Always at her side but Two Steps Behind

Last night I stayed up late, well past midnight,  to watch the funeral of the late Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, who passed away peacefully just two months short of his 100 th birthday. Prince Philip shares the distinct honour of being the longest serving royal consort and was married to Queen Elizabeth for an impressive 73 years. For more than seven decades he had to play second fiddle to his wife. Pretty much like Bill Clinton, Denis Thatcher or New Zealand prime minister, Jacinda Ardern, whose partner’s name I still don’t even know. Yet while Prince Philip was a shadow to his wife in public life, always by her side but remembering to walk two steps behind, he defined a new type of masculine ideal. 

While his wife portrayed a powerful image in public, it is quite well known that he ruled the roost at home. Yet, alpha male as he was as evidenced by his excellence as a navy seal, his physical sporting interests, a driver of fast cars,  pilot of his own planes and his brusque, no- nonsense manner, he seemed quite at ease in his beta role fading into the sidelines while his spouse basked in the limelight. He was content to be behind her just serving a life of duty and devotion. Even though he experienced the emasculation of being the only man in Britain whose children couldn’t bear his surname (“Am I just an amoeba?” As he famously said) and suffering the indignity of kneeling down to his wife at her coronation promising to be her “liege and limb” (see I know all my facts about the prince having watched The Crown series on Netflix), he respected and honoured his wife’s role even though she represented the crown. 

With his propensity for racist and sexist remarks in public (although the British press prefer to refer to these euphemistically as “gaffes”), he showed the world what it is to be a pillar to the most powerful woman in the world. What an honour then to have an American, the ex-president of the United States, Barack Obama say this of him on Twitter: “Prince Phillip showed the world what it meant to be a supportive husband to a powerful woman. He also found a way to lead without demanding the spotlight — serving in combat in World War II, commanding a frigate in the Royal Navy, and tirelessly touring the world to champion British industry and excellence. Through his extraordinary example, he proved that true partnership has room for both ambition and selflessness — all in service of something greater”. Now, I wish I could have put this accolade as eloquently as that. 

Even though we are now in the 21st century where few seem to bat an eyelid to same sex marriages, his role was still an invidious one in the patriarchal society he was a part of: he had to support his wife in her role as reigning monarch but at the same time realise it was just a supportive role and it could never be anything more. She alone was accountable for her public duties and frustrated as he oft times would have naturally been, he never besmirched his Lillibet in public - always according her the love and adulation he showered on her when he first met her when she was just thirteen and he, a young 18-year old navy cadet. 

There’s this famous saying that goes, “Behind every successful man, there’s a strong woman”, but certainly the roles were reversed for the man who held the number 1 passport of Great Britain ( the Queen does not need a passport). In her 69 years as the longest reigning monarch, the queen even attested to the strength he gave her at their 50th wedding anniversary: “He has, quite simply, been my strength and stay all these years. I, and his whole family, and this and many other countries, owe him a debt greater than he would ever claim, or we shall ever know.” Flattering words indeed from a woman who is well known for not wearing her heart on her sleeve. 

Philippos Schleswig-Holstein Sonderburg-Glucksburg , the Greek prince in exile who became the Duke of Edinburgh when he married Princess Elizabeth in 1947 was happy to be the “home boy” - a title that most supposed modern men feel a bit touchy about. He set up a kitchen at home and prepared breakfast for his four kids when their mother, the queen, was out on state duties. He was also known to take care of the interior decorating of all the homes they resided in. Even when his mind was not on the task at hand, like accompanying the queen to horse races which he detested, he rigged a radio in his top hat from which he could listen to the cricket. The important thing was that he was at his wife’s side nodding and smiling at the right times, isn’t it? 

In one episode of The Crown when Princess Diana is very depressed and Prince Philip tries to console her, he confides in her by admitting that he also feels like an outsider and a nonentity in the Royal system when he talks of the queen as: “She is the oxygen we all breathe, the essence of all of our duties.” He is saying that the queen is the only one who matters and his long marriage attests to the fact that he learnt very early on in his marriage the truth of “happy wife, happy life”. One thing is clear though, politically incorrect as he was known to be, the queen could not have performed her role as well if he had not performed his. If she said “jump” and he failed to respond with “how high”, I fear their marriage would have surely walked down the same path as that of three of their four children’s failed ones. 

In view of the all the scandals that have been played out in the Royal house through the years, the British monarchy owes Prince Philip an enormous thank you for being the glue that not only kept the Firm together but also because of his magnanimous gesture of being the man that he was and to feel it was quite okay to walk two steps behind his wife. Some say he was a racist, some say he was a bigot, some say he was a grumpy old man who didn’t suffer fools. I say he was a real man who had enough faith in his manhood to know that it didn’t really matter that he had to stand while his wife sat, he had to stay silent while she spoke, he had to stand in the shade while she shone in the spotlight and he had so willingly given up his promising naval career to support her role as the queen. 

So for the prince who was born on a dining room table in the little Greek island of Corfu but who would never become a king, we say goodbye as we remember you as a a real man who championed the rights of women (albeit it unconsciously) well before your time. Vale, your royal Highness, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh. 

#princephilip

From your Valentine

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt”             

                 Charles M Schulz

Today, February 14th, is celebrated as Valentine’s Day in the modern calendar and while many associate this heart-shaped festivity with red roses, plush toys, romantic dinners or decadent confectionary, its origins are actually dark, depressing and down right bloody. 

There are oft-repeated backstories to this significant date but the most popular one refers to a story that tells of Saint Valentine who was a Christian and who lived in the 3rd century AD. He came to the aid of persecuted Christians by marrying them in secret in the pagan-controlled Rome.  

At this time in history, many Romans were converting to Christianity, but the Emperor Claudius II was a pagan and created strict laws about what Christians were allowed to do. Claudius believed that Roman soldiers should be completely devoted to Rome for he thought wives and children would  be an unnecessary distraction and therefore passed a law preventing them from marrying. St Valentine began to marry these soldiers in secret Christian ceremonies and this was the beginning of his reputation for believing in the importance of love. Eventually, Valentine was found out and jailed for his crimes against Claudius. While imprisoned, Valentine cared for his fellow prisoners and also his jailor's blind daughter. 

According to legend, Roman Emperor Claudius II, interrogated Valentine in person and  attempted to convert him to paganism. Valentine refused and, in turn, attempted to convert Claudius to Christianity, an act that did not go over well and which resulted in Valentine being sentenced to death. Before his execution, however, St Valentine cured his jailer’s daughter of blindness, inspiring the jailer and his household to convert to Christianity. An additional legend states that Valentine wrote a letter to the jailer’s daughter, Julia, signing as “Your Valentine”. This was to mark the first ever “Valentine card” which the card company Hallmark popularised to secure their millions.

It was only 200 years later though when Rome became Christian that the the Pope proclaimed St Valentine’s Day to commemorate the stamping out of paganism. Later, Chaucer, the poet from the Middle Ages linked St Valentine to romantic love. Since then people sent cards lovingly created with love symbols like hearts, Cupids and flowers and accompanied by sentimental verse expressing their affection for their loved one. 

Fast forward to modern day, and Valentine’s Day, goes hand-in-enclasped-hand with sugary concoctions that can spike the glucose levels with a mere look, 

flawless diamonds whose brilliant luminescence threatens to blind , bunches, bouquets or boxes of sickly sweet red roses, fuzzy teddy bears in candy-floss pinks and sizzling scarlets, luxurious hotel stays in exotic locations and of course, the over the top ones with love declarations  in the form of flashing billboards, coloured smoke emitted by jet planes that spells “I love you” or committing to a marriage proposal from the top of the mountain or from the depths of the sea. Whatever the expression of love is in tangible terms, the common denominator is the amount of affection expressed is directly proportional to the price-tag to secure the bespoke gift: slick, marketing machine mentality nurtured by commercial outlets. 

Closer to home in the Naidoo household, Valentine’s Day takes on a whole new meaning. When we first emigrated to New Zealand, the boys were 3 and 1 year olds. With the absence of a family support system or house help for that matter, there was no one to babysit so the entire family went out for dinner and my husband bought gifts and cards for  the kids and I. Yours truly don’t do gifts maybe because I believe every day is an opportunity to show your love or I am not the sentimental kind. Since then, with the introduction of our daughter to the clan,  it has become a tradition with the Naidooz where the love for family is celebrated or more appropriately the love of the father for his family as he is the only one who takes the care to sort out breakfast, book the lunch or dinner dates and buys the gifts and write the messages on the cards. How lucky are we!

Now, if you know me, around this time in the piece is a moral message so here goes. While Valentine’s Day is made out to be a day characterised by warm, fuzzy feelings and gifts for the one you love, it is also the day that brings the most pain and suffering to those that feel unloved: couples who feel stuck  in loveless relationships, family who have been robbed of the love of their dearly departed, the elusiveness of love in the realisation that you are single yet again, the  suffering of the pains of rejection from an unrequited love situation, the painful pricks of hurt by someone who doesn’t show gratitude for the love you showed them in deeds or otherwise, the loneliness endured by parents after being forgotten by the children whom they lovingly reared, the pangs of loneliness of the student who feels ignored by the teacher no matter how hard they try or the worker who is overlooked for a promotion they think they deserve. 

If you are one of the lucky ones who feel the love on this Valentine’s Day, spare a thought to those who are aching for some love today and sprinkle a little happiness their way. I can guarantee you that their mega-watt smile because of your caring will far eclipse the dazzling brilliance of any store-bought, diamond. 

Have a LOVE-ly day, my lovelies. 

#valentinesday

Class of 2020 hijacked by a Virus

“There is no education like adversity”  - Disraeli

Last week marked the moment that our 2020 final year students completed the last chapter of their school life. What a $!&!#!*!  year it was! The cherry on top of all school years has certainly got to be your final year when all the traditional celebrations and rites of passages occur: year 12 graduation, school farewell, annual awards ceremony, school leadership roles, school formal, your last school production or school athletics carnival, driving your friends around with a bona fide driver’s licence, 18th birthday party(for many) and schoolies(a beach celebration for school leavers in Australia). However for the Class of 2020, Covid has robbed them of what is touted as being the best and most memorable year of their teenage lives. True, some generations had it tougher during the war years, depression and recession but it still sucks. 

The year started like any other with year 12 students entering the hallowed halls of their schools bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with aspirations of making it their best year yet. Resplendent in fresh uniforms, armed with the year’s book lists and stationery and an eager and optimistic attitude towards their studies, they were ready for the challenges that this all-important school year would throw at them. Never in their wildest dreams did they expect the insidious Covid-19 virus would be hurtling towards them at breakneck speed to wreak havoc on their precious, final school year. 

It is not just the big ceremonies and celebrations that were missed but also the little, insignificant moments that all contribute to this coming-of-age year: like studying in the library, attending career workshops, enjoying little moments with friends, mucking up in the common room, making plans for overseas experience, deliberating with your besties about the trendiest colour or sexiest cut for the ball gown, agonising over whether your crush will ask you to be your partner for the school formal. It is these mundanities too that collectively  make up the final year which will be etched in their  minds more than any other. What a devastating loss for our school leavers of 2020 who for the most part were out of their normal school setting as they battled the the year remotely and online. 

Their last year of school was literally turned upside down for the 2020 cohort: an academic year that is usually ordered and organised in military-like precision in neat sections of covering curriculum, well-planned study sessions and the mandatory tests and exams was suddenly up in the air. Instead of forging and cementing friendships in the final year which many say last a lifetime, the students had to social distance and isolate. Ploughing through the complex course work is tough enough but to be suddenly thrown in the deep end in terms of the delivery and disruptions made the senior year even harder to contend with. Overnight, traditional classroom settings were replaced by Zoom sessions which unsettled many because of technical difficulties and unfamiliar territory in terms of lesson delivery. 

In Australia, the Corona virus pandemic was just another “first” for the 2020 cohort who will turn out to be the most resilient bunch yet because of other changes that they endured during their school career. They made up the first year of compulsory prep school when it was trialed in 2008, they were the first year 7 classes who were removed from primary school and newly housed in high schools, and in Queensland it is the first year that Year 12 students are sitting the newly introduced ATAR exams which other states are familiar with. No other peace time school leavers had to deal with the changes that our 2020 cohort had to struggle through with such unprecedented disruptions in their education. 

As it often is, the best laid plans in life go awry and in times like these, the inspirational words of Oprah Winfrey can be so motivating: “Turn your wounds into wisdom”. Adversity is unwelcome and  inevitable but it does not have to define who we intrinsically are. We can overcome our mishaps, misfortunes and mistakes to still find happiness and conquer our goals. Every metaphorical demon we successfully slay, serves to strengthen our will, our confidence and our ability to confront future obstacles. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, right?

It is often during a time of upheaval that the most soulful reflections are made. The class of 2020 had a taste first-hand to do without in terms of rationing and restrictions that were put in place. The products of decades of economic prosperity, these school leavers have never really faced financial hardship. Unlike our generation that studied after leaving school so that we could fast track to a career that would ensure our economic survival, this Generation Z were more into higher order thinking like: what vocation would align to my moral values, is the career direction I pursue based on ethics, how can I add value to the world as a environmentally conscious individual and for many school leavers, work-related ambitions were a distant thought as they planned for the overseas gap year. Suddenly, international travel is not happening in the foreseeable future and jobs are few and far between as big conglomerates have become bankrupt. The immediate future looks bleak and our school leavers this year will no doubt face the brunt of economic hardship. The silver lining though has to be the time honoured truth which proves that in times of trouble, creativity and ingenuity comes to the fore. This has to be a positive thing, surely.

So, in these extraordinary times when our education system the world over has witnessed the most cataclysmic catastrophe in the history of education, the Class of 2020 will emerge as the most resilient, most creative and most compassionate cohort not in spite of, but because of the significant challenges that they had to face. Instead of bemoaning what has been lost from this watershed, final school year because of the pandemic,let us focus on the blessings in the form of lessons that came in its wake like learning to adapt, to be flexible, to be creative, to problem solve and to communicate better - invaluable life skills that are not part of the senior year school syllabus but smart skills which will no doubt hold us in good stead for the unpredictable future. 

So, Class of 2020, never for a moment think you were disadvantaged. On the contrary, you were the chosen ones, the lucky ones, because you share a bond that goes beyond borders with your global peers  and having experienced the limitations of our education system that was glaringly exposed through the virus, you are the best persons to redefine our dismal education system that have been trust upon us for centuries without heeding all forms of changes. You represent true grit. Go out and dream big! Oh, and also, thank you, Covid-19, for usurping the traditional teacher’s role and delivering to the senior students of 2020 the best life lessons they will ever experience. 

 

Shattering the Glass Ceiling

 

“Rosa sat, so that Ruby could walk, so that Kamala could run”

“While I may be the first woman in this office, I will not be the last, because every little girl watching tonight sees that this is a country of possibilities.” This was part of the victory speech of Kamala Harris, first female and first woman of colour to be elected as Vice President of the United States.  I don’t think the glory is diminished in any way by the fact that  she has reached this high office on the coat tails of an aged,  77-year old white man because the daughter of immigrant parents is still paving the way on this momentous occasion for little girls everywhere. The glass ceiling has been symbolically shattered and the fairer sex who have been marginalised for centuries now nurture the hope that if a person who is historically the wrong sex, the wrong colour and of the wrong birthright can ascend to such dizzying heights, then they can too. 

Throughout her campaign trial on the road to the Whitehouse, Kamala touched on the struggles of being a person of colour and the plight of immigrant families of which she was a product of an Indian born mother, Shamala Gopalan, and Jamaican father, Professor Donald Harris. However, what she focussed on most during her campaigning was the hardship and the obstacles women faced in getting ahead in office. While she accepts the accolade of forging new frontiers for women , she knows she has the sisterhood behind her back as can be seen in a pre-election speech she gave in Texas: ““Yes, sister, sometimes we may be the only one that looks like us walking in that room but the thing we all know is we never walk in those rooms alone — we are all in that room together.” (A Liverpool supporter, perchance?)

With all the astounding advancements  we as a global community have made in all the different spheres of life, we are still woefully, far behind in affording equal opportunity for women. It is for this reason that the metaphorical phrase “ the glass ceiling” was coined in the eighties to refer to women in leadership roles who seem to plateau and go no further than middle management roles. The glass ceiling , however, is still at least breakable on the odd occasion compared to the concrete ceiling which is almost impenetrable if you are a woman of colour. Thus, Kamala Harris’ role as second-in-command in one of the world’s largest democracies, must be seen as an extraordinary victory in view of the triple whammy she faced in being woman, coloured and from immigrant heritage. 

Closer to home there seems to be a “boys’ club” mentality that prevents or makes it difficult for women from securing promotions as heads of institutions. For whatever reason, men seem to be the preferred candidate against their female counterparts. Why? Is it because males already occupy leadership roles in that institution so they choose other males to fill positions because they are more familiar with the biological make-up of their male peers? Easier to go pub crawling? Or is there a notion that males are competitive, aggressive and outspoken which is more in keeping with head roles as opposed to women who are culturally brought up to be quiet, unassuming and subservient? What about the best person for the job based on competence and calibre?

One of my hobbies outside of teaching is to dabble in real estate - forever renovating a home to add value and then on-sell. So, as a project manager, I am forever dealing with men who almost always make up the building trade. In spite of me working on all the ideas of the design concepts and having thought out the whole aesthetics of the project, when it comes to issuing instructions to the workmen on what I need to have done, they will address my unsuspecting husband who happens to be nearby. Even though he reminds them to speak to the “the Mrs”, they will still continue to consult him proving blatantly that they don’t consider a woman to be capable of making decisions in which they consider to be a male domain. Even at my tuition centre, when someone pops in to make an enquiry about tuition, they bypass the tanned lady in front and look towards one of the male (bald and white) tutors and direct their enquiry. You see when it comes to looking like the head, you have to fit a certain mould - the less curvier, the less softer, the less compassionate, the better. 

One only has to take a look at boardrooms or management credentials to see how skewed the representation is in favour of males. The gender bias is top heavy in favour of men even in developed countries where women were given the vote from the early days. Who can forget that unforgettable moment in Australian history when the then female prime minister, Julia Gillard, stood up and berated the leader of the Opposition, Tony Abbott, for  being a misogynist and sexist. 

While Julia Gillard made history by breaking the glass ceiling she then had to face a glass cliff- where women who have been successful in securing the head position face unfair criticism and pressures  in their new, leading roles. For three years and three days in her role of prime minister she was constantly subjected to comments by the press on the fit of her jackets, the tone of her voice, the cut of her hair, the size of her bottom, the exposure of her cleavage, the state of being childless and most importantly the legitimacy of her rule. The men in her cabinet unfairly stuck the knife behind her back so that one of their cronies from the boys' club, Kevin Rudd, could succeed her. Had she been a man, her stay at the top would have been beyond any shadow of doubt a “cruisy” and infinitely longer one. 

When women managers display leadership qualities like being assertive, competitive or ambitious they are seen to be bossy or bitchy. When they try to be accommodating, tolerant or compassionate, they are seen as weak and pushovers. They don’t seem to win whichever leadership style they choose. While a male colleague may ask for a pay rise, offer an unsolicited opinion, use a harsh tone or challenge the status quo and still climb the corporate ladder, heaven forbid if a female dare do the same - she would be instantly labelled cranky and therefore poor leadership material. 

Perhaps the worst thing that hold women back in terms of leadership roles, is the fact they are held down by their own gender since the dawn of time. This female misogyny or what is often referred to as the “queen bee” syndrome is prevalent in almost every workplace where the mean girl behaviour often associated with high school continue to flourish when a female rises above the ranks. In the work place, for women leaders it is like being in the movie set of The Devil wears Prada or Mean Girls where you are viewed by the other females purely on how you look and what you wear than on your knowledge, expertise or competency. These women would much rather cheer or mentor a male colleague than their sisterhood. Sad, but true. 

Even when we occupy leadership roles that we have rightfully earned because of our hard work and competence, we still can’t get rid of the feeling that we are usurping a position that should be filled by someone with much higher testosterone levels. On a personal note, as Head of English at a high school in New Zealand and as moderator ( check marker) of an external English written expression paper in Australia, I would come up with creative and innovative ways to improve the system but would rack my brain as to how to present it in an understated almost apologetic manner lest I be seen as an upstart or an intruder. Even when I became owner and principal of my first tuition franchise, I still doubted whether I would be a successful businessman (sorry, businesswoman). You see, I notched two more obstacles than Kamala Harris as besides being on the wrong side of the track in terms of colour, gender, birthright, I also had the different nationality and accent. 

Admittedly, women are moving into fields that have been hitherto considered the male bastion in engineering,  the trades, the medical field, the sciences and on the sports field but the change is still in the form of tiny droplets. We, (with permission to speak on behalf of my soul sisters), are not asking for a deluge in terms of leadership roles in the upper echelons but we would be content with a steady flow. After all,when one looks at the global gender ratio, it is almost even at 101 males to 100 females and yet women only represent a meagre 10 %  as heads of a hierarchy ( largely dependent in which country you are from). Whether you are Eve or Steve, these are embarrassing statistics, wouldn’t you agree?

Eternal optimist that I am, it is my fervent hope that much sooner than later, our policy makers and employers will reinvigorate their efforts to work towards the universal goal of being judged as the right person for the job instead of the fusion of your chromosomes. 

For my part, I, and I trust that other mothers like me, will follow Kamala’s mother, Shyamala’s example, and teach our daughters to shatter the glass ceiling into smithereens instead of trying to fit into the glass slipper. 

Vijay Naidoo

+61 435784775

vijay_naidoo@hotmail.com

Focus on the Fundamentals

 "Mints on the pillow don’t mean a lot if the bed is not made. Focus on the basics first."

Yesterday saw the grand final between the Melbourne Storm and the Penrith Panthers in the National Rugby League Grand Final. The team from Penrith had 17 straight wins and were frothing at the bits to wreak carnage on the team from Victoria whose woes were exacerbated by living away from home for the last five months. For those of you that are familiar with the boys from Melbourne, they do not display fancy footwork, lightning speed runs or any dizzying aerial manoeuvres - they just get the job done, one set of six at a time.

In a calm, clinical way they applied their foot to their opposition’s throat squeezing it systematically to win the first half 22-0. They didn’t do anything fancy: they just ran forward in packs of twos and threes fearlessly, their halves rolled the ball into the goal line, they played the percentages and got through the sets. Repetitive and boring but it is what was needed  to make them the NRL grand champions once again. Sure, the opposition did gain ground in the second half but the Storm did well to protect their lead.

Just like winning coach, Craig Bellamy , from the Melbourne Storm, there are many other successful coaches who prove that the recipe for success is getting down to the basics. One in particular, was Vince Lombardi who took on the coaching job in 1961 of the Green Bay Packers football team who suffered an excruciating defeat the previous year in the NFL grand final against the Philadelphia Eagles.

To his bemused team, he started his coaching stint by raising something in the air and said, “This is a football.” He went on to train them taking nothing for granted as if they had no knowledge or experience of the game before. It is mind boggling that he adopted this approach with these professional athletes being blank slates - a team consisting entirely of professional footballers who were almost the champions the previous year!

Despite the teasing and sometimes the frustration of the players, Lombardi started from page 1 of the rule book and practised the basics over and over again. And what do you know - 6 months later his team trounced the New York Giants to win the NFL Championship 37 -0. The team’s secret? They just did the basics better than everyone else - they took nothing for granted.

In life too, we don’t need grand motivational speeches or be armed with the killer instinct to achieve goals. Most often, it is just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the basics well. Like Nike says, we need to “Just do it”. Like the Storm did to raise up the championship silverware - just complete a set of 6 to get to the goal line.

Very often, we look for one big break or a single event to catapult us to fame or to fortune. But really when road meets rubber, it is the fundamentals that determine our individual success: our daily habits, our routines and our little actions which all build up to make the win.

So don’t get bogged down with the details or with intricate game plans - focus on the fundamentals to be that better leader, worker, teacher, student, parent or yourself.

Have a great week, Folks, doing the ordinary things well.

#happynewweek #motivationalmonday #mondaymotivation #backtobasics #fundamentalsfirst

Social Distancing doesn’t mean Emotional Distancing

“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other”.   

SE Hall

Last week a shining, dazzling  light was snuffed out from our  Montarena High ex-students chat group when we lost a valued member. When I got up last Tuesday morning I was greeted by the news that he suffered a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. Before I could recover from this shocking news, there was an update barely minutes later that he had passed on. There is an aching void in the social group that is so tangible with its ear deafening silence. You could count on him to not only initiate interesting, philosophical conversations or dish out helpful and healthy advice but he also walked  the extra mile to personally respond to each one’s post with supportive comments in private chats.  For me personally, there is a deep sense of loss too as we had engaged in private discourses about well-being, creative writing and spirituality  almost every day. Although I knew him from our school days as the brother of another student that was in my cohort, I never really spoke or got to know him until a few months ago when I became active in this particular chat group. 

When someone passes on and you are called upon to remember them in a public forum, it usually requires the expertise of that akin to an accomplished plastic surgeon. With their adroit and nimble skills, this specialist physician goes to work armed with their sharp scalpel deftly cutting out the unsavoury bits of the deceased’s mortal existence and then succeeding to primp, buff and implant it with platitudes that is more in keeping with societal expectations . The end result of this sanitising and cosmetic procedure is attractive and appealing to all. As it should be. Just like there is no such thing as an ugly baby, you wouldn’t dare speak ill of the dearly departed. It is just not the done thing as it rubs our sensibilities the wrong way.

However, in the case of this beautiful soul who has  gone too soon, there is no need for a nip and tuck to eulogise the way he touched all that were fortunate enough to know him. He was open, accessible and always ever ready to engage with anyone that was in need of company. Even though he would comment openly in the group conversations, he went beyond the call of acceptable social standards to enter into private chats with all the members being  acutely aware of each one’s interests and their highs and lows they were experiencing at any given time. 

Nalin Nair may not be physically in our midst anymore but he leaves with us a lasting legacy. He demonstrated to us on such a basic level that “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world”. He understood that as human beings, our brains are wired to connect with others so that we feel a sense of belonging and connection to other people.  He realised full well that this experience is what we as humans need to live a happy and fulfilled life. 

In this current climate where we are required to social distance, sadly this has caused many of us to emotionally distance as well. For many who are usually on their own, the Covid-19 pandemic has exacerbated their loneliness. Although there is a notion, that one can still connect digitally on social media, it is not the same as someone reaching out to you in an authentic and meaningful way that Nalin so effortlessly did. 

From our university days we learnt about Maslow’s needs of hierarchy which states that our need for belonging comes a close second after our need for survival is met. So, the need to connect with others is fundamental to us if we are to  live a happy and fulfilled life. This means that we need to engage in meaningful relationships with others by connecting to them. By merely interacting or talking to someone about their interests doesn’t necessarily mean that you are connecting to them. 

True connection with another person means being open and available in the sense that you are empathetic and compassionate to them. It means making the time to listen to them, showing understanding and empathy for what they are telling you and doing this out of the goodness of your heart without expecting anything in return. Making people laugh, having fun nights out by socialising, having some drinks with others and talking about the footy or going out dancing is not really connecting. Even co-habiting with a spouse and going through the motions of marriage is not really connection. Nalin was endowed with a gift of being in the present moment and nurturing a relationship of trust so that you felt and experienced a true connection. What a rare and sorely needed characteristic to make our world a better place. 

We are now living in a time which many are referring to as the “new normal”. Now, more than ever before, we are experiencing “down time”. With this extra time, we seem to think, remember, regret and worry more. There are far too many people who seem much more isolated than before because they are not going about their usual lives. If we are doing okay, we should keep Nalin’s moral legacy alive by reaching  out to people that are less fortunate than us in terms of connection. 

As we take the necessary precautions to look after our physical selves by adhering to the social distance rules, we should pay equal attention to take care of the emotional needs of those that feel alone and isolated. If you know of someone that lives by them self, call them and have a chat, reach out to people that have lost loved ones and share in their grief, offer help with shopping or running errands for those that are elderly,  look out for people that are doing it tough in this trying time and add some cheer to their lives. 

In the workplace, teachers,  be more compassionate  in your interactions with your students; managers,  show some caring to your subordinates, workers, you can take the initiative to enquire about your superiors well-being instead of the other way around, you could check if they are okay too and the general public could be more mindful and exercise more patience to health service workers as well as people in hospitality and retail. 

Make the time and effort to reach out and make a human connection either individually or in a group because it brings so many benefits for all involved: the relationships that we build and nurture gives us the primordial sense of belonging in a partnership that we all crave for, it affords us a sense of identity and we can learn from others’ experiences and insight. And, is this support system with all its feel-good values not therapy itself?

Lastly, you yourself need to surrender and allow other people to reach out to you. Many of us tend to isolate ourselves because we feel unworthy of being loved or we fear the pains of rejection or that we may not be able to fit in with others. In Brene Brown’s TED talk in the Power of Vulnerability, she asks us to not “to bottle up our emotions”, to show the courage to be vulnerable and to “show up, face fear and move forward”. 

In a world of algorithms, hashtags, likes, pokes and follows, Nalin showed us the true meaning of human connection. We will pay him the ultimate tribute if we could carry on with his moral legacy of connecting in an authentic and meaningful way. 

Nalin, you entered our lives like a blazing comet and you sprinkled all that you touched with shooting stars of caring, compassion and the credo of making human connections. We will honour you in little ways so just like you, we will leave this world a better place. 

Till we meet again, Brother.

Let’s say “yes” to saying “no” to today’s Kids

“The more risks you allow your children to take, the better they learn to take care of themselves” 

Roald Dahl

I visited my friend in Brisbane last weekend for a sleepover and she introduced me to a Hindi-language movie on Netflix ( with sub-titles, thankfully) called “Hindi Medium”. It is about a young couple, Raj (played by the late Irfan Khan) and his wife, Mita, who go through extraordinary lengths to get their daughter, Pia, into a  prestigious, private school. It made me think about how times have changed through the generations regarding parenting. In my childhood when children were “seen and not heard” to present times where the parents are virtually wrapped around their kids’ little fingers, the whole landscape of parenting has evolved so drastically. Are school teachers paying the high cost of unruly and ill-mannered  children because of weak parents that pander to their child’s every whim?

You may have heard about the term “helicopter” parent which refers to a parent that is overly protective of their child. These parents will move mountains as they mollycoddle their child by showering them with excessive individual attention to the extent the child feels that he or she is king of the castle. The problems arise, however, when these kids are not treated as royalty in other social situations like the classroom. This leads to aggressive behaviour and “hissy fits” and to make matters worse, teachers cop the blame for not stimulating these “intelligent” children enough. 

Child psychologists say that there is enough evidence to prove that we are doing our children a big disservice by giving in to their every want. Parents who hover around their kids, not only make every decision for them, but also go out of their way to make their lives comfortable by giving them everything they ask for. For the first time in history, today’s parents have failed to pass on the time-honoured baton of authoritative parenting as we know it. Instead, we have become “lawnmower” parents clearing our angels’ paths from any anticipated difficulty so that they have metamorphosed into something akin to “cotton wool” or “bubble wrap” kids. 

All parents want the best for their children but are you guilty of over-parenting? Do you charge to the school at the start of the year and ensure your little Johnny is placed in Ms Super Teacher’s class to be seated next to his friend? Do you get into the car and rush to school to deliver a forgotten lunch, homework or sports gear? Request your child be excused for the assignment deadline because he was stressed with too much other work? Send your own food and drink to a party your child is attending because he/she is a picky eater? Demand that your child get a part in the annual school performance or an award? 

If our children are not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them, how will they be equipped to fit in the real world when the time comes? When things don’t go their own way, they don’t get what they want or to hear the word “no”? In our quest to be the modern parent who is lovingly attuned to their child’s emotional needs, we have allowed the pendulum to swing too far to the other end where we feel if we deny our children anything, we are not showing our parental love. 

My own kids used to think I am a mean mum while they were in school. If they texted me to bring their lunch which they forgot to school, I would type a hasty reply, “Kids in Africa go days without food, you can make it to the afternoon”. When I gave them a time to be in the car before I took off to school or some other outing, I would drive off at the appointed time whether they were in the car or not”. If they asked for a reward if they thought they did good work, they would get the reply, “Mate, in Africa where I come from, doing good work is normal. Why do you need a reward?” Even now they still remember my automatic response when they needed last minute help: “Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine” (Bob Carter). 

One morning my daughter asked me to write a late note for her as I dropped her off at school. I asked her what excuse should I put in to which she replied, “Say we have overseas visitors” which we did have at the time but our house also has four bathrooms so you can understand why I was somewhat perplexed about her not being ready on time. Anyway, I hastily scribbled a note and off she skipped to the admin office to sign in. When she returned home, she was not impressed. “How could write that late note, Mum? You are the meanest mum ever!”. I had written: “Kim is late this morning because she was disorganised. Please do not excuse her tardiness. On the contrary, administer the due disciplinary measures so that this inexcusable behaviour does not recur.”(or something to that effect).  It ended off well for Kim, though, because the receptionist said she will waive the detention as  the reason was honest. 

Being an educator for the past 35 years, I have seen first-hand the damage that is caused to children whose parents handle them with kid gloves. I think it is about time we said “yes” to saying “no” so that we raise children who will take their rightful places in society as responsible adults of tomorrow. 

 Kids need to feel and to learn to deal with discomfort so it doesn’t come as a shock to them in adulthood when things are bound to not go their way. Children need to learn about “delayed gratification” - if they want something like a bike or a mobile phone, they need to wait. We need to support their development to work and earn what they desire. If we give them instantly what they want, then we run the risk of raising entitled individuals. You can’t be a parent and a friend at the same time - kids need to know that the parent is in charge and who set boundaries which means saying “no” every now and then. There’s no evidence to suggest that your child will love you less if you don’t give in to their requests. 

Our children are our reasons for living. It is also our moral obligation to love and nurture them to be the best versions of ourselves. However, in doing so we must not err on the side of over-indulgence where we give them too much of individual time and expensive, material possessions, waiting on them hand and foot without allowing them to work on life skills that will prepare them for their adult lives or being very lenient about discipline where they are not accountable for their own choices in behaviour. 

My 25-year old son who lives in Sydney called me up not too long ago and thanked me for being a tough mum and instilling old-fashioned values. I replied, “Really?”. He affirmed it was as he found it distressing to see how youngsters handle freedom when they move out and are on their own and how they go overboard with their risqué behaviour: partying, driving too fast, abusing alcohol and drugs, having promiscuous relationships and generally behaving irresponsibly to fit in with their delinquent friends. This is sadly the consequence of parents not allowing their kids to take risks as children so they are not capable of making responsible decisions as adults. 

While “helicopter” parents’ may have good intentions, they don’t understand that their approach is not the best for their kids over the longer term to prepare them to stand on their own feet when the time comes.

Instead of hovering with oscillating rotors whirring dangerously close to their children’s heads, it would be worth the while for “ helicopter” parents to instead arm their children with parachutes of life- and decision making skills so they can jump safely when the situation requires it.