Social Distancing doesn’t mean Emotional Distancing

“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other”.   

SE Hall

Last week a shining, dazzling  light was snuffed out from our  Montarena High ex-students chat group when we lost a valued member. When I got up last Tuesday morning I was greeted by the news that he suffered a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. Before I could recover from this shocking news, there was an update barely minutes later that he had passed on. There is an aching void in the social group that is so tangible with its ear deafening silence. You could count on him to not only initiate interesting, philosophical conversations or dish out helpful and healthy advice but he also walked  the extra mile to personally respond to each one’s post with supportive comments in private chats.  For me personally, there is a deep sense of loss too as we had engaged in private discourses about well-being, creative writing and spirituality  almost every day. Although I knew him from our school days as the brother of another student that was in my cohort, I never really spoke or got to know him until a few months ago when I became active in this particular chat group. 

When someone passes on and you are called upon to remember them in a public forum, it usually requires the expertise of that akin to an accomplished plastic surgeon. With their adroit and nimble skills, this specialist physician goes to work armed with their sharp scalpel deftly cutting out the unsavoury bits of the deceased’s mortal existence and then succeeding to primp, buff and implant it with platitudes that is more in keeping with societal expectations . The end result of this sanitising and cosmetic procedure is attractive and appealing to all. As it should be. Just like there is no such thing as an ugly baby, you wouldn’t dare speak ill of the dearly departed. It is just not the done thing as it rubs our sensibilities the wrong way.

However, in the case of this beautiful soul who has  gone too soon, there is no need for a nip and tuck to eulogise the way he touched all that were fortunate enough to know him. He was open, accessible and always ever ready to engage with anyone that was in need of company. Even though he would comment openly in the group conversations, he went beyond the call of acceptable social standards to enter into private chats with all the members being  acutely aware of each one’s interests and their highs and lows they were experiencing at any given time. 

Nalin Nair may not be physically in our midst anymore but he leaves with us a lasting legacy. He demonstrated to us on such a basic level that “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world”. He understood that as human beings, our brains are wired to connect with others so that we feel a sense of belonging and connection to other people.  He realised full well that this experience is what we as humans need to live a happy and fulfilled life. 

In this current climate where we are required to social distance, sadly this has caused many of us to emotionally distance as well. For many who are usually on their own, the Covid-19 pandemic has exacerbated their loneliness. Although there is a notion, that one can still connect digitally on social media, it is not the same as someone reaching out to you in an authentic and meaningful way that Nalin so effortlessly did. 

From our university days we learnt about Maslow’s needs of hierarchy which states that our need for belonging comes a close second after our need for survival is met. So, the need to connect with others is fundamental to us if we are to  live a happy and fulfilled life. This means that we need to engage in meaningful relationships with others by connecting to them. By merely interacting or talking to someone about their interests doesn’t necessarily mean that you are connecting to them. 

True connection with another person means being open and available in the sense that you are empathetic and compassionate to them. It means making the time to listen to them, showing understanding and empathy for what they are telling you and doing this out of the goodness of your heart without expecting anything in return. Making people laugh, having fun nights out by socialising, having some drinks with others and talking about the footy or going out dancing is not really connecting. Even co-habiting with a spouse and going through the motions of marriage is not really connection. Nalin was endowed with a gift of being in the present moment and nurturing a relationship of trust so that you felt and experienced a true connection. What a rare and sorely needed characteristic to make our world a better place. 

We are now living in a time which many are referring to as the “new normal”. Now, more than ever before, we are experiencing “down time”. With this extra time, we seem to think, remember, regret and worry more. There are far too many people who seem much more isolated than before because they are not going about their usual lives. If we are doing okay, we should keep Nalin’s moral legacy alive by reaching  out to people that are less fortunate than us in terms of connection. 

As we take the necessary precautions to look after our physical selves by adhering to the social distance rules, we should pay equal attention to take care of the emotional needs of those that feel alone and isolated. If you know of someone that lives by them self, call them and have a chat, reach out to people that have lost loved ones and share in their grief, offer help with shopping or running errands for those that are elderly,  look out for people that are doing it tough in this trying time and add some cheer to their lives. 

In the workplace, teachers,  be more compassionate  in your interactions with your students; managers,  show some caring to your subordinates, workers, you can take the initiative to enquire about your superiors well-being instead of the other way around, you could check if they are okay too and the general public could be more mindful and exercise more patience to health service workers as well as people in hospitality and retail. 

Make the time and effort to reach out and make a human connection either individually or in a group because it brings so many benefits for all involved: the relationships that we build and nurture gives us the primordial sense of belonging in a partnership that we all crave for, it affords us a sense of identity and we can learn from others’ experiences and insight. And, is this support system with all its feel-good values not therapy itself?

Lastly, you yourself need to surrender and allow other people to reach out to you. Many of us tend to isolate ourselves because we feel unworthy of being loved or we fear the pains of rejection or that we may not be able to fit in with others. In Brene Brown’s TED talk in the Power of Vulnerability, she asks us to not “to bottle up our emotions”, to show the courage to be vulnerable and to “show up, face fear and move forward”. 

In a world of algorithms, hashtags, likes, pokes and follows, Nalin showed us the true meaning of human connection. We will pay him the ultimate tribute if we could carry on with his moral legacy of connecting in an authentic and meaningful way. 

Nalin, you entered our lives like a blazing comet and you sprinkled all that you touched with shooting stars of caring, compassion and the credo of making human connections. We will honour you in little ways so just like you, we will leave this world a better place. 

Till we meet again, Brother.

Let’s say “yes” to saying “no” to today’s Kids

“The more risks you allow your children to take, the better they learn to take care of themselves” 

Roald Dahl

I visited my friend in Brisbane last weekend for a sleepover and she introduced me to a Hindi-language movie on Netflix ( with sub-titles, thankfully) called “Hindi Medium”. It is about a young couple, Raj (played by the late Irfan Khan) and his wife, Mita, who go through extraordinary lengths to get their daughter, Pia, into a  prestigious, private school. It made me think about how times have changed through the generations regarding parenting. In my childhood when children were “seen and not heard” to present times where the parents are virtually wrapped around their kids’ little fingers, the whole landscape of parenting has evolved so drastically. Are school teachers paying the high cost of unruly and ill-mannered  children because of weak parents that pander to their child’s every whim?

You may have heard about the term “helicopter” parent which refers to a parent that is overly protective of their child. These parents will move mountains as they mollycoddle their child by showering them with excessive individual attention to the extent the child feels that he or she is king of the castle. The problems arise, however, when these kids are not treated as royalty in other social situations like the classroom. This leads to aggressive behaviour and “hissy fits” and to make matters worse, teachers cop the blame for not stimulating these “intelligent” children enough. 

Child psychologists say that there is enough evidence to prove that we are doing our children a big disservice by giving in to their every want. Parents who hover around their kids, not only make every decision for them, but also go out of their way to make their lives comfortable by giving them everything they ask for. For the first time in history, today’s parents have failed to pass on the time-honoured baton of authoritative parenting as we know it. Instead, we have become “lawnmower” parents clearing our angels’ paths from any anticipated difficulty so that they have metamorphosed into something akin to “cotton wool” or “bubble wrap” kids. 

All parents want the best for their children but are you guilty of over-parenting? Do you charge to the school at the start of the year and ensure your little Johnny is placed in Ms Super Teacher’s class to be seated next to his friend? Do you get into the car and rush to school to deliver a forgotten lunch, homework or sports gear? Request your child be excused for the assignment deadline because he was stressed with too much other work? Send your own food and drink to a party your child is attending because he/she is a picky eater? Demand that your child get a part in the annual school performance or an award? 

If our children are not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them, how will they be equipped to fit in the real world when the time comes? When things don’t go their own way, they don’t get what they want or to hear the word “no”? In our quest to be the modern parent who is lovingly attuned to their child’s emotional needs, we have allowed the pendulum to swing too far to the other end where we feel if we deny our children anything, we are not showing our parental love. 

My own kids used to think I am a mean mum while they were in school. If they texted me to bring their lunch which they forgot to school, I would type a hasty reply, “Kids in Africa go days without food, you can make it to the afternoon”. When I gave them a time to be in the car before I took off to school or some other outing, I would drive off at the appointed time whether they were in the car or not”. If they asked for a reward if they thought they did good work, they would get the reply, “Mate, in Africa where I come from, doing good work is normal. Why do you need a reward?” Even now they still remember my automatic response when they needed last minute help: “Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine” (Bob Carter). 

One morning my daughter asked me to write a late note for her as I dropped her off at school. I asked her what excuse should I put in to which she replied, “Say we have overseas visitors” which we did have at the time but our house also has four bathrooms so you can understand why I was somewhat perplexed about her not being ready on time. Anyway, I hastily scribbled a note and off she skipped to the admin office to sign in. When she returned home, she was not impressed. “How could write that late note, Mum? You are the meanest mum ever!”. I had written: “Kim is late this morning because she was disorganised. Please do not excuse her tardiness. On the contrary, administer the due disciplinary measures so that this inexcusable behaviour does not recur.”(or something to that effect).  It ended off well for Kim, though, because the receptionist said she will waive the detention as  the reason was honest. 

Being an educator for the past 35 years, I have seen first-hand the damage that is caused to children whose parents handle them with kid gloves. I think it is about time we said “yes” to saying “no” so that we raise children who will take their rightful places in society as responsible adults of tomorrow. 

 Kids need to feel and to learn to deal with discomfort so it doesn’t come as a shock to them in adulthood when things are bound to not go their way. Children need to learn about “delayed gratification” - if they want something like a bike or a mobile phone, they need to wait. We need to support their development to work and earn what they desire. If we give them instantly what they want, then we run the risk of raising entitled individuals. You can’t be a parent and a friend at the same time - kids need to know that the parent is in charge and who set boundaries which means saying “no” every now and then. There’s no evidence to suggest that your child will love you less if you don’t give in to their requests. 

Our children are our reasons for living. It is also our moral obligation to love and nurture them to be the best versions of ourselves. However, in doing so we must not err on the side of over-indulgence where we give them too much of individual time and expensive, material possessions, waiting on them hand and foot without allowing them to work on life skills that will prepare them for their adult lives or being very lenient about discipline where they are not accountable for their own choices in behaviour. 

My 25-year old son who lives in Sydney called me up not too long ago and thanked me for being a tough mum and instilling old-fashioned values. I replied, “Really?”. He affirmed it was as he found it distressing to see how youngsters handle freedom when they move out and are on their own and how they go overboard with their risqué behaviour: partying, driving too fast, abusing alcohol and drugs, having promiscuous relationships and generally behaving irresponsibly to fit in with their delinquent friends. This is sadly the consequence of parents not allowing their kids to take risks as children so they are not capable of making responsible decisions as adults. 

While “helicopter” parents’ may have good intentions, they don’t understand that their approach is not the best for their kids over the longer term to prepare them to stand on their own feet when the time comes.

Instead of hovering with oscillating rotors whirring dangerously close to their children’s heads, it would be worth the while for “ helicopter” parents to instead arm their children with parachutes of life- and decision making skills so they can jump safely when the situation requires it. 

Knitting is the best form of Mindful Meditation

In the rhythm of the needles, there’s music for the soul

Since the Covid-19 virus introduced the lockdown in March, I took out my knitting needles (which I last used about 20 years ago) to busy myself  in the “down” time. Like me, my daughter has migrated from synthetic to fully organic cotton and pure wool clothing which gave me the perfect excuse to knit a 100 % wool sweater for her. I have knitted three for her already during the social distancing time and just completed this mustard, cable knit in a gorgeous New Zealand Shetland pure lambswool yarn yesterday (see photo). 

I am so glad to be clicking my needles again because apart from producing a beautiful woollen creation from two bamboo sticks and some yarn, knitting takes me to my happy place. I am an introvert by nature (not in the quiet, shy sense but more like preferring my own company)The repetitive motions of knitting  centres you like meditation does. While repeating the same pattern over and over, you stop thinking about other things and you’re brought right into the present moment - a peaceful state of mindfulness where you are not pre-occupied about the past nor fretting about the future. 

Like the monotonous metronome which swings to and fro, the rhythmic,repetition of the knitting stitches which a member from one of my knitting groups so aptly described as “stab, strangle, scoop and throw”, helps to calm the breathing and lowers the heart rate by doing the same stitch over and over again. One can say it is similar to effecting the yoga asanas(poses) time and time again. This tactile craft forces me to be present there in the moment and to pay full attention. It’s humble and repetitive, challenging and meditative. While yoga is known to have restorative powers, the act of knitting does too but goes one better by producing a tangible work of art at the end. 

It is said that Albert Einstein knitted to clear his mind and Ryan Gosling, the movie star revealed that his perfect day would include yarn and knitting needles. He learnt to knit from a room full of old ladies who taught him the craft while he was filming the movie, “Lars and the Real Girl”. Kaffe Fassett, the American born textile designer who is world renowned for his colourful knitted designs, thinks that knitting is “the most therapeutic thing in the world”.  Other famous celebrities that knit all the time are silver screen actresses, Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep, queen in waiting, Kate Middleton and actor David Arquette and many more. 

When you really think about it, knitting is akin to a modern day miracle. For those of you that are not yet into this captivating textile art form, did you know that all knitting is made up of just two stitches, plain and purl? Can anything be more simple than that? The jaw-dropping Aran jumper with its labyrinth of cables, the sheer, silky gossamer shawl, the colourful, Intarsia work cardigan, the intricate colour work of the Fair Isle sweater, the pretty lacework of a summer singlet, the stitch sampler of a bed throw or just the humble socks, scarves and hats are made up of just two stitches: a plain stitch that is done through the back of the needle and a purl stitch whose loop is made by bringing the needle in front. From these two basic stitches, a whole array of knitted masterpieces are designed and created. Mind boggling, isn’t it?

At the alternative Waldorf School based on the philosophies of Rudolf Steiner, first graders learn to knit before they learn to read. Steiner favoured handiwork because it “introduces the world of mechanism and brings movement, while on the other [hand] it trains in the power of attention.” Knitting helps the brain create neural pathways that connect what the eyes see and what the hands feel. Therefore, essential skills like hand-eye co-ordination, fine motor skills, visual discrimination, sensory perception and spatial awareness are all practised in a fun way through a pair of sticks and pretty string.

While knitting can become quite addictive, the irony is that it has enjoyed such transformative benefits by getting rid of other destructive addictions. In Australia, there’s a Knit to Quit group for smokers, I read an article about a psychologist using knitting with a group of women suffering from eating disorders and another of a counsellor using knitting with inmates to reduce feelings of anger, depression and frustration. There is a large body of research that shows that knitting regularly, keeps dementia at bay. Also, keeping the fingers moving with knitting is great for maintaining mobility for those suffering from arthritis. Knitting, because of it’s binary nature, is all about counting, multiplying, measuring, and patterning, which are great for all math and coding skills.

Today, like in the ancient times, knitting is a social activity and creates a sense of community. There are thousands of knitting pages, groups, podcasts or blogs that you can interact with. One knitting page that I follow is called Knitting Bartender and is run by a talented, American knitter called Keenan Goldsmith. He is a big, burly hunk of a man who mesmerises his followers with the most complicated cable patterned sweaters and his enthusiasm for knitting is so infectious. 

Unlike grandma who sat inside her home and knitted on her own, nowadays you can get so much of help, hints, advice, tips and tricks from like-minded people who make the most amazing knitted creations one stitch and one row at a time. It doesn’t matter what your skill level is, YouTube is bursting with tutorials to teach you how to knit anything from the simplest scarves to the most complex cardigan. A popular podcast on Youtube called The Grocery Girls, hosted by two Canadian sisters, Tracie and Jodie, share their passion for knitting and fibre and are a delight to listen to as they discuss various topics that interests knitters. The pandemic has been instrumental in jettisoning this craft which goes back to the 5th century where it first originated in the Middle East to new heights in popularity with sales going through the roof in yarn, needles, patterns, knitting accessories and knitting kits. 

I usually have two knitting projects on the go at any one time: a simple pattern where I can knit mechanically without really focussing on my work like when I am watching the footy, tennis, cricket, Netflix or talking to a friend on the phone. The other piece of work could be a complex design where I need to be highly focussed on the task at hand which involves counting stitches like in cable work. In both instances, however, my mind is free from stress and in an harmonious state of flow where nothing else matters. Knit one, purl one, breathe in, breathe out, stitch by stitch like counting on a rosary bead or a mala and at the end there’s a beautiful creation that bears the stamp of your sense of accomplishment and creativity. 

Knitting, the modern day yoga, is an activity that stills the mind and destresses the body. So, if you’re stressed, fighting an addiction, looking for a way to connect with other people, or make someone’s day by gifting them your knitted creation, what are you waiting for? Learn to knit! You will discover the therapeutic benefits of knitting - because the fact is, “Beautiful things come together, one stitch at a time” while at the same time leading you to a place of love, quiet and peace. 

So, quit knit-picking and become part of a tight-knit group; I assure you, you will be hooked in no time. 

Have a fabulous week, Folks!

Real Heroes don’t wear Capes

“I think a hero is any person really intent on making this a better place for all people.”

Maya Angelou

While scrolling through my Facebook feed on my phone last Saturday night, Fatima Sydow’s cooking video popped up with her Cape Malay recipe for Soesys Bredie (Sausage Stew). Ah, a great idea for Sunday lunch, I thought, so I settled in and watched Fatima, the inspirational home cook whom I have been following lately, show me how it’s done. 

Fatima’s cooking videos are a far cry from the other professionally set up ones that have become popular: the ones with well-known celebrity chefs in well-lighted, state of the art kitchens with latest in colour, co-ordinated gadgetry and utensils and all the fine ingredients neatly measured, prepped and laid out in mini, cute, glass bowls. No, Fatima just uses a no-filter, amateur, video camera propped up above her stove cooktop and she literally just throws stuff into the sizzling pot from her plastic bowls or whatever as she talks and chuckles mischievously. With the absence of industry standard production techniques, the cooking experience is scaled down and so much more humbling and heartfelt - it is like you are right there in your favourite aunty’s kitchen.  It cuts back cooking to basics and for those that are still intimated and lacking in cooking skills, it gives you a sense that you can hack this too because everything is so simple and non-fiddly using familiar ingredients. 

In her Cape Malay accent, the lady who hails from the Mannenberg, Cape Flats district, attests to the simplicity of her cooking style: ”You know any good recipe is determined by what you have in your pantry, what you have in your fridge and what you can afford at that time and what’s available in your region. It will still taste lekker.”  I feel relaxed and nostalgic and get so much of joy while I watch Fatima cooking especially listening to the rustic, Cape Town accent: “That is going to fry until it’s DORK, DORK, DORK brown and we will be right back.”

I was looking for inspiration to shine the light on a phenomenal woman for my motivational piece this week in honour of Women’s Month celebrated in August in South Africa and what a perfect example of a local, honest-to-goodness soul sister bringing so much of joy to her over 45 000 YouTube subscribers, nearly half million Facebook followers, countless readers of her Cape Malay Style recipe books and her television show she hosts with her twin sister, Gajima, called “Kaap, Kerrie en Koeksusters”. She succeeds in changing ordinary people’s lives by using her gift of cooking to make people happy: 

“When I make food, I feel very calm and feel closer to the people who taught me to make it. So I hope I give the same energy to others to enjoy this whole process of cooking”. You sure do, Fatima, and thank you too to your late mother, Wasiela, who inspired you and your sister in her District 6 kitchen to be the awesome cook you are. 

What adds more to Fatima’s amazing success is her backstory. She grew up in a poor home in Mitchell’s Plain with her five siblings. She dropped out of school in Year 10 and then one day she just woke up and said ‘No, I want to make something of my life and do something and education is important’. With that determined promise she made to herself, she resumed her studies at school and “at 19 years old, I finished with flying colours,” she reports with her infectious chuckle. Although she had enrolled as an Archeology student, she had to withdraw because of lack of funds. She then opted to pursue her other passion of culinary arts and worked in a hospital canteen frying “slap chips” where she slowly introduced her own style of cuisine to feed the exhausted, over-worked medical staff. 

Fatima sought refuge in the hospital which became her second home as she tried to escape from her own home where she was suffering from an extremely abusive marital relationship. This miserable marriage was compounded by the fact that she couldn’t have children of her own so she gave all the love she had to the little ones recovering in hospital at that time. 

They say real heroes don’t have to wear capes; they are all around us rising above the terror of their barbaric experiences to sprinkle a little light and laughter to light up the lack-lustre lives of others that are also doing it tough. It is inspiring and reassuring to know that from the bottomless depths of despair, these living angels amongst us have been plunged like fresh tea leaves into scalding water to rise up on the other side with their aromatic scent of forgiveness to bequeath us the heart-stopping pleasure of a soul satisfying cup of tea. 

I hail from a humble but happy childhood home and I was not exposed to the cruelties of the world that many of my soul sisters have been through so while my heart bleeds for the unnecessary pain and suffering that you have been subjected through to abject poverty, substance abuse, domestic violence, molestation, emotional abuse or abandonment or disengaged parents, my heart sings sweetly when I come across the proverbial phoenixes like Fatima who is a living testimony that signals the universal truth that things can be turned around for the better. 

Thank you to all the phenomenal women that I interact with daily especially through social media who have been through turbulent times and still continue to put on brave smiles as you work through your challenges with health, professional, relationship and personal development issues. Life is bound to knock you down but you have to get up, stand up and show up like Fatima Sydow is doing it so beautifully and effortlessly. 

Have a phenomenal Women’s Month in South Africa and continue on your journey of being the authentic woman you already are. I don’t think I am going to wait for next Easter to make pickled fish that I used to love while I lived in South Africa or the hot cross buns - going to try many more recipes from her Facebook page Fatima Sydow Cooks. 

Have an awesome week and month and do your bit to honour and spread a little sunshine to a lovely lass or lady in your midst. 

#fatimasydow #Womensmonth #phenomenalwoman #heroesdontwearcapes

We should give Ourselves Permission to Fail

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Although many weeks have passed, I still can’t stop expressing my sadness to the untimely death of Sushant Singh Rajput, a young and dashing Bollywood actor, whose handsome face keeps popping up on social media screens. For whatever reason, this talented actor made the painful decision to end his short life at 34 years of age. I don’t know this actor well but I did manage to watch one of the movies he starred in when I visited South Africa in December 2018. It was a beautiful movie called “Kedernath” with the most breath-taking mountain scenes that act as a backdrop for the love story in the 2013 Uttarakhand floods in which about 5,000 people died. 

Why would someone who was supposedly riding the crest of the fame wave make the most irrational decision to bring to an end a promising and vibrant life? Many speculate that the young actor was suffering from depression because he was withdrawn from at least four of the films that he was supposed to have starred in. This brings home the sad reality that in life we are groomed for success but no-one prepares us for failure and setback. When the going gets tough, very often we don’t have the mental ability or the emotional stamina to ride through the stormy waters of life. 

As little kids we are constantly being encouraged to be the best and we are rewarded in tangible forms when we come out first at school, touch the ribbon at the end of the race, make it for man of the match, take the lead role in a play or win a talent contest. We are made to feel so special as we smile through the euphoria when our photos are taken and our parents and family let everyone know that they are connected to us - the winner, the victor, the star. It is true that the winning feeling is wonderful, it is exciting, it is positively intoxicating and who wouldn’t want a big dose of it. 

But what happens when things don’t go as they should? When the best set plans in life go awry? When your life turns to custard? When the promotion that you were so sure of getting, goes to someone else, the loan that was going to get you the new house, car or overseas trip is turned down, the love of your life tells you they “need some space” or you suffer the loss of a loved one or a job. You suddenly experience feelings that plummet you to such low depths and while you learned to smile and celebrate, no-one has showed you how to cope with the gut-wrenching feelings of rejection, defeat or loss. Or how to climb out of this deep, dark hole. 

There is a fundamental rule that exists when we follow a dream or a goal: we are at a Point A and we need to get to a Point B where our dream rests. So, we get ourselves busy to frantically connect the dots between the two points to realise our aspirations. When the distance between the two dots are too far apart, we put ourselves through an emotional rollercoaster as we experience the negative feelings of frustration, heartache and anger. 

The sad truth is that by clawing onto the dream life that we so desperately ache for, we lose sight of our present reality. When we cling too tightly to WHAT CAN BE, we rob ourselves of the opportunity of appreciating THE NOW and what we already have. Far too often we are lost in the mistaken reality of believing that we would only be truly happy if our dream comes true. The fundamental flaw of this approach is while chasing a dream, we are depriving ourselves from enjoying the life that we already have. A constant state of disappointment and disillusionment can easily lead to depression and despair and for some to take drastic measures like the rising star, Sushant did. 

A healthier approach to life would be to acknowledge where we are presently in life, to set goals or have dreams and try to be the best we can be IN THE MOMENT. When we do this, we are able to keep our eye on the ball in the present instead of obsessing on the future and fighting desperately for our dreams to be realised. In this way we don’t postpone life and limit our happiness which we feel we will only enjoy when our dreams do in fact come true. Give yourself permission to have the opportunity to TRY and even if you fail, it would be much less painful. You tried, you failed, you dust yourself, you get up, and try again. Life and happiness are part of the journey and should not just be confined to the destination. 

Have a dream but take life as it comes: one step at a time. The chances are you would trip or tumble on the way but it is going to be a great adventure.  When you feel the early winter sun on your face, when you see autumn leaves fall, when you pull your gown a little tighter while a storm rages outside, when your child cuddles up to you, when a tear falls involuntarily when you come across a poignant point in a story you are reading, when you inhale the warm aroma of the morning coffee, you realise that life is beautiful. You are free, you are healthy, you are alive. It really doesn’t matter whether dreams come true because we should be grateful for the small and simple things in life. If indeed the dream does get fulfilled, it is mere icing on the already fantastic cake of life. 

Our focus should be on living while the dream is just a part of that. Be grateful for the life you have now: the people who love you, your work, your talents, your interests, your relationships you have within or outside your family, your health and your peace of mind. You can handle failure when you realise that the fact that you are alive and well to pursue a dream is the dream coming true already. 

Have a fabulous week, Folks!

The Move from Sofas to Stovetops

”Kitchen. Noun – A gathering place for friends and family. A place where memories are homemade and seasoned with love.”

At the moment I am renovating my kitchen so this once humble room of the house  has been on my mind for awhile as I ponder on various kitchen designs and appliance choices. Ever since I owned my first home in South Africa a quarter century ago, and then relocated to subsequent new homes in New Zealand and Australia , I have had the pleasurable task of designing new kitchens many times. Although I have used both kitchen companies as well as DIY flat pack kitchen solutions, I actively participate in the design and construction of the kitchen because of my interest in design and my creative side. It is both interesting and amazing to see how this engine room of every house has evolved through the ages. Guests from the bygone days who were once comfortably ensconced in the lounge on the sofas have steadily made their way around the island bench of the stovetops. 

It’s been a mighty long journey from the early days when the kitchen was relegated to the back of the house and was regarded as purely utilitarian for preparing food and just barely large enough to fit the woman of the house and the big, sooty stove. With the movement of nuclear middle-class families into suburban homes, the kitchen edged closer to the living areas for more convenience and flexibility. 

Remember the popular Brady Bunch television kitchen of the seventies that we all thought were so high end: the bright, orange laminate counter tops with avocado green and brown cabinetry? If my memory serves me correct, all our childhood homes in the seventies in Chatsworth, South Africa, looked as if we were a part of one big franchise operation with the mottled, uniform , store-bought, panlyte kitchen sets in almost every home I visited. Remember the one with the kitchen dresser, the sink cupboard and the table and four chairs? I swear that not one of those clocks that was propped in the centre front facade of those dressers worked. We had the pinkish- reddish colour one while one of my neighbours had the greenish one and yet another had a sort of turquoise one (which to me was the coolest then). No wonder we thought that the Brady Bunch kitchen was to die for!

In the eighties, in keeping with the design principles of that decade, everything got bigger like the kitchen layouts and the appliances. Breakfast nooks were added and the kitchens started encroaching into the living areas. With most mothers working by this time, the open feel of the kitchen connected us to mum while she prepared the food as we watched TV. The busy, wall-papered floral flashbacks and walls of the seventies gave way to ceramic tiles and the lighter coloured cabinetry in warm beiges, oatmeal and off-whites became more favoured with timber trims. 

As the nineties approached, the kitchen was officially crowned the throne of the home as fancy, restaurant type cooktops and sleek, granite counters became the order of the day for gourmet cooking. Stainless steel appliances became the rage and in an effort to soften the cold, clinical look, cabinetry took on the earthy tones of oak, beech and  maple. With the open plan living area, the kitchen enjoyed equal importance as the hitherto TV lounge and dining room. Culturally, this was a significant change as this democratisation of the home no more confined the woman slaving or slogging over a hot stove. Cooking saw a metamorphosis from a tedious chore to a fine art as  more men discovered that their manhood was not compromised when they donned an apron. 

In the 2000’s the kitchen was part of the whole living area and therefore blended seamlessly with the lounge and dining room decor. Modern lighting pendants, fancy range hoods and multiple, industrial ovens built in towers made the kitchen the selling point of the home. A new house on the market was practically sold if the dominant buying partner of the house-hunting couple(the woman, duh!) fell in love with the kitchen storage solutions like the triple undercover bins, the pull-out pantry drawers, the humongous pot drawers with easy, soft close sliding functions, special, separate compartments for the pot lids and spacious cutlery drawers with concealed inner recesses that made the most economical use of space. Tuscan influenced colour schemes with warm tones in tan, browns, maroons and reds became trendy. 

After 2010, the natural timber look and granite were definitely out and the modern, bright, light and white kitchens with Caesar stone bench tops and timber flooring were splashed out in Instagram posts. Now, everything is clean, green(in an environmentally friendly sense) and pristine and a minimalistic, uncluttered look is achieved with all the small appliances like the toaster, kettle and food processor and even some big ones like the dishwasher and fridge concealed behind doors which are part of the cabinetry. With cooking shows like Master Chef and My Kitchen Rules and celebrity cooks like Nigella Lawson, Gordon Ramsey and Jamie Oliver becoming so popular, the kitchen has usurped the lounge as the entertaining room. The island stone bench top now is a mandatory inclusion in every modern kitchen cleverly dividing the two areas with the home owner on one side prepping and cooking and the guests   perched on stools on the other side sipping beverages and appraising the newly learnt culinary skills performed by the host. What do you know, cooking is now a spectator sport. 

The kitchen is probably the most important room in our house and it is where most of my family’s memories were made. While I prepped and cooked, I supervised the homework as the kids sat around the kitchen counter. Most of the messy school projects and art activities were  done on the hardy, granite tops. It was in this room while having breakfast, getting ready for school or finishing the day with dinner that stories were shared and confided. Even now, when I have guests, we seem to gather around the kitchen island bench instead of sitting in the lounge, laughing and talking while the food is being prepared. 

From the early days to now, while the kitchen architecture, decor and appliances have seen big changes, one thing remains the same: the kitchen is indisputably the heart of every good home. Life happens in the kitchen with the secret ingredients of love and laughter. It is in this sacred space of our home that we appreciate our culture, pass on traditions and cement our love as a family. 

Getting back to my kitchen design, I have decided that, yes, in keeping with the times, I am leaning towards an Arctic white kitchen  with soft-close drawers and cabinet doors without any handles that open with a touch, a waterfall stone, island benchtop in a neutral tone of mottled oatmeal, with similar toned retro tiles as a splash back.  I spend a lot of time in the kitchen cooking for each one’s individual taste (because I have the time) so I am treating myself to all the enticing storage solutions that makes all the crockery, cutlery, utensils and napery convenient to put away and take out. The only thing I am not looking forward to is the price tag that comes with this modern kitchen! But, if anyone objects, I am going to argue that it is going to be an excellent selling point for the house should we decide to move (which I doubt!). 

Do you have a favourite Child?

“It is my belief that 95% of the parents in the world have a favourite child, and the other 5% are lying” Jeffrey Kluger

Do you have a favourite child? Your natural response would be “Of course, not” because as a parent, it is taboo to confess that you have a favourite amongst your offsprings. Unless, of course, you have only one child which makes it okay in that case to say you have a favourite. Many research surveys  do in fact confirm your deep, dark secret:  parents confessed to having a favourite child. 

It is usually perceived that mums have a preference for their first-born sons while dads share a closer affinity with their daughters. Most often it is  the first-born and last born that are the favourite children. The middle child is once again ignored maybe because they don’t get to have the “lone” time with the parents that the other two enjoy. Sometimes, children who have more needs in the form of some disability or sickness get more of their parents’ attention in which case they are perceived as the favourite. Most often parents tend to gravitate towards children who share their personality traits that they are proud of and tend to lock horns with children that display a characteristic that they resent in themselves. 

Having a favourite child does not mean that you love one child more but  I think it has more to do with the child’s attitude at that particular time. You have endured a hard day at work and you come home already stressed out and one of your children decides to push your buttons even further. It is only human for you to lash out at that child and favour the one who has just announced that they have been chosen to represent their school in a speech competition.

Children are so different from each other in terms of their personalities so it comes as no surprise that parents love each one differently. I have three children and each one of them is so unique in their own way. They are like chalk, cheese and olive. When they were little, two of my children used to accuse me of having their sibling as my favourite. They pointed out that I always tended to be much kinder and more loving towards the other one than them. This so-called favourite child of mine was the most obedient, would do as he/she was told and hardly gave me any stress. I remember that this child would go as far as completing the other two’s chores to “spare mum the stress”. I validated their accusation by telling them: “At this point in time, you are right. X and I are getting along very well and I like being with him/her. I am sorry you feel hurt and angry right now but I am your mother and I love you both very much and I always will. In the near future, if your behaviour makes me happy, you can be sure that I will favour you then.”

As a parent and a teacher, I am a strong proponent of positive reinforcement. Instead of punishing undesirable behaviour, I tend to ignore it and reward responsible choices. So, whenever the “unfavoured” child made good by displaying some positive behaviour, I made sure to recognise and acknowledge this.  I think resentment sets in in children and sometimes this is carried right into adulthood when parents openly show to one child that they are less worthy than their siblings. I am no psychologist but I think it is okay to have favourites and to change them by the day, week, month or year as long as each of your children know that you love them unconditionally. I think the damage occurs when a child is consistently made to feel that they cannot match up to the favoured one. Also, the danger comes when the favouritism is steady and persistent and becomes a lasting part of the family dynamic.

Not all of your kids can display high standards of behaviour all the time. However, it would be errant of a parent if they withdraw their love from the naughty child. Rather, we ought to find moments when they are good and show our appreciation. It is also a good idea to make a special time where you are one-on-one with your kids so that each one enjoys an individualised bonding time with you so that they may feel favoured and special. 

Let’s face it, sometimes when one or two of your  children play up, there’s at least one child that make you feel that you have succeeded as a parent. So it stands to reason they are perceived as the favourite because you tend to be that much softer towards them. However, there is a distinct difference between love and favouritism. We love all our children but we favour a child at that point in time because that child makes us feel most successful as a parent. It should also be a reminder to our children that while our love as a parent is unconditional and infinite, a parent’s love and approval should be earned and maybe competed for. As I said, I am no psychologist but that’s my view. 

A year ago, both my boys complained that my husband and I favour our daughter too much. “We were vacuuming and doing the dishes when we were 5 or 6 but Kim is 18 and she gets treated like a princess!”. They are quite correct! Kim gets waited on hand and foot with her packed lunch made, clothes washed, hung and ironed and she’s exempt from household chores if she has uni or work commitments. At this point in time she is unabashedly our favourite because as parents we need to meet the developmental needs of our children. When the boys were little, dad did duty with taking one to his soccer training and games while mum took the other boy to his rugby training and matches. Even though both the boys played cricket, we still had to share duties because of their different divisions and venues. Poor Kim was the sacrificial lamb as there was no time to take her for sport on a Saturday. Also, while the boys enjoyed a lot of quality time with us when we were teachers, Kim who was born much later, only know us as business people and therefore had less time with us as we were focussing on building the business. So now, we are making the time to favour her. And that’s what parenting is all about: favouring a child at each stage of their developmental level like the dependent newborns, cute and cuddly toddlers, compliant school going children and stress-free adolescents. It goes without saying that the rebellious teenagers will have to work that much harder to receive our favour. 

Usually we are much stricter with our firstborns while the last borns get away with murder. While the first born had to be a certain age before they were permitted to do a certain thing, the younger ones tend to access their privileges much earlier. The eldest had to wait till 14 before they got their mobile phone while the youngest got theirs when they turned 10. This is what it is and I think it is okay because we tend to mellow with age. However, resentment amongst siblings can be built up when there is one set of rules for one child and a different one for the other at the same time. For example, one child is allowed to have a play date even though he hadn’t completed his chores while the other is not allowed. It is important to uphold a set of rules that is consistent for all children. In this way, the children can’t complain that there is favouritism. 

So, relax and acknowledge the fact that yes, as parents, we tend to favour one child over the other. This year, it might the eldest child, the next  year it could be the middle one and yet another year we may feel most connected to the youngest one. Our relationships with our children are not fixed: they change and grow with life’s ups and downs. At the end of the day, they are relationships and as long as we as parents are allowed to like them differently at different times, we should love them equally and nurture them to be the best versions of themselves all the time. Having a favourite from time to time is not a problem, what matters is the sum total of how we treat our children over a long period of time. 

In my overall view of the child rearing days, I reckon I did pretty well because right now each of my kids think that they are my favourite child. And each one of them is correct.

#favouritism #favouritechild #siblingrivalry #parenting