Everything in Life happens in our own Time

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it, it just blooms.”

– Zen Shin

About five years or so ago, I noticed a young plant growing on the side of our house. I pinched a leaf and inhaled its scent and was quite sure it was some sort of citrus tree, however,  I couldn’t pinpoint the exact phylum as I lack adequate  botany skills. Being a nature-lover, I was especially pleased with this new find as it was not purposefully grown. I surmised it must have been a seed tossed into the garbage can that had escaped its destiny to the rubbish tip and just decided to take root ( pun intended) right near where our rubbish bins are housed. I watered it and watched its progress through the years and each month it grew taller and taller. Needless to add, the rubbish bins had to be relocated. After one, two, three years when it had transformed  into a fully grown, adult tree , there were no flower blossoms nor the much anticipated fruit. My husband, a practical Capricorn, said it should be chopped down, uprooted and thrown away as it was not producing any fruit and just an unnecessary nuisance that could affect the foundation of our house. I protested. Please let it be. Just because it doesn’t give us fruit, there’s no reason to destroy it. We could still enjoy its foliage, its fragrant citrusy scent and admire how strikingly tall it has become as it was almost as tall as our double storey house. I am probably gifted with persuasive skills as the lemon/naartjie/mandarin/orange/lime or whatever-tree was allowed to live another day perpetuating its barren existence. Each morning as I passed the tree on my ritualistic garden walkabout, I would give it a nod (couldn’t give it a pat because of the sharp thorns) as if to say, “Don’t worry, you are safe. You are still precious even if you don’t give us any fruit.” By now, after five years, the tree was towering well over our very high roof.

Two weeks ago, my neighbour popped into our house one morning and as she was leaving, she said, “Did you notice there’s fruit on your tree?”. My eyes filled with tears of joy - it was as if I had discovered I myself was pregnant after trying unsuccessfully for all those years. I couldn’t contain my excitement and could hardly believe this miracle. My neighbour confirmed the existence of two fruit perched high up with a photo from her upstairs bedroom window. My happiness knew no bounds as I looked proudly  at the two ripening mandarins that peeped through the luxuriant, verdant growth. 

Lovely, heartwarming  story, isn’t it? But what’s the point? Simply this: every thing  has its own time and its own clock. Don’t rush things. When the time is right, you will shine. With our high-ceilinged rooms, our house is especially tall and the unfortunate mandarin tree which was sandwiched between two tall buildings had to grow for five, long years before its uppermost leaves reached the full sunlight above roof level which allowed it to fruit. What  grit from a tree who has its origins in a rubbish bin! 

Speaking from the perspective from my generation, life was pretty much set to a timetable: you matriculated, you studied at university or went out to work, around 25 you married, thereafter you bought a house, you had children and then you lived your life for your kids with similar goals in place. It is quite refreshing to see that youngsters today seem to dance to the beat of their own drum. They don’t seem to be in any hurry to study, work or even marry according to the time-honoured deadlines. And so it should be. 

Resist the urge to compare your life path with someone else. From the outside looking in, you may envy someone’s rosy life and marvel at  how effortlessly they reach their milestones but you have no idea what fires they tramped to get there and the challenges they may be facing. Don’t beat yourself up because Aunty Prema’s son has qualified as a dentist , has his own apartment and is driving a flashy car while you are still working in retail and studying part-time although you are 25 or 30 years old already. Do not be embarrassed or despondent that you are still chugging on the slow lane while others your age are racing on the fast track. Your self worth should not be determined by what others think of you or what others have achieved. 

Be your own cheerleader. Refrain from the temptation of comparing yourself with others - it is not only unhealthy and unproductive but also has no purpose. Instead of focusing on trying to be like others, become the best version of yourself. Although I encourage you to please  yourself first, I myself only managed to throw the shackles of society’s expectations well into my thirties - when I finally realised others’ opinions of me doesn’t matter, only mine does. Unfortunately, it takes so long because of the social conditioning we undergo to realise that in the end, only our own views should matter. I can’t tell you how liberating it is to do things your way and to only worry about pleasing yourself first. Nowadays, it is especially difficult to follow your own path in life when you are constantly bombarded by “perfect” lives on social media platforms. 

Events, signs and problems occur when they need to. Very often, we tend to become frustrated or depressed because obstacles are placed in our paths. Have faith and trust that this is what is meant to happen. It is all in the timing. How many times we have heard of someone missing their flight because of traffic to hear later that their scheduled plane had crashed. Most often “bad things” happen because the one above has a much better plan for us. We just need to trust. Each one of us is unique and have life experiences that have shaped us differently so wouldn’t you agree that it is plain stupid to pattern ourselves on someone else’s life? We need to trust the timing of our lives because we will be delivered lessons to learn (sometimes over and over again) until we reach our final destination. 

So, instead of wishing that your life could be like someone else’s, focus on your life and trust its timing. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. Your grass will be even greener if you water it too by paying attention to your own goals and nurturing these. Own your truth - accept what you are and what you are not and fashion your life accordingly. Accept your past - it may not have been the rosiest one but be thankful. Sometimes hard times light a fire in our bellies to become someone that we can be incredibly proud of. Know what you truly want and not what society dictates or desires. Don’t give up - if you failed at something, this is just a snapshot of what is happening now. When you work on improving yourself and persevering, the scenario will be totally different 3, 6 or 12 months from now. Just work on developing yourself and in time you will achieve your just rewards. Life doesn’t come with a manual so trust the unknowns that will invariably jump at you. Be patient and trust in the timing. 

Precious time is lost when you focus on other people’s success and joy. Take back your power from people, places and problems and focus on possibilities. Focus on you - totally. 

Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

Have a fantastic week, folks!

#timing  #trustinthetiming #everythinghappensinourtime

When Mother’s Day Hurts

“Sometimes God's blessings are not in what he gives, but in what he takes away. He knows best. Trust Him.”   Sione Malakai Katoa.

The month of May has arrived and with it comes one of the most celebrated days of the calendar. Yes, the second Sunday which heralds another M-word - Mother’s Day. Even before this day of celebration makes its appearance, we are reminded about it weeks before through television advertisements, shop window displays, social media posts and specially set-up supermarket aisles. The floral arrangements, perfume packs, fine jewellery and beautifully packaged confectionary put forward as possible presents all paint a fuzzy, wholesome picture of happiness and good cheer. It is a day that most mums look forward to: warm embraces, thoughtful gifts, heartfelt gratitude and great rejoicing. Yet, alas, for many, it is a day of dread - a day, they wish that they could creep deeper under the bed coverings until this day has passed. 

For many women, Mother’s Day hurts. It is a day that is a stark reminder of what never was, a day that harks a broken relationship, a timely reminder of a mistake made, a celebration when loneliness reaches new heights or the savage blow to the heart that the empty chair at the table sets off. When this day finally makes it mark on the 9th of May in the Southern Hemisphere, I can’t promise you flowers, nor that much awaited call, neither the company you long for or even the reunion you hope for, but I am told I am good with words so this is a personal letter of love to you. It is just to say that if you are struggling on this Mother’s Day, you are not alone and to please give yourself permission to cry, to grieve, to long for or to just plain hurt. 

To the mum who has lost a child through a miscarriage, stillbirth, an accident, through sickness or suicide, my heart bleeds for you. No more burnt toast, weak tea or handmade cards to put that smile on your dial for breakfast on that special day.  While I may acknowledge how utterly heart-broken you are and how hollow and empty you feel with the loss of your beloved baby, I can never know the devastating pain of a mum who can no more hug the child she birthed. Understand that the grief you endure is the terrible tax you pay as a mother who loves so much. 

To the woman who doesn’t have the tag of mum just yet, I know you feel forsaken and wonder why you can’t be blessed with children that comes so easily to other families. You soldier on through years of infertility trying to avoid pitiful, sideward glances that seem to imply some physical defect or sigh in frustration after yet another failed attempt at IVF. It must be quite painful watching other pregnant women, or parents playing with children in the parks or playgrounds or even mothers complaining on social media platforms about how hard it is to parent. Just know that you are loved and you are amazing just the way you are because you don’t need the label of a mother to prove your awesomeness. 

To the step-mum who occupies the same role as the natural mum but who hasn’t actually given birth, I get it that you don’t get the recognition or any other perks that the biological mums are entitled to. You do the laundry, dish out the dinners, drive the kids to school, help with their homework and put up with their manic moods and yet when the pastor asks for the mothers to stand up in church on Mother’s Day to receive their complimentary flowers or chocolates, you remain seated. It must be really tough dealing with the stress, financial burden and all the hard work of being a mum but yet not to be acknowledged or appreciated in the same way. This day is for you too. If you are mothering kids, that makes you unequivocally, indisputably and unmistakenly a hundred percent mother!

To the daughter or daughter-in-law who does not have the traditional mother relationship as described by the Hallmark cards: a mother who is loving, caring and gives off unconditional love. You feel robbed because you do not have the empathy, nurturing and compassion that is the cornerstone of the cultural standard of a mother. As a society, we are conditioned to put mothers on a heroic pedestal which makes it difficult to voice our criticism of mothers who can be hurtful, unloving or narcissistic. May I include here children who experienced a second abandonment when their birth mothers didn’t see the need to restore ties with their children who they gave up for adoption.  So without rocking the boat of time-held, internalised cultural standards or going against the warm, saintly image of the mum painted in Hallmark cards, live your truth. Do what your internal value system tells you to instead of what is dictated by commercial Mother’s Day cards culture, tradition, or family expectations.

To the person who relinquished her right as mother through giving up her baby for adoption or abortion. Sometimes we make choices that we regret. We wish we could have handled situations another way so that the guilt and the regret does not haunt us so much on a day that is set aside to celebrate motherhood. Forgive yourself for the one above has already done that. Stop condemning yourself for you did then what you thought best. Moving forward you still have the opportunity to bring a little light to so many kids that could do with some much needed mothering in a myriad of ways. 

To those whose mums have passed away, Mother’s Day can be an especially dark day. An entire lifetime of nurturing and pure, unadulterated love snuffed out. And inasmuch as the beautiful memories can be revisited mentally, there’s still this stabbing pain that comes when you realise you can’t pick up the phone and make that call on Mother’s Day and say “I love you” one more time. May you find in your sadness that although your heart feels like it has been crushed into a million pieces, it still works. 

For those mothers whose children have severed ties with them, I can’t imagine anything more heart breaking knowing that there is a child still somewhere in this world but who for whatever reason has disowned the mother-child relationship. While you sit alone on the mother of all days on the calendar and wonder for the umpteenth time how you could have handled the situation differently, please know that in spite of doing everything right, things can still go wrong. Children do not come with guarantees or warranties for that matter. Resist the urge to feel any trace of anger, guilt or regret today. Just cherish the memories you were lucky to have and cry if you have to. 

To the real life mum who does an amazing job as a mother but feels she’s not given the appreciation she deserves. From dawn to dusk she slaves away silently doing the best for her kids so the blimps and bumps they do experience in life are the teeniest ones. You feel you give and give and give and look forward to a small card, a tiny bunch of flowers or even a short call or a loving wish of gratitude but nothing comes. I am sorry that this day hurts for you because you are not accorded the respect and appreciation you so rightly deserve. I honour and salute you for the special mum you are and thank you for all those days that you kept on being the best mum you could be on the great days, the normal days and even on the hard days. As mums, we have an in-built love that is unconditional no matter how crappy how kids behave that keeps us fighting and moving forward to be the best mum we can be. We have an instinctive and natural hope that springs eternal to move on to the next day and the next thing and to see the beauty in life’s imperfections. 

Lastly, because of the strange times we find ourselves in 2020 and the social distancing restrictions in place, you may have a situation where your families can’t come together as usual to celebrate a special Mother’s Day. Just remember that receiving chocolates and flowers or other beautifully wrapped gifts and celebrating with your children or mothers  on May 9th is lovely but so is May 10th, May 11th, May 12th or for that matter any other day of the year. Hopefully, this health crisis nonsense can clear out before the next Mother’s Day comes around so you can celebrate in person with those near and dear to you. 

So for those who will be hurting on this Mother’s Day, you are not alone. I know I speak on behalf of many who would wish that your pain could melt away on this day sacred to mothers. I pray that God gives you the strength to come to some healing. Give yourself permission to be sad, to unleash feelings of frustration, anger and regret by writing a letter and then burning it, to cry bucketloads, ask forgiveness for the things you can’t change and above all show gratitude for each new day that breaks that you are alive and whole. Above all, remember that you are God’s unique creation and that you are not alone on this special day. You are loved more than you know. 

I send you this personal love letter from my heart, I have folded it with compassion, placed it in an envelope of empathy and addressed it with encouragement and sealed it with a stamp of hope and reconciliation. Hope your Mather’s Day this coming Sunday is a pleasant one not in spite of but because of the pain you are going through. 

#mothersday #motherswhohurtonmothersday #whenmothersdayhurts

Audiobooks speak for Themselves

“Audiobooks speak for themselves.” ~ Paul Acampora

Smells are intoxicating and have the power to transport you into a happy place: the tantalising aroma of a warm apple pie, the luxurious goodness of freshly cleaned laundry, the subtle scent of a floral perfume but for me it has always been the smell of printed books. I would inhale deeply whether I was in a bookstore, in a library, opening a new book or simply paging through an old one. All book lovers will agree that there is nothing - not even freshly cut flowers - that will surpass the scent of a hard copy book. Why no-one has captured the smell of a good book, bottled it and sold it as a perfume is still beyond me. 

It is hardly surprising then when audiobooks really took off in digital, smartphone format around 10 years ago, I wasn’t interested. How can the reading experience be the same as that from scanning the words from an old-fashioned book? My son had  gifted me an e-Reader a decade ago and I struggled with reading from an electronic device not because it posed any problems as such: it was just not satisfying as turning the pages of a real book. 

In the past, I had listened to stuff on cassette tapes. I remember bagging a bargain of a 100- set cassette tapes of English classic reads like Austen, Bronte, Dickens, Hardy etc during a garage sale in New  Zealand in 1998. My kids still “cherish” fond memories of motivational messages and children’s cd sets like Brer Rabbit and Winnie the Pooh being played during the long road trips. They still talk about the marathon-long Brian Tracy cds on productivity, self-discipline and effective communication they grudgingly listened to while traipsing around the country on road trip holidays. So as you can see, listening to books was not new to me. However, it wasn’t a way of life - it was an occasional experience especially when going on a long drive. 

About two years ago, I decided to give the Audible App for the iPhone a go more so because of the dangling carrot of Michelle Obama’s autobiography, “Becoming”, which was given as a freebie if you downloaded the app. I was salivating at the bits to read that and I was not disappointed. The easy eloquence and the dulcet tones of the First Lady’s voice as she chronicles her life from her childhood on the South side of Chicago, powering her way to high school and Princeton, juggling her roles of lawyer, mother and wife of the first, black American president makes you beg like Oliver - “ please sir, may I have more?” With her brutal honesty, sharp wit and her engaging storytelling, she invites us into her world as she opens up with the highs and lows of living in the world famous address. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of “reading” this book which seemed to be catapulted  to a higher level because it was read by the inspiring lady herself. 

If the truth be told, in my busy life, most days I can only fit in at most an hour’s reading. If I had a day of check marking senior students’ English essay drafts, my eyes and brain were too tired to even scan the words of a book. However, since as far back as I can remember, right from my early childhood days, I have developed the ritual of reading just before I sleep. Reading has a powerful way of decompressing the body and the mind and bringing it down to a restful place so that you can enjoy a good night’s sleep. Now, with the iPhone propped on my pillow, I get to have the company of any charming voice lulling me into a deep stupor when I don’t have the energy or the inclination to engage in traditional reading. My current bedfellow is our past prime minister, Malcolm Turnbull, as he delights me with his alluring voice as he tells it warts and all of his term as the 29th prime minister of Australia (2015-2018) in his autobiography, “The Bigger Picture”. 

One thing I noticed with my new found love of audio books is that monotonous and tedious tasks are now a pleasure to do. With my iPhone close by, I happily take off the washing from the line, carefully and meticulously fold and despatch the clothes  to the respective owners’ rooms. Sometimes, I am quite open to ironing and putting away the clothes or the linen( yes, I iron sheets and pillowcases) as long as I have an enthralling autobiography, fiction or business book to listen to. Sometimes, even the already clean kitchen counters and the stove get another doing over just because the plot is too riveting to put on pause.  Cooking is also a much- looked forward to activity. Since I am not a fan of bottled or packaged convenience foods, food prepping can take a lot of time but it is something I eagerly look forward to now as I can polish another chapter. 

For those who know me well, I still rebel against any form of physical activity that is associated with fitness or exercise. However, this is now somewhat sweetened as I arm myself with iPhone and AirPods and pound the pavements with a whole host of walking partners who read to me. Sometimes, when the storytelling is taking a decidedly juicy turn, I hastily make an executive decision to lengthen my route. I have to admit the 15-20 minute early morning walks I resentfully did out of duty has now become a sought after pleasure( okay, maybe that’s stretching it a bit!) and has translated to almost an hour. 

I guess one of the reasons I was vehemently against audio books was that it felt like cheating. From the time we start reading in prep , we are conditioned to think that reading is a sanctimonious activity that is an individualistic, fully focussed task done silently and demanding the full importance it deserves. So, if you are going to disparage this sacred, centuries- long undertaking by just taking the easy way out and listening to someone, it would be cheating, right? 

However, the more I thought about it, I realised that while it is important for emergent readers to see the words in books so that they can increase their sight words and thereby become more proficient with reading, it wasn’t really necessary for us who are established readers who have already cracked the code of reading. Why do we read a book in the first place? 

It stimulates our mind (and I am told reduces your chances of getting dementia and Alzheimer’s) which watching television and browsing the internet doesn’t do, it improves our level of concentration which is especially needed in these modern times of short concentration spans, it broadens our interests and knowledge( I have learnt so much about topics, countries and other cultures from books), a good book can make you more empathetic as you relate to the suffering of others, it improves concentration as you need to follow the story in order for it to make sense and most importantly reading before bedtime improves your sleep quality. Aren’t all these benefits still easily achieved by listening to books too, instead of reading them the old-fashioned way of turning the pages of book? 

I am a visual learner which means listening is not my thing (a trait I am blessed with to tune out noise I don’t wish to listen to). In the beginning, I found it a bit hard going concentrating on the the spoken word by letting my mind wander on other matters but as time went by, it has become much easier. I still read traditional books, usually in the morning when my eyes are still fresh. However, with my other mode of reading which is listening to audio books, I feel I can read more books than was previously practical. An audio book which can be anywhere from 6 - 25 hours can be finished well within a week(directly proportional to the laundry, food prepping and walking you have!) while a traditional book can stretch from a fortnight to sometimes a month. 

Now that I am quite comfortable with the fact that reading should not be dictated by parameters or rules as to what good reading amounts to, I am able to accomplish so much more. I am a hardened multi-tasker so listening to audio books allows me to indulge in my other passions too. Just the other night I crocheted a beanie for my daughter, I paint, I cook, I clean   while immersed in another world of books. When I am out gardening though, I reserve that quiet time for my own thoughts - no multi-tasking with audio books then. 

Making sense of words from a page is a deeply personal experience because you are on your own to configure the meaning and I still cherish reading fiction through traditional books. However, I love reading memoirs of great men and women who through their courage, vision and ingenuity have changed our world and who have inspired us to reach for greater heights too. Most of these autobiographies are read by the authors themselves. I have to confess that no old fashioned book would have produced the same degree of ecstasy that I experienced when I listened to the mellifluous voice of Bob Igor, as he details the lessons he learned in the 15 years at the helm as CEO of Walt Disney. If ever I admire an inspirational leader, it is undoubtedly this man who entertained me on Google Play(another Audio book App) in his enthralling audio book “The Ride of a Lifetime” where he concurs that it is possible to make ethical and honest business decisions. 

If you haven’t tried audio books yet, I highly recommend it. You can download the Audible App on your smartphone and there is a free one month trial with a free book of your choice. 

If you have kids of school going age, I would encourage you to get them onto audio books as well. This is the link to an article I wrote especially for them some time ago. 

https://www.facebook.com/notes/kip-mcgrath-varsity-lakes/top-10-kips-tips-on-introducing-audiobooks-to-kids/1785037875073616/

Happy listening and have a fabulous week, folks.

#audiobooks

Better to be the Average Joe than Top Three

“Study the science of art. Study the art of science. Develop your senses — especially learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.”

— Leonardo Da Vinci

Now that we are asked to practise social distancing because of the global pandemic, I am working more from home. My daughter, who is usually at university, at her part-time job or busy in any one of her church meet-ups, is also at home full-time too because all her activities have come to a sudden standstill. She has been observing me these past few weeks getting on with my day and while she watched me busy on an oil painting remarked: “Mum, how is it possible to be so talented in so many things?” When I asked her what she meant, she replied, “you are good at reading, writing, technology, woodwork, gardening, handcrafts, cooking, painting, music(okay, I still can pick a tune on the recorder!), teaching, travelling, social media, blogger, and being a businesswoman.” I just smiled then and casually replied, “I try.” I didn’t notice then that she didn’t mention being a good mother, but ne’er mind. 

However, through the course of the week I gave this more thought and it occurred to me that many of the highly successful people I know, do in fact have more talents than what they are known for. While I share many interests, I dare not put myself in the same category as these highly talented and gifted individuals who are referred to as “polymaths” which in layman’s terms mean multi-talented people with interests across multiple fields like art, literature, acting, sports, music, and science”. 

The most famous polymaths in history  in terms of their greatness and influence was without doubt Aristotle who was a brilliant scientist but who also influenced the fields of logic, aesthetics, poetry, linguistics and politics. Nikola Tesla was a Serbian-American inventor, electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, physicist, mathematician, futurist and humanitarian and could speak no fewer than 8 languages. Jagdish Chandra Bose was a Bengali physicist, biologist, biophysicist, botanist, archaeologist, a connoisseur of fine arts, and an early writer of science fiction.

We also have the Renaissance polymaths like Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo and Galileo Galilei as well as our modern ones like Elon Musk(engineer, industrial designer, technology entrepreneur, and philanthropist), Mark Zuckerberg (software programmer, internet entrepreneur, philanthropist and spacecraft travel), Steve Jobs (business magnate, industrial designer, investor, and media proprietor) and Jamie Foxx(actor, singer, comedian, songwriter, and producer). These are  highly successful people who manage to achieve mastery across multiple industries, arts, or fields of study. So what sets them apart from most mere mortals? 

The answer is quite simple. While the majority of the population stop learning when they finish high school or university, these people have a never ending quest for learning and doing. Bryce Courtenay, one of my favourite authors who has been described as a modern day Dickens, started his writing career at the age of 50 after a successful career in advertising, penned 21 best selling novels within the span of 24 years and wrote for 12 hours a day until his death from stomach cancer at the age of 79 years. 

At the onset of the modern age, we have been influenced to think that “Jack of all trades is master of none”. At school, we have to choose our “specialist” subjects at year 10 (standard 8 in my time) that will determine the success of our future lives. If being a generalist would take you on a path to mediocrity, then why would the top five largest companies in the world be owned by polymaths: Bill Gates(Microsoft), Steve Jobs(Apple), Warren Buffet (Berskshire Hathaway), Larry Page(Google) and Jeff Bezos (Amazon). Recently, numerous studies have been conducted which points to a direct correlation between the varied interests people have, to their creative impact. 

It seems that the creative heavy weights are who they are because they marry their knowledge in the various fields they are interested in to produce their eventual inventions or ideas. Take Steve Jobs, for example; so elegantly and gracefully he combined his interests in calligraphy, design and hardware to produce the sexy Apple products. Oprah Winfrey, captures the essence of a Renaissance polymath- an icon that has dominated pop culture for decades. Like the Renaissance Man who possessed an “unquenchable curiosity” and “feverishly inventive imagination” she has shattered the proverbial glass ceiling by becoming the first female black billionaire with her exceptional capability in various fields in authorship, oratory, philanthropy, acting, research, and many more. 

While there are still parents that look forward to basking in the glory of their child achieving “straight A’s” or achieving a bag full of distinctions in their final year of school or university, I think the advice that Jack Ma, founder of Ali Baba online sales platform, gave his son makes so much sense. He advised, “you don’t need to be the top 3 in class, being in the middle is fine, so long your grades aren’t too bad. Only this kind of person has enough free time to learn other skills”. What profound wisdom! He is actually advocating that an individual should have varied interests  so that they can become fully rounded free spirits. And who knows, perhaps they would be more of a force to be reckoned with when their skills from one field affords them greater insight to develop something quite fascinating in another. 

Going back to the oil painting that I started during this social distancing period. While I have dabbled in fabric, watercolour and acrylic art before, oil painting is fairly new to me. It is hard going each day as I navigate my way as I learn about tones, values, hues, blends, shadows and shades. After two hours or so of meticulous work, I barely manage to cover a 5-centimetre square space of the canvas. Now I appreciate why these oil paintings fetch thousands of dollars. The point I am getting to though is that hard work beats talent any day of the week. 

People with multi- interests are self motivated to learn and have an insatiable curiosity. They are resilient- many a time I wanted to throw in the brushes and palette altogether as my frustrations grew with mastering the oil painting technique, but I just leave it for awhile, go and do some gardening or cooking and then come back another day to try again. That’s the beauty of having many interests as you can switch when your mood is down, do something else and then return to become more productive. Apparently Albert Einstein who was a master physicist and accomplished musician would exclaim after a recital ”I have it!”. He discovered the solution to his invention problem while playing the piano or violin. I can’t tell you how many times I made big business decisions as I reached clarity of thought while weeding or pruning. 

In this new era when there are so many unprecedented problems like the Covid-19 virus, we should open ourselves to new possibilities. Little children are so full of life and highly creative yet they are hammered into docile recipients of learning that lacks imagination and creativity. With this period of self isolation, we should encourage our children and even ourselves to pursue more interests. Today, more than never before, it has become so easy to learn through readily accessible technology with free or affordable content. 

I read once somewhere where Bill Gates stated that around 70% of the jobs of the future haven’t been invented as yet. What we can be certain about is that we need to learn and relearn a whole range of skills to adapt to the future. So while we may revere specialists now because of their big pay packages, they risk getting trapped by their narrow skills set and will find it hard to learn new stuff. Polymaths, on the other hand, are more versatile who can quickly combine their existing skill sets in a myriad of ways to solve the world’s pressing problems. So, let’s move away from wishing our kids would be top in class; rather, encourage them to try a whole variety of interests to become the best, creative problem solvers that they can be. 

#polymaths #multi-skilled #multi-talents

Seeking Solace in Solitude

“When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death—ourselves.” ~ Eda LeShan

With the current health pandemic, we have been introduced to new phrases like “social distancing”,  “self isolation”, “quarantine” and “lockdown” which many view negatively as it cuts us off the wider society and  restricts our free movement. I don’t blame people for sharing this view because throughout history, being alone or separated from others have been given a bad rap. For instance, when we are barely knee high we are made to stand alone in the corner when we misbehave, when we chat in class, we are removed to one side to sit alone, when prisoners don’t toe the line,they are punished with solitary confinement. In movies, the bad guy is usually a hermit or a social outcast like a vampire and even in fairytales, the troll, the giant, the wolf all live alone and are the villains. So, we grow up with this belief that being alone has a negative stigma and therefore all is not well when one operates as a lone wolf. 

On the other side of the coin, a sense of community and team spirit has always been lauded as a good thing. If you are surrounded by friends, it means you are well-adjusted and happy. As a teacher at school, I did my bit of introducing a buddy to each new kid in my form class.  If you married at an eligible age then you have succeeded in making your parents proud. If kids belong to cliques  at school, they are seen as normal while the “loners” are pitied. We commiserate silently with individuals who watch a movie, dine or travel alone. We wonder what’s wrong with them for not sharing their social activities with a companion. I take my hat out for single people, especially women, who have the courage to remain uncoupled instead of bowing down to society’s pressure to settle for second or third best. 

However, there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. While loneliness causes pain brought about by isolation and alienation, solitude is a choice one deliberately makes of being alone with oneself. Loneliness is known to cause sadness and even depression, while solitude represents freedom and joy. In today’s world we seem to be connected with others in almost every waking moment. 

From the moment we arise and “Like” social media posts or acknowledge WhatsApp messages with the appropriate emojis, playing the music in the shower, listening to podcasts while running or exercising, watching the news on TV while scoffing down breakfast, turning on the radio on your way to work, to interacting almost 8 hours with your work colleagues and the added communication via emails, text messages, phone calls (FaceTime or otherwise), video conference meetings or watching YouTube, or bingeing on TV reality shows or Netflix movies or serials when we return home at the end of the day, we seem to be constantly connected. 

I am a self-confessed introvert and a creative and I treasure my times of solitude. I usually get up at 5 am ( or sunrise whichever is earlier) and have a full 3 or 4 hours to myself before the rest of the family gets up. It is my favourite time of the day as I try to remain unplugged for most of this time as I potter about in my garden, paint, cook or write. The unparalleled joy of being one with myself allows me the quiet time to reflect, create and evaluate. In these moments with just me, myself and I, I visualise, take risks, contemplate on business decisions and try new things. I am a secondary thinker - I hardly ever flip my handle when someone gets my goat (my daughter constantly accuses me of clamming up when there’s confrontation as she feels robbed of a healthy yelling match). I prefer to save my reaction for later and during this quiet time, I mull over various angles as I critically weigh viewpoints and contemplate on my response. I always feel confident that when I eventually have my say, it is objective, rational and fair. Often we are swayed with the thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs of people in our immediate circle but there is something fundamentally refreshing about having clarity and making up your own mind. This is only possible when you take off your social mask. 

As evidenced in mass media, many  couples borrow Jerry Maguire’s quote “you complete me” in a romantic moment. This line never sat well with me because essentially what it suggests is that you are not a whole person and that you need a significant other to  complement you so that you feel whole. No wonder there are so many separations or divorces because people depend on others for their happiness. Or couples breaking up after 20 - 25 years of marriage - when their kids fly the nest, they cannot live with each other anymore because they lived their whole lives for their offsprings. I believe strongly that you need alone time to get to know and love yourself and once you have a healthy relationship with yourself, your relationships with others become much richer and more productive. 

Most leading minds have championed the benefits of solitude which has undoubtedly led them to be the movers and shakers of the world. Almost all of them needed the freedom to be on their own as they invented, painted, composed, wrote or philosophised. Thomas Edison, arguably the greatest inventor of all times said “The best thinking has been done in solitude”, the famous Spanish painter and sculptor , Pablo Picasso, cried “Without great solitude no serious work is possible”, and inventor, engineer and futurist, Nikola Tesla said unabashedly, “The mind is sharper and keener in seclusion and uninterrupted solitude. Originality thrives in seclusion free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind. Be alone—that is the secret of invention: be alone, that is when ideas are born.” 

Instead of bemoaning this period of social distancing, use it as a catalyst to steal quiet moments for yourself. Embrace this opportunity to retreat from the proverbial rat race as you surf solo to get to know yourself. Being alone can be confronting to those that need to be constantly in the company of others because we humans are essentially wired to be social beings. But, like all things, it gets easier. Start with small steps like turning off the radio while travelling, going for a short walk, working in your garden, doing yoga on your own, reading a scripture or just closing your eyes and being alone with your thoughts. You have to be intentional about solitary reflection - you got to schedule in the time until it becomes a habit. 

To embrace the concept of solitude, you don’t need to live the life of a monk in the Himalayas or seclude yourself like a hermit in a hut in the deep forest. It simply means carving into your present, hectic life a little bit of alone time  so that you find some solace in solitude to get to know yourself. 

In closing, I borrow the immortal words of American writer and naturalist, Joseph Wood Krutch, who said “To have passed through life and never experienced solitude is to have never known oneself. To have never known oneself is to have never known anyone.” ~ ‘The Desert Year’

Stay safe, folks. 

Family First

“Healing happens when individual hearts combine forces to beat as one at the centre of a family.”

After three years or so, “da Naidooz” are together as one family unit. For now, it feels good as we catch up. Ravel, my 22-year old who returned from Canada last week is still in self isolation in our AirBnB unit. So, technically, he is still not in in our midst yet but it feels good to know that he is near us and will join the coop in about 10 days or so. At the moment, it is noisy enough with Kim, my 18 year-old daughter whose university studies are on hold and Vidal, the soon to be 25-year old, who has returned from Sydney, as they bond together “netflixing” on the couch. My physical reserves are being taxed to the hilt with all the cooking I am doing at the moment but I don’t mind. Each of them has different culinary tastes (One mostly meat, one mostly veg and the other prefers salads) and well before being self-employed for the last 15 years, I am guilty of indulging them by cooking three different meals at a time to suit each taste.

We are a close family unit. I suppose it is inevitable when families migrate to a foreign country. In the early days you only have each other for company. You do everything together and endure long periods of self isolation as you get to learn about your new country and its people. We were pretty much on our own when we landed in New New Zealand in October, 1998: two parents who disembarked with a 3-year old and a one year-old on each parent’s hip and four large suitcases. For at least four months we only had each other’s company before we settled into our teaching jobs and daycare. It sort of feels the same now as we huddle together and social distance from the rest of the world as we each try collectively to “flatten the curve”.

I truly believe that one of the things that has made our family unit so strong is because of the resilience we had to endure as we grappled with the challenges of adapting to our new, adopted country. Two countries, in our case, as we left New Zealand in January 2005 to relocate to the Gold Coast, Australia. Moving from one geographical location to another brings with it a whole set of challenges as you try to navigate through a new culture, customs and conventions. But like they say, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I am forever grateful and feel awfully blessed to be part of an immigrant family as I truly believe that it gave my family the resilience that is needed to cope should life throw you a curveball. Like now. 

What we are experiencing right now by isolating ourselves inside our homes, is probably not what we would have chosen to do in normal circumstances. However, since we have no other choice, we should use the opportunity to build family resilience which is the ability to bounce back after a catastrophe much like the Corona virus. Rather than viewing this whole period of being confined into our own homes as a prison sentence, we should rather welcome this opportunity to turn adversity as a catalyst for the family’s growth. What this simply means is that we should enrich relationships within our family and nurture them to become more skilled at coping with future stresses in life that will inevitably come our way.

Family resilience doesn’t come with in-built traits that you are born with like your physical attributes, your intelligence(or lack thereof) or your personality. It is rather our interactions and support that we give each other that counts. Research done shows that people who go through hard times share a stronger bond with each other like soldiers in war, SES services working through natural disasters or families dealing with problems like divorce, poverty or heartache. There are huge possibilities in building resilience during the lock-down period with a helping hand here, a supportive word or two there or shared activities. We should use this wonderful window of opportunity to become stronger together. 

We have to practise that “the sum is greater than the whole”. These are not ordinary times so mum should not be slaving in the kitchen while the rest of the family fatten their gluteus maximi while binge-watching on Netflix, Stan or Apple TV. Everyone should do their fair share and if they haven’t been doing all along, maybe now is the perfect time to start sharing household chores. Since my sons left home, their constant regret is that they wished they learnt to cook from their mum. So, in our efforts of establishing an espirit de corps in our family, I am going to teach them to cook some simple, home-cooked meals. These cooking lessons will serve them well not only now as I take some reprieve from the kitchen but also when they make their own way out in the world , they will still have the luxury of tasting home-cooked meals. 

Communicating with each in normal circumstances is essential but becomes ever so important in times of adversity. In my own family, sometimes I wish I didn’t teach them since they were knee-high to talk about their hopes, fears, dreams and everyday thoughts. I remember envying my friends who shared with me that they barely talked or saw their kids when they became teenagers as each one self-isolated in their own room with their electronic devices. I created a rod for my own back by insisting that we have only one television in the home and all homework to be done in the living area and all electronic devices to be left out of their bedrooms by 9 pm. My family talks - all the time. As I prepared meals, all three of them   would seat themselves around the kitchen counter each one trying to present their happenings of the day. Sometimes, when my brains were a tad tired after work at the end of the day, I would suggest to my sons to please spare me the long version but they wouldn’t listen. (No mum, the short version is not the same). When other youngsters were interested in electronic games, we enjoyed playing board games. With just one television at home in the lounge room, we had to compromise as a family and watch shows together. Even now, my assistant puts calls through me at any time of the business day as I listen to them share their stories from other parts of the globe. So for us, now, it pretty much feels as normal as it is back to the good, old days. However, if your family does not communicate much, maybe now would be a good time to bring them together for short periods of time  to practise family time. You could watch a tv show together, play a popular board game, cook, garden, exercise or best of all do storytelling where each one can share stories about their lives, past or present. 

When this time in history passes on, as it will, statistics about international death rates, government restrictions, the actual constitution of the Corona virus or by how many points the economy tumbled, will be faded memories. What will remain etched in every individual’s minds is how people made them feel. At the end of this lock down period, however long it stretches to, everyone, especially our children,  will remember this experience as a positive or negative one. With our family members, we often take them for granted - sometimes we allow our masks that we put on for the outside to fall when I side our homes as we show our nasty side by becoming impatient, frustrated and short-tempered with the ones that are most near and dear to us. While this inappropriate and unpleasant side of us can probably be excused when we are leading a hurried and hectic schedule, there is enough time now to exercise patience, respect and good manners in the close confines of our homes. When this whole pandemic episode is over, let our families remember that the time of the virus was the best time of their lives as they reconnected and strengthened blood ties. 

Without any warning, man has been brought down to his knees. Nature has finally flipped her lid that was holding back her seething and festering anger.  We are being stripped of our sense of normality: jobs, lifestyle, schedules, routines and peace of mind. However, everything can be taken away but if are left with one structure that remains standing and held together by love that is called family, we will overcome this plague of the virus. So, admittedly, this vile ‘thing’ has indeed changed our lives as we know it but the love we have for family will keep us together forever. 

Have a fabulous week and remember, folks, to put family first in these trying times. 

Lessons to be Learnt from Mother Nature

Mother Nature may be forgiving this year, or next year, but eventually she’s going to come around and whack you. You’ve got to be prepared.               Geraldo Rivera

Well, what do you know. A social media post I read recently summed the present crisis we are going through with the Covid-19 virus so well: it spoke about Mother Nature sending us to our room to think about what we have done to Earth. The social distancing and self isolation that are being thrust upon us is her way of getting us to look into ourselves and reflect on our hurried and hectic lives on the Rat Race Highway. 

Our dear mother has tried many a time to scold us through hurricanes, cyclones, tsunamis, typhoons, droughts, floods, heatwaves, bushfires, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and melting ice but like disobedient children, we never heeded her warnings. Now, with the deadly Corona virus comes the thwack on the head, the smack on the cheek, the slap on the wrist or the kick in the butt. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned so maybe it is about time  we stop what we are doing and listened. 

As a pantheist,  I owe more to Nature than the scriptures. Nature is all embracing: We live in it, and it lives in us. We can touch it, feel it, smell it, hear it, taste it, know it and experience it. Therefore, for me personally, it is much easier to be in the moment, observe Nature and learn from it as it embodies all the lessons that we need to revisit. Lessons in life that the Corona virus, an offshoot of nature, is teaching us right now. 

As a parent, Mother Nature dishes out parenting advice that far surpasses any of Doctor Spock or Doctor Phil. It would do us well to slow down and walk with this parenting expert to learn some important life hacks about bringing up children. In her quiet, unassuming way she gently teaches us what matters in the grand scheme of things - you just got to slow down, watch and listen. 

I run three after-school tutoring centres and sometimes I have to arrange make-ups for missed lessons. A simple task, right? You would never believe how packed the kids’ lives are: amidst the dance, horse-riding, drama lessons, sports activities, acting, art, music and play dates, there isn’t another spare hour in the week to fit a make-up lesson. The  kids are exhausted, they have hissy fits and sometimes they need to be cajoled into participating into various activities. Right now, the Corona virus is saying: Mums, slow down. Throw away the hectic schedules and take time to interact with your kids. Set aside some bonding time to do the food prep together, engage in reading activities and discussions afterwards, watch how the sun sets on a balmy evening, observe the spectacular colours of the lorikeet as it sucks the nectar from the bottlebrush tree, play in the rain or start a vegetable patch. Give them the space to simply be. They will still blossom and thrive naturally without all the so-called enriching activities.  

Once again, to borrow an example from my tutoring centres, we have students of all aptitudes and abilities as our business promises that we offer learning support so that your child can “catch up, keep up or get ahead”. Yet, most parents have a single-minded mindset that their kids must achieve all A-grades or be top in class. Children are like flowers - they are unique and come in all different shapes, colours and fragrances. Treat them like Mother Nature would. Be patient. Do not hurry their development. Nourish them with warm smiles, kind words and tight hugs and watch them grow. In their own time, they will unfurl their colourful petals to kiss the warm sun and bloom as big, bold and breathtakingly beautiful as they can be. 

In the recent catastrophic event of the worst bushfires that Australia suffered, thousands of people were displaced, too many animals perished and countless acres of forest land were scarred. Yet, amidst this adversity, there were these heart-warming images showing the resilience of nature: green shoots bursting through burnt bark and the life cycle started again. Nature was back in business. Be like Mother Nature:strong and resilient. Use the Corona virus pandemic to explain to our kids that sometimes the best laid plans in life goes awry but even though there are great losses, much inconvenience and a shift of our priorities, this too would pass. Instead of making as if they are burdens because of the school closures, we should seize this wonderful window of opportunity to teach them to weather the storm by readjusting their sails. For deep roots to take hold and grow strong, the wild winds have to batter the tree mercilessly. Only in hardship, can we become tougher and more likely to meet other challenges that will inevitably threaten us later in life. 

Our Australian prime minister has just announced that as a society we are possibly looking at a lock-down that could stretch as long as six months. Can you imagine contending with a house full of kids for that length of time? I think the Corona virus is going to kill more relationships than patients  and send many parents to meltdowns if not mental institutions. During this time, maybe it would be timely to teach kids about the joys of nature like in the good old days. We spent a lot of time outdoors, we ran around, played hide-and-seek, climbed trees, swam in rivers and lakes, made  up our own games (more-so dictated by finance rather than ingenuity) and never had the time to get bored. And even if we did get bored, we never complained to our parents; we dealt with boredom as it was just another state of being like happiness, sadness or hunger. Pampering our self-entitled kids with more stuff must stop - this is a timely opportunity to let them feel how the have-nots live. 

For far too long, we have been racing along at break-neck speed. This virus scare is a reminder from Mother Nature to take stock of ourselves; do an inventory of what matters most. You would have to agree it’s our health, family, human relationships and peace of mind that should take precedence and not mod-cons, consumer goods, egos or self-interests. As unpleasant as life is right now, may our children learn the simple, old fashioned values in life. Like nature intended. 

To conclude I borrow the immortal words of Albert Einstein who said: Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better. Now, it is up to us to emerge from our rooms and acknowledge whether we have learnt our lessons in self-correcting the equilibrium of nature or not. Like any parent, Mother Nature is caring and forgiving but sometimes even unconditional love has its limits.