of your beloved baby, I can never know the devastating pain of a mum who can no more hug the child she birthed. Understand that the grief you endure is the terrible tax you pay as a mother who loves so much. 

To the woman who doesn’t have the tag of mum just yet, I know you feel forsaken and wonder why you can’t be blessed with children that comes so easily to other families. You soldier on through years of infertility trying to avoid pitiful, sideward glances that seem to imply some physical defect or sigh in frustration after yet another failed attempt at IVF. It must be quite painful watching other pregnant women, or parents playing with children in the parks or playgrounds or even mothers complaining on social media platforms about how hard it is to parent. Just know that you are loved and you are amazing just the way you are because you don’t need the label of a mother to prove your awesomeness. 

To the step-mum who occupies the same role as the natural mum but who hasn’t actually given birth, I get it that you don’t get the recognition or any other perks that the biological mums are entitled to. You do the laundry, dish out the dinners, drive the kids to school, help with their homework and put up with their manic moods and yet when the pastor asks for the mothers to stand up in church on Mother’s Day to receive their complimentary flowers or chocolates, you remain seated. It must be really tough dealing with the stress, financial burden and all the hard work of being a mum but yet not to be acknowledged or appreciated in the same way. This day is for you too. If you are mothering kids, that makes you unequivocally, indisputably and unmistakenly a hundred percent mother!

To the daughter or daughter-in-law who does not have the traditional mother relationship as described by the Hallmark cards: a mother who is loving, caring and gives off unconditional love. You feel robbed because you do not have the empathy, nurturing and compassion that is the cornerstone of the cultural standard of a mother. As a society, we are conditioned to put mothers on a heroic pedestal which makes it difficult to voice our criticism of mothers who can be hurtful, unloving or narcissistic. May I include here children who experienced a second abandonment when their birth mothers didn’t see the need to restore ties with their children who they gave up for adoption.  So without rocking the boat of time-held, internalised cultural standards or going against the warm, saintly image of the mum painted in Hallmark cards, live your truth. Do what your internal value system tells you to instead of what is dictated by commercial Mother’s Day cards culture, tradition, or family expectations.

To the person who relinquished her right as mother through giving up her baby for adoption or abortion. Sometimes we make choices that we regret. We wish we could have handled situations another way so that the guilt and the regret does not haunt us so much on a day that is set aside to celebrate motherhood. Forgive yourself for the one above has already done that. Stop condemning yourself for you did then what you thought best. Moving forward you still have the opportunity to bring a little light to so many kids that could do with some much needed mothering in a myriad of ways. 

To those whose mums have passed away, Mother’s Day can be an especially dark day. An entire lifetime of nurturing and pure, unadulterated love snuffed out. And inasmuch as the beautiful memories can be revisited mentally, there’s still this stabbing pain that comes when you realise you can’t pick up the phone and make that call on Mother’s Day and say “I love you” one more time. May you find in your sadness that although your heart feels like it has been crushed into a million pieces, it still works. 

For those mothers whose children have severed ties with them, I can’t imagine anything more heart breaking knowing that there is a child still somewhere in this world but who for whatever reason has disowned the mother-child relationship. While you sit alone on the mother of all days on the calendar and wonder for the umpteenth time how you could have handled the situation differently, please know that in spite of doing everything right, things can still go wrong. Children do not come with guarantees or warranties for that matter. Resist the urge to feel any trace of anger, guilt or regret today. Just cherish the memories you were lucky to have and cry if you have to. 

To the real life mum who does an amazing job as a mother but feels she’s not given the appreciation she deserves. From dawn to dusk she slaves away silently doing the best for her kids so the blimps and bumps they do experience in life are the teeniest ones. You feel you give and give and give and look forward to a small card, a tiny bunch of flowers or even a short call or a loving wish of gratitude but nothing comes. I am sorry that this day hurts for you because you are not accorded the respect and appreciation you so rightly deserve. I honour and salute you for the special mum you are and thank you for all those days that you kept on being the best mum you could be on the great days, the normal days and even on the hard days. As mums, we have an in-built love that is unconditional no matter how crappy how kids behave that keeps us fighting and moving forward to be the best mum we can be. We have an instinctive and natural hope that springs eternal to move on to the next day and the next thing and to see the beauty in life’s imperfections. 

Lastly, because of the strange times we find ourselves in 2020 and the social distancing restrictions in place, you may have a situation where your families can’t come together as usual to celebrate a special Mother’s Day. Just remember that receiving chocolates and flowers or other beautifully wrapped gifts and celebrating with your children or mothers  on May 9th is lovely but so is May 10th, May 11th, May 12th or for that matter any other day of the year. Hopefully, this health crisis nonsense can clear out before the next Mother’s Day comes around so you can celebrate in person with those near and dear to you. 

So for those who will be hurting on this Mother’s Day, you are not alone. I know I speak on behalf of many who would wish that your pain could melt away on this day sacred to mothers. I pray that God gives you the strength to come to some healing. Give yourself permission to be sad, to unleash feelings of frustration, anger and regret by writing a letter and then burning it, to cry bucketloads, ask forgiveness for the things you can’t change and above all show gratitude for each new day that breaks that you are alive and whole. Above all, remember that you are God’s unique creation and that you are not alone on this special day. You are loved more than you know. 

I send you this personal love letter from my heart, I have folded it with compassion, placed it in an envelope of empathy and addressed it with encouragement and sealed it with a stamp of hope and reconciliation. Hope your Mather’s Day this coming Sunday is a pleasant one not in spite of but because of the pain you are going through. 

#mothersday #motherswhohurtonmothersday #whenmothersdayhurts